


Rest Easy, Sweetheart

by The_Tevinter_Biscuit



Series: Milk Carton Kid [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Aftercare, Anxiety, Coping, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Romance, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Recovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2018-10-11 06:50:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 61,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Tevinter_Biscuit/pseuds/The_Tevinter_Biscuit
Summary: At 28 years old, Fenris slowly begins to recover from a decade's worth of trauma alongside his family and friends. But in the end, some scars never heal.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaa here we are!! finally!! this is part two of Milk Carton Kid! heavy focus on the recovery aspect of things. im not sure if there will be smut in this, we'll see how things go. if there is, the rating will change.  
> you can read this without reading Milk Carton Kid first, but it is highly recommended that you do read it! for any of you who don't want to read it but plan on reading this fic, I will now spoil the first part for you.
> 
> **Spoilers for Part 1: Key info you need to know!**  
> Fenris was kept in a basement by Danarius for 10 years, who dosed his drink at a bar while his boyfriend Garrett was talking to an old friend. He suffered emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at his hands and some torture at the hands of Hadriana. After an escape attempt following Danarius destroying his only friend (a stuffed animal penguin toy), Fenris had one of his arms amputated. He later escapes by killing Danarius with a shard of glass  
> **Spoilers End**
> 
> hope you enjoy this fic!! thanks again to Peach_Cherry for being my fav beta in the world

“Is this okay?”

Sebastian leaned against the wooden door frame, arms folded and worried eyes. Fenris fidgeted on the top of the bed, the first night at home was bound to be tough. It would be the first time he had slept completely alone since he escaped Danarius. Even if his dad was only a room away, it was still somewhat frightening. Could he guarantee he would be there for him if anything happened? Not that he was entirely sure what could go wrong, but it was a lingering fear regardless.

“I will be fine,” he told him, taking a deep breath to steady his uneven breathing. He didn’t want his dad to worry more than he had to, particularly considering the grief he had already been through. The least he could do was be strong for him, when he had done that so much for him in the past. Sebastian looked doubtful but did not fight it.

“Okay. You know where I am if you need anything, alright?” he said. Fenris nodded and Sebastian breathed a long sigh. “Good night Fenris,”

Before he walked out the room, Sebastian switched off the lights. He left the door slightly ajar, as to not submerge him in complete darkness. Fenris listened to his heavy footsteps as he walked away from his bedroom and into the room next door. He could hear him shut the door, and shuffle around inside. The darkness was intimidating, shrouding him. It was the first time he had been alone in the dark for a long time. His skin prickled, slowly shuffling to bury himself under the covers.

The bedding here at home was much nicer than the hospital sheets. The duvet was thick and heavy, blankets fluffy and soft. It soothed his aching body, he was definitely comfortable. Yet, the tiredness he had felt when Sebastian was in the room had faded completely. He stared up at the ceiling, faintly making out the swirling pattern on it. The idea that it would take hours for him to fall asleep was definitely daunting.

He could feel each minute tick by. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. With each moment, it felt like the darkness was gaining on him, getting closer, and threatening to suffocate him. What was lurking in there? Was it after him?

Hands. So many hands. He could see them now, clawing at his legs, up his thighs. Clammy, sticky, slithering up his body. He wanted to push them away but he couldn’t, his body wouldn’t move. A scream tore from his lungs.

His eyes flickered open and a panicked breath escaped his lips.

It was then he realised that his eyes had fluttered shut for a moment there. It wasn’t real, none of it was real. His past was chasing him, that he knew for sure. Calm down Fenris, he told himself, it was just a stupid nightmare. No one was coming after him, he was safe here. He resented the fact even in death, Danarius continued to haunt him. Sniffling, he wiped his teary eyes and sat up in bed. At least he didn’t have a panic attack this time. He thanked God for small miracles.

Slowly, he pushed himself out of bed. His bare feet landed on the floor, testing his weight before standing up. The bandages wrapped around his feet made it a little easier to walk. He stumbled towards the door and flicked the light switch. Turning around, he comforted himself with the fact that no one was in his bedroom but him. Reassured, he took a deep breath to settle his anxiety-ridden nerves.

Right now, he accepted that he wasn’t going to get any sleep any time soon. Fenris glanced over at his door, still slightly open. A glass of water might do the trick. He couldn’t deny that he was nervous about wandering the house alone at night. For a moment, he contemplated whether he should get Sebastian but he shook his head and decided against it. It would just give his father more reason to worry about him.

Swallowing his courage, he tiptoed out of the room and praised his light footsteps that made sure he would not wake up Sebastian. He crept down the stairs, wincing and flinching every time one of them creaked a little. Holding onto the stair railing, he eventually reached the bottom and found his way into the kitchen using touch. He switched on the light and looked around.

There was bottled water in the fridge. He knew this, opening the fridge door and looking at them. As he picked one up, he stared at the twist-cap lid. How was…he supposed to open it? He was using his only hand to hold it so he’d have to put it down. The bottle taunted him as it sat on the countertop now, he never would’ve guessed that these simple tasks would be so difficult. He attempted to twist the cap but it kept twirling the bottle instead of opening it. This was no use. So, he put the bottle back in the fridge.

He reached for a porcelain mug and wondered why Sebastian still had them when he had been the only one in the house who drank hot beverages. Initially, he had thought about getting a glass but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, not after Danarius. Tap water was going to have to do. He put the mug down on the counter beside the sink and let the water run. Once it was going, he brought the cup underneath the stream and filled it halfway. The water had splashed against the side of the mug but there wasn’t much he could do about that. He removed the mug from under the flowing liquid and turned it off.

Once he took the first sip, he was relieved to find that it had calmed his nerves a little. He had little doubt that his insomnia wasn’t going to end here with water, but it was a step forward. Holding the mug tightly in his hand, he leant back against the kitchen counter and sighed.

The silence of the night was uncomfortable, it reminded him too much of his time in capture. Finding a balance was difficult, many sounds were too loud and frightened him but the quiet was too unnerving.

Apparently, his footsteps hadn’t been as hushed as he thought. He was caught off-guard by the buzz of a light switch upstairs, he turned towards the doorway into the kitchen and anticipated more noise. Sure enough, footsteps creeping down the stairs were present in the air. The noises sent his nerves alight, silently wishing he had two hands to cup his mug.

Closer. Coming for him. Unpredictable. What would he do today? Gaining on him. Chasing. He grabbed him, held him down, the tip of the needle in his neck. Weight bearing down on him.

“Fenris?” Sebastian’s voice snapped him back to reality, but it had alarmed him so much that the mug slipped from his fingers. It hit the floor with a crash, small pieces scattering all over the floor. Fenris realised there was no room to jump back from the blow because he was already pressed up against the counter. His toes recoiled, his bare feet desperately willing away the pieces of broken porcelain. The water from inside had also splashed against the floor. “Oh, Fenris!”

Sebastian was staring at him wide-eyed and standing in the doorway in his pyjamas. His eyes looked down at the shattered pieces of the mug on the floor. He pushed back the hair that had fallen forward with his bed-head and sighed. When he stepped towards Fenris, ready to pick up the pieces of the mug, he caught sight of his son’s frightened expression. His arm was raised like a shield in front of his face, eyes scared and bottom lip trembling.

“Don’t…please…I…please don’t hurt me,” his voice wavered as he spoke and for a moment, Sebastian could hardly recognise it as Fenris. It seemed so unlike him and it was at that moment that he realised that the pieces of the boy he raised barely shone through. Danarius built him into a man so different from the brave boy he remembered as his son then handed him back like he had done nothing wrong. It was difficult not to feel inklings of pity.

“Fenris, it’s only me,” Sebastian replied using a gentle tone, carefully reaching out to touch him but Fenris only recoiled. He retracted his hand and realised that touch wasn’t going to work.

He pressed his lips together and began sweeping up the pieces of porcelain from the tiled floor. At the sound, Fenris peeked out from between his fingers. Eventually he moved them away from his face and watched Sebastian silently as all the fragments were gathered and thrown away. He watched as he grabbed a sponge and towel, wiping away the mess on the ground. It began to settle in than Sebastian wasn’t about to punish him for his transgressions and he accepted his honest mistake.

“I’m sorry,” Fenris said. Sebastian stared at him and took a deep breath.

“You don’t have to apologise Fenris, it’s alright. Do you want more water?” he asked. Fenris shook his head. “I take it you can’t sleep,”

Fenris wasn’t sure how to explain. How did one describe the haunting feeling of being surrounded by darkness with something threatening to creep out of the shadows and consume you? He concluded that saying nothing at all was better than being unable to talk about his feelings accurately. So, he simply nodded. Even if he did speak, he feared it might come out sounding as uneven and scared as it had before.

“Could you…keep me company?” Fenris questioned. His cheeks heated up, splashes of red painting over his face until it reached his ears. He felt like a child, asking for such a thing. It reminded him of the days when he was very young and knocked on Sebastian’s door, asking to sleep with him because he was frightened of his nightmares or feeling a little sick, stuffed toy tightly pressed against his chest. He expected judgement but Sebastian’s expression only softened.

“Would you feel better sleeping in my room?” he suggested. Fenris nodded. “That’s alright you know Fenris. You’ve been through a lot and God would want me to keep you safe. Come on,”

Sebastian guided him up the stairs, mug forgotten and all the lights switched out as they went. With a yawn, Sebastian climbed back under the covers of his bed. Fenris opted to sleep on top of the duvet, wrapped himself in a fluffy blanket and insisting he was alright.

“Good night Fenris,” Sebastian said, rolling onto his side with his back to him. Fenris didn’t reply but that was okay. He mirrored Sebastian’s position so that their backs were facing and closed his eyes.

Every time he woke up during the night, he was comforted by the other sleeping body beside him.

 

The most difficult thing about adjusting to his new life with Sebastian was relearning how to do simple things. He had yet to conquer daunting tasks such as writing. As if his handwriting wasn’t already atrocious, he now had to relearn how to write with his non-dominant remaining hand. These little things that had once seemed so ordinary were mountains to climb. Worst of all, it meant he had to start depending on someone else to help. He didn’t like feeling helpless, it made him feel like a hopeless child. Sebastian didn’t seem to mind much, quite content to button his shirts and jeans for him. He paid no mind to how red his cheeks flushed with shame.

After so long apart from his son, Sebastian enjoyed any time he could spend with Fenris. In a way, it was nice to dote on him again, every parent looked fondly upon the days they felt useful when raising their child. He tried to focus on that aspect and not on how far Fenris had fallen. After all, he just wanted to keep him safe. It wasn’t easy, he still flinched at touch and spent most nights sleeping in his bed to avoid nightmares. It didn’t always work but at least he was there to soothe him.

It was hard to get Fenris to leave the bedroom sometimes. He would sit in there and stare blankly at the walls, much to Sebastian’s concern. Apparently, habits that built up over 10 years were hard to break. He had managed to successfully get him to leave and sit at the dinner table while he made him breakfast. Eating was a whole other thing to conquer. Fenris was still severely underweight and Sebastian had been doing his best to feed him as much as he could.

He was applying Fenris’s favourite raspberry jam to a slice of toast when he heard the doorbell. Sebastian frowned and wondered who could possibly come to visit him. He hoped it was no more reporters or people who wanted to speak to Fenris. Keeping them at bay had been hard enough walking down the street never mind coming to his home. Fenris was still recovering and was in no condition to be dealing with that kind of stress just yet. They still needed the results from the complete search of the house he had been kept in. He knew they had found the footage that Fenris spoke of and the room in the basement along with Danarius’s rotting corpse. It would take a long time to look through 10 years’ worth of footage, he supposed. They could wait. He finished applying the jam and walked over to find Fenris, seeing him heading over to the front door.

“Oh! No, Fenris, it’s okay. I’ll get the door. Here, this is for you,” he said, ushering Fenris back to the dining room. He frowned at him, looking at the plate and reluctantly sitting back down at the table. Sebastian set the plate of toast down before him. It was much more convenient to feed him things he could eat with his hand. Tackling foods that required a knife and fork was something to overcome later.

Sebastian walked to the front door and took a deep breath. There was no denying that once he opened it, he was going to have to deal with whatever it was bothering him this time in the morning. Eventually he pulled the door open and frowned at the figure stood before him.

“…Good morning. I…Maybe you don’t want to see me but I heard Fenris…I heard he came home. I-I just…I want to speak him, please,”

He knew exactly why Garrett Hawke was stood in his doorway and he knew that he was going to have to tackle this sooner or later. In all honesty, he was hoping for “later”. Sebastian didn’t consider himself to be someone who held grudges, but there were some things that were unforgivable. He worried in the back of his mind that Fenris could hear Garrett from the dining room. There was no doubt that if they saw each other, they would want to reunite.

“He’s busy,” Sebastian told him, scowling slightly. It wasn’t that he wanted to keep Fenris from being happy, just that he feared that he could end up getting hurt again. While he was with him, he knew at least that he could protect him and nothing bad would happen.

In the dining room, Fenris nibbled at his toast. His dark eyebrows were furrowed, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation his dad was having with the man at the door. It sounded like a man’s voice at least, vaguely familiar. It was eating away at him, trying to figure out who it was. Sebastian had already drawn him away from the door once. However, it was going to annoy him if he didn’t find out who it was.

Gathering his courage, he put down his half-eaten slice of toast. He was willing to risk it, the anxiety chasing him as he got off his chair. One foot after the other, he reminded himself, padding towards the hallway. His heart was racing in his chest, thumping like a drum. It could always just be the postman or something of the sort. If it was then Sebastian must be having the most _delightful_ chat with them.

As he walked into the hallway, he turned towards the opened front door. From over Sebastian’s shoulder, the face that stood there was unmistakable. Honey eyes met green. Sebastian noticed their connected eyes and turned his body to the side to look at Fenris. Now, Fenris could see his whole body.

Taller than he remembered, broader. The edges of chubbiness that he had once pinched and teased were gone, through his open flannel shirt and low-cut t-shirt underneath he could see the definitions of muscles. His beard had thickened, making up for the hollowness of his cheeks that had been so full. Framing his face, his brown hair hung at his chin and when he moved his head he could see most of it tied up in a messy bun. It couldn’t help but remind Fenris of Garrett’s father. However, he had his own character. That faded scar across the bridge of his nose, the way his lips curled and eyes lit up when he saw him.

It embarrassed him. Compared to him and how he had grown so much with age, it made Fenris feel small. He must’ve looked a state. Underweight, his clothes hanging off his body. Eyes sunken with heavy bags, much paler than he ever had been before. It seemed as if both he and Garrett had long hair now, though his own dark hair hanging at his waist could hardly compare to Garrett’s which must only reach his collar.

He could see Garrett’s eyes drop to his missing arm. There was that too.

“Fenris!” he exclaimed with urgency. It didn’t take him long to push past Sebastian and rush over to him. Sebastian opened his mouth to protest but ultimately, only a sigh escaped. He shut the front door and leaned against it, observing the scene before him with careful eyes.

Before Fenris could fully process what was happening, Garrett’s arms were around him. Garrett squeezed him tightly against his chest and Fenris’s breath got stuck in his throat. The force of the hug pulled him up onto the tips of his toes. He worried he might fall into panic, his eyes welling up with tears. But when he looked up, he could see the faded dusting of freckles across Garrett’s face like a million tiny stars in a handsome galaxy and his anxiety began to settle.

Garrett sniffled and pulled back reluctantly, wiping at his eyes. He laughed a little, chuckling to hide some of the awkwardness. Fenris stared up at him, wondering what would be appropriate. He didn’t know Garrett’s situation, whether he had moved on or not. An urge to reach up and kiss him was present, but there was no way he could ever go through with it. There were many questions he wanted to ask him but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“I tried to visit you in the hospital but they…they wouldn’t let me see you. Not…family or whatever stupid reason they felt like. I sent some flowers your way though, did you see them? I wasn’t sure what to get so I just…got the most colourful ones,” Garrett rambled.

Thinking back to his time in the hospital, he faintly remembered the colourful flowers in the vase beside his bed. He had wondered where they came from but Sebastian never properly answered the question. It was a relief that Garrett hadn’t forgotten about him, that it was the hospital staff that prevented him from seeing him and not anything else. However, Garrett would be a fool to think that everything could just go back to how it was before he had been taken.

“God! I missed you Fen, I-I worried I wasn’t going to ever see you again! I hardly knew what to do with myself. I’m so…I’m so glad you’re safe,” he continued, rubbing at his eyes rapidly. “Jeez, I’m pathetic. Crying like this,”

Fenris wanted to tell him that he wasn’t pathetic, that he missed him and he wanted to see him too. For some reason, he couldn’t get the words out. His face was hot and his legs felt heavy. Garrett was still talking but it was drowning out. Everything was a mess in his head, thoughts and sounds blending into one another.

“Fenris?” Sebastian’s voice cut through, he was walking over now and pushing Garrett to one side. “Fenr—”

He collapsed.

 

“I knew it would be too much for him. You should not have come,”

“What did you expect me to do? Sit around and pretend he never came back?”

“You could have at least waited until he was more stable, he hasn’t been back long,”

“Well _I’m sorry_ okay?”

Garrett had carried Fenris onto the sofa in the living room. He couldn’t tell whether it was the time spent at the gym that enabled such ease to do so or the fact that Fenris was much lighter than he ever remembered him being. Fenris lay sprawled amongst the cushions, eyes closed. They had made sure he was fine before they picked him up, it seemed that he was just overwhelmed.

Sebastian and Garrett filled the silence with arguments, focused more on that than when Fenris began to stir. He shuffled on the sofa, taking a shaky breath and his eyes fluttering open. The world slowly began to focus around him.

“I know you mean well Garrett, I’m just not sure you should be here right now,” Sebastian said sharply. When Fenris tilted his head to get a better look at what was going on, he could see Sebastian shaking his head. The last thing he wanted was for the two of them to fight but he could already feel the tension high in the air. Sebastian had mentioned that he and Garrett had not exactly spoke much since he was taken but that didn’t exactly call for hostility.

“You know how I feel and— Oh! Fenris! He’s woken up,” Garrett was cut off mid-sentence when he turned and glanced at Fenris. A smile graced his face after being so angrily contorted. He reached out to caress Fenris’s face but he jerked away from the touch. Blinking wildly, Fenris shuffled to sit up right. “Ah, don’t sit up too fast,”

It was too late for his warning to be acknowledged and Fenris felt another wave of dizziness come as soon as he was sat up. He rested his forehead on his hand and grimaced, closing his eyes once again and waiting for the room to stop spinning.

“It’s better if you ask to touch him first,” Sebastian chided, tutting. “He’s still very jumpy,”

“He didn’t mind when I hugged him,” Garrett retorted, his attention being dragged back to Sebastian.

“He passed out!” he said. Fenris decided that he didn’t like them talking about this as if he wasn’t there. He had enough of that when he was still in hospital and the doctors would circle around him, fussing over his condition. They meant well but it didn’t mean it wasn’t slightly awkward and degrading.

Before Garrett could protest, Sebastian left the room and walked into the kitchen. Just being around Garrett again was infuriating, they couldn’t talk without fighting. He assumed it was because their conversations usually revolved around Fenris. It had become quite the sore spot in the last decade. Deep down, he knew it was wrong to blame Garrett for what happened and he had prayed many times for forgiveness. Yet, it was so hard to pin blame on a dead man.

At least now he was out of the room, he could cool down. Perhaps leaving Garrett alone with Fenris wasn’t the smartest idea he’d ever had but it was unlikely that anything major could go wrong. He walked over to the sink and poured a mug filled with water for Fenris. Once he had given Fenris a glass and he had vehemently refused to drink out of it and refused to tell him why.  He supposed that one day he might find out. There were still many things to discover about his time in capture and Sebastian wasn’t sure if he wanted to know them all. Especially, not after the video. He shook that thought out of his head.

After a sigh, he carried the mug of water back into the living room where Fenris was letting Garrett rub his shoulder soothingly. He couldn’t help but frown at how easily the two were getting along after so long. It should take more time, he thought, didn’t Fenris realise what happened last time he was left alone in his care? No, that was such a poisonous mindset. He should be happy for them.

“Here,” Sebastian offered Fenris the mug of water. Fenris didn’t say anything, sticking to silence as he reached out and grabbed the handle of the mug. Both Sebastian and Garrett watched him as he took the first sip. “Your toast is probably cold by now; do you want it or should I make you some more?”

In truth, Fenris had forgotten all about the breakfast Sebastian had made for him. In all the overwhelming excitement of Garrett’s re-appearance, the poor slices of toast had been left behind on the dining room table. He stared down into his reflection in the water and pondered his choices. It would be more effort for Sebastian to go into the kitchen and make him more breakfast. He could live with cold toast, he supposed.

“The…toast on the table will be fine,” he said after clearing his throat. That must’ve been the first-time Garrett had heard him speak.

 Sebastian left to retrieve the abandoned toast.

“Are you okay Fen?” Garrett asked, rubbing small circles with his thumb on his shoulder. Fenris nodded and took another big gulp of water. “Well, as long as you’re sure,”

“I missed you Garrett,” Fenris replied and for a moment was worried about seeing the expression that would be plastered on Garrett’s face. He would be brave though. When he turned, Garrett looked dumbstruck. His eyes were wide, lips slightly parted. He let go of his shoulder slowly and used both hands to rub at his eyes. Fenris worried he had upset him, making him cry had never been his intention.

Then he sobbed. Fenris was at a loss of what to do. He clenched tightly on the handle of the mug he was holding. When he saw Sebastian crying, he had been so overcome with emotions and it was the first time he had any real warm contact with someone outside of the room.  

“I’m sorry I…” his first instinct was to apologise. Danarius had never cried in front of him, he figured it would have been strange if he did. All tears had only been his own until he finally escaped.

“No, no. It’s not your fault,” Garrett suddenly said, rubbing his wet eyes on his sleeve. He smiled shakily at Fenris. The happy façade he was trying to pull wasn’t at all convincing. Then he laughed a little. “Well. I suppose it is a bit. It’s just…I’m so happy to hear you say that,”

Oh. They weren’t sad tears.

Fenris felt a little stupid for assuming straight away that he had done something to upset him. He took one last big sip of water and put the mug on the floor while Garrett watched curiously. There was no denying he was nervous but he outstretched his arm towards Garrett and waited for a response.

 It took a while for him to realise what Fenris was offering and while stared at him with damp cheeks, Fenris worried that he had made a bad choice. Garrett only chuckled again, leaning over, embracing Fenris. He let him bury his face into his shoulder and inhale deeply. It was much nicer than the first time, when he had been so overcome with emotions. Everything was warm and soft; Garrett’s touch was so gentle.

Sebastian walked back in with the plate that had Fenris’s toast. He set it down on the end of the sofa Fenris’s feet, hoping that he would notice as soon as he could pull himself away from Garrett’s hold. By how content Fenris looked, he was glad to think that Fenris had been the one who initiated the contact.

Eventually, Fenris did pull away. His fingers slipped away from Garrett’s back but he lingered on his face for a little longer. He felt his own cheeks heat up, much to Garrett’s amusement. The innocent crush he once had for the man was starting to resurface and he remembered why he had spent so long pining after his best childhood friend. Though, it was a little saddening remembering that things still might not work out the way he wanted them to, he couldn’t simply ask Garrett to ditch anyone he was seeing now if he was. He had disappeared from his life for a long time after all.

“Eat your toast,” Garrett told him with a toothy smile. Fenris felt a resurgence of butterflies in his stomach and he complied, reaching over to the toast that had been left for him. Sebastian smiled at him too when he saw him grab a slice and take a bite.

After so long, things were finally starting to feel right, like this was where he was supposed to be. There were surely many more things to discover and overcome but for now, he could be content with just this. Sat on his sofa at home, with his father and…whatever Garrett was. A friend? A boyfriend? He wasn’t sure yet.

He was happy to be home.


	2. Can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Sebastian learn new things about the events of Fenris's capture and Fenris tries to break Danarius's hold on him.

Fenris stared at Sebastian as the man worked the buttons of his shirt. It had been his decision to wear something that was going to require an extra set of hands to take on and off, but he told him that he didn’t want to feel restricted. The days seemed to drag while they waited to receive more information from the police about what went on in Danarius’s basement. Yet, he was mostly nervous about the therapy appointment he had next Tuesday. He knew he was going to have to talk about things he wasn’t sure if he was ready to discuss.

As the last button was popped open, Sebastian met his gaze and smiled. Fenris shuffled on the tiles of the bathroom floor. He was steadily trying to get back into a routine of showering daily. For a while he had forgotten that he could, so used to the tight restrictions of Danarius’s bath days. The hot water made his feet ache when he was without bandages, but other than that it was nice.

“I’ll be outside the door if you need me,” Sebastian reminded him. Just in case anything went wrong or he needed any help. Fenris was unsure that even if he was in danger, he could put aside his dignity.

Regardless, he nodded and began to shuffle his shirt down from his shoulders. As it fell, he caught a quick glimpse of his body in the bathroom mirror above the sink. Something bone white glimmered in the reflection. What was that? His eyebrows furrowed as he twisted around to get a better look. Eyes widened and his breath hitched.

“Dad?” he called out, halting Sebastian who had his hand on the door handle. He turned around to face him. “What is this?”

“What’s what?” Sebastian asked.

There was no way he couldn’t see it. Like vines crawling across his skin, lines circled around his back. They were made of some kind of white ink, a stark contrast against his olive brown skin. Were they tattoos? He couldn’t remember getting them. Judging by the fact that they were not red and raw around the edges, they had been there awhile. He could faintly recall an ache creeping up his back when he looked at them, but he had assumed that had been due to more…intimate activities. Fenris swallowed roughly.

“You must be able to see it…the…the…” he replied, gesturing to his back. Sebastian followed his gaze and lingered on the tattoos. Just looking at them made him slightly uneasy.

It had been a collective decision not to say anything about the tattoos. Everyone had assumed that Fenris knew about them, one would think they would remember such an intricate procedure that must’ve taken such a long time to cover the entirety of his back. No one wanted to bring up a delicate subject in case it was a memory that was going to cause Fenris a lot of distress. It just wasn’t worth it. Sebastian assumed it had been Fenris’s captor’s doing. He certainly didn’t have them before he took him. What was the purpose of them? Some form of sick branding? He had hoped Fenris might have the answers to his questions.

The way Fenris was looking at him, confusion twinkling in is his eyes, was enough to tell him that he did not know they were there until this very moment. After all, he had no reason to lie. Fenris’s memory had been patchy ever since he got out, even now he still appeared to have forgotten things about his time before his capture. Now he was learning that his memory loss extended to his time in the basement. He supposed it was possible that Fenris had been unconscious during the procedure. This thought process was making his stomach clench with nausea.

“We thought you knew,” Sebastian told him. “It had to have happened while you were…”

“Taken?” Fenris finished his sentence. His whole body was rigid, lips pressed tightly together. Sebastian exhaled softly and nodded. He had to admit that he didn’t know what was the best way to handle this type of situation. Fenris would hate to be thought of as delicate, he knew that, but he was so easily frightened it was hard not to dote on him.

The doctors in the hospital had recommended he was patient with him and not to come on too strongly. They also wanted Fenris to stay in the hospital for longer. He couldn’t do that to him, Fenris was already restless at the time. After spending so long cooped up in a basement, it was no wonder he hated the feeling of entrapment in a hospital when he now had the entire world to explore.

There was a moment’s silence, Fenris gazing into the bathroom mirror and staring at the expanse of white tattoos he could see from that angle. Then he spoke; “I hate it…”

“Fenris—”

“I hate it!” Fenris exclaimed, louder this time. “Can we get rid of it? I want it gone!”

Sebastian swallowed roughly. It was painful to watch as Fenris reached behind himself and began to claw at the lines on his skin. His nails dug in and he groaned, threatening to draw blood. It didn’t take long for Sebastian to realise he had to do something, he couldn’t let Fenris hurt himself like this. He strolled over and took hold of Fenris’s wrist, pulling away from his back. The white ink resisted, lined with red now from where they had been scratched.

At the grab, Fenris jerked back. His backside hit the sink basin, freed hand reaching for purchase. On the way, he knocked over a couple soap bottles and they clattered against the bathroom tiles. His toes recoiled as he heard them hit the floor. He panted heavily, staring at Sebastian with damp eyes and a trembling bottom lip.

“I’m sorry Fenris,” Sebastian quickly apologised, running his fingers through his hair. He should’ve known better than to be too rough with him. However, he had a feeling that Fenris wasn’t going to stop simply because he asked him to. “I had to, you were hurting yourself,”

Fenris closed his gaping mouth and looked down at the floor, looking obviously sorry for himself. Sebastian felt a surge of guilt bubble up. He had to remember that a decade changed people, particularly in Fenris’s case. There was no way he could possibly even imagine or comprehend what Fenris had been through and how that changed him as a person. Even so, he just wished that he could have his little boy back. The one that he knew.

“There are too many tattoos to get rid of it efficiently. The procedure would take a long time and a lot of money. Even then, it’ll probably scar,” Sebastian attempted to explain. He wished dearly that he could do more to help, that the process would be easy, but it just wasn’t their reality.

“So…this is how I am,” Fenris replied. Sebastian could feel the hurt in his voice right down to the very core. Fenris’s fingers tightened around the sink basin. Then suddenly, they loosened and he straightened himself out. “I would like to shower now,”

Sebastian frowned.

“Are you okay?” It was a stupid question.

“I would like to shower now,” Fenris repeated, not answering the question. Sebastian sighed, realising that arguing was going to get him nowhere. He assured Fenris that he would be right outside if he needed anything and left the room. As the door clicked shut, he leaned back against the wall next to it. There had to be a better way to deal with this. Fenris didn’t need any more things to worry about.

 

When there's a knock on the front door the next day, Sebastian peers out the window to see who it is. To his relief it's only one woman. Ginger hair tied back as she stands tall and firm, knocking once again. A doorbell was probably a great idea but right now he wasn't sure how well Fenris would take that. In any case, Sebastian hurried to the door, not leaving the woman waiting a second longer than necessary. Fenris was still asleep upstairs so hopefully this would all be done before he woke.

He slowly opened the door and drew the attention of the woman in the doorway. Judging by her uniform, she was some kind of policewoman or detective. It was likely she was here about Fenris - did they finally have information about his case? If there were as much footage as Fenris claimed there was, he had doubts about them finishing it.

"Mr. Vael?" she asked. Sebastian nodded. "My name is Aveline Vallen, I have information you may be interested in about your son. Is he in?"

"He's sleeping upstairs, should I wake him?" he said.

She shook her head.

"It's alright. Just you is fine. May I come in?" she replied. Sebastian opened the door wide enough for her to walk inside. He shut the door behind her and guided her to take a seat in the living room.

“Can I get you a drink? Tea, coffee?” he offered. Aveline sat down on the sofa, fumbling with some of her possessions which included a large folder. Its contents most likely had something to do with Fenris and that piqued his curiosity.

Aveline looked up when she realised she had been asked a question. She paused before speaking; “That’d be wonderful. Coffee if you have it. Milk, one sugar.”

Sebastian nodded, disappearing into the kitchen.

Once he was gone, Aveline stood up in the living room. It wouldn’t hurt to have a quick look around while he was brewing a coffee. She’d heard plenty about this case when she was just training for her job, it was one of the biggest mysteries on the force. A little part of her was almost convinced that had she been on the team to find the boy, they would’ve had more success. They closed it before she could get her hands on it and the investigation only started back up now the missing boy had reappeared.

Her heart went out to Sebastian and how he must’ve felt losing his son. By the looks of things, they had been pretty close. She wandered by the fireplace and glanced at the photos sat upon it. There were many of them scattered around and she wondered whether Sebastian had gotten them back out now his son was safe and sound or he had borne the brunt of the pain of having them staring him in the face for ten years.

She picked one of them up, inspecting it. Most of the photographs pictured Sebastian and a younger boy, Fenris. This particular one in her hands, stuck out as one of the only ones of an older Fenris. His skin had more notable white patches spreading across it, his hair now completely bone white as opposed to a mixture of black and white like it had been as a child. They were sat together at some kind of bar judging by the lighting and furniture. Sebastian had an arm wrapped around Fenris’s shoulder, smiling brightly while Fenris looked more flustered with red in his cheeks and a quirk to his smile.

“Fenris’s 18th birthday,” Sebastian suddenly said from the doorway, making Aveline jump and almost drop the photo she was holding. “Garrett and I took Fenris out for a drink,”

“I apologise, I didn’t mean to pry,” she rushed her words, setting the photo frame back down in its rightful place. Sebastian chuckled and pulled a coaster across the coffee table, setting Aveline’s coffee down upon it.

She shuffled over to the sofa and sat down. It didn’t take long for her to reach for the steaming hot cup of coffee and take a sip. Sebastian found himself walking over to where Aveline had stood and looking at the photograph she had held. The last photo that had been taken before Fenris had gone missing. He looked so cheerful, so healthy, and full of life, had his whole life ahead of him at a meagre eighteen years old. Beginning to hear his heart pound in his chest, he turned back around to Aveline.

He took a seat across from her on the sofa, eyes catching on the unopened file she had in her lap. She noticed him staring and smiled a little, setting the cup back down on the coaster and flipping open the file.

“It seems you’ve noticed why I’m here,” she said. Sebastian nodded. She fumbled with the papers inside the file and unclipped a few photographs from the paper clip at the top. Sebastian took them to study them when she handed them to him.

The first one was a picture of Fenris. He wasn’t facing the camera, looking off somewhere in the distance with a smile on his face, perhaps talking to somebody off camera? The most striking part was his outfit. He was clad in his school uniform, a bag slung over his shoulder. Sebastian guessed he couldn’t be any older than fifteen.

Palming through the other photographs, they all were of Fenris. He had never seen these photos before. There was a sickness swimming in his stomach, all pictures of Fenris in his school uniform. No older than sixteen. He looked up at Aveline for answers.

“The man who took Fenris, we found them on his computer. Along with photographs that appear to have been taken from Fenris’s phone. Selfies, pictures with friends, boyfriend. However, we found no trace of Fenris’s phone itself. We suspect it may have been destroyed,” she explained. “It rules out the theory that this was an impulsive attack but rather one that had been planned for years ahead,”

Sebastian’s fists tightened on the photos, knuckles white. It made him want to vomit, bile pooling in his throat. The man was a stalker then, a predator or some kind of sick pervert after a child. A child! His son! His wonderful, intelligent little boy. And this man had the nerve to—!

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was a good thing the man was dead. Sebastian had half a mind to gut him himself if not. It had been bad enough learning that Fenris had been kept in the next street over.

“I understand this is difficult for you Mr. Vael but I thought you should know,” Aveline snapped him out of his thoughts. She pressed her lips together. “It’s unprofessional for me to say it but I’m glad the bastard is dead. Nasty piece of work,”

Smiling a little, Sebastian handed the photos back to her.

“Thank you Aveline,” he said. She placed the photos back in the file and reached over for her coffee to take another big gulp.

“The guys at the station are still looking through the footage. We found the discs Fenris spoke of. At the moment, it looks like Danarius was the only man involved but we’re keeping our eyes peeled for anyone else who may have been involved. We will keep you informed,” she told him then took another sip. “I trust Fenris is settling in alright?”

Sebastian paused then nodded and said “Yes.”

“That’s good. Truth be told, I had just started out at the police academy when I heard about it on the news. I felt like if I could’ve been on the team earlier maybe the case would’ve gotten solved before it came to this,” she said.

It was something that Sebastian had never paid much thought too, he didn’t want to. He had tried reaching out to other police stations in the region in case Fenris had gone far away. After a few days, they gathered that he could’ve been anywhere in the country. What were the chances that he wasn’t far away at all? But if it had happened at a different time, things could’ve been different, it could’ve worked out better.

In the end, it didn’t matter. It happened and it was over now. There wasn’t anything anyone could do to change the past.

Aveline drank the rest of her coffee and tore off a small piece of paper. Sebastian watched her write something down and hand it to him. A phone number, he noted when he looked down at it. He raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“If you ever need anything, you can call. I’ll get out of your hair for now, but seriously, this kind of stuff can be tough. I know you’re focused on your son right now but you should consider maybe talking to someone too,” she explained, smiling a little and standing up.

“...Thank you,” Sebastian replied, putting the paper strip on the coffee table and saying his goodbyes to her when he led her out of the front door.

He leaned against the door and sighed. Perhaps Fenris would wake soon.

 

Garrett’s visits were frequent. Fenris often wondered how he had time to maintain a job or relationship when he spent so much time in this house. They didn’t talk much, uncharacteristic of Garrett who was usually a big talker, but often simply took some of the workload off Sebastian. After a week, Sebastian was ready to go back to work. He learned that he indeed still taught young children in school and did services at the Church on a Sunday. That meant that Saturday was going to be the day they spent the full day together. They had agreed that Garrett would take his place helping him do the tasks he couldn’t do by himself.

Admittedly, Fenris hadn’t fully understood what that meant. Sebastian left for work in the early hours of the morning and most of the time he didn’t stumble out of bed until nine. He quickly realised that if he needed any assistance getting dressed in the morning, he was going to have to ask Garrett. Such a thing felt strangely intimate for someone who was his…He paused. Ex-boyfriend? Friend? He wasn’t entirely certain.

Alternatively, he could remain in his pyjamas. That sounded like a promising idea.

He awoke to the smell of cooking downstairs. Looking around, he noticed he was in Sebastian’s room and the memories of last night’s horror-filled nightmares came rushing back. However, the room was empty except for him. This was the first day Sebastian had gone to work.

Quietly, he padded down the stairs. At first, he reached for something that he could strike the intruder with before remembering that the mysterious smell wafting up the stairs was likely Garrett cooking. He wasn’t sure how well he could swing at an intruder even if there was one. Admittedly, most of his strength had been in his dominant hand, which now ceased to be.

“Good morning!” Garrett’s chipper voice knocked him out of his thoughts and he realised he was stood in the doorway of the kitchen. He was dishing out a meal onto two plates. Eggs, sausage, and bacon it seemed. “Just in time to eat, come on we’ll sit at the table,”

Fenris followed Garrett into the dining room, where he placed the two plates down on the table. As he walked over, he was about comment on his inability to use both a knife and fork at this current time given his predicament. However, when he looked down he noticed that one of the plates was already cut up into pieces that could easily be stabbed with a fork. It seemed that Garrett had already considered it.

He sat down slowly and picked up the fork, ready to dig in. However, Garrett seemed to wander around behind him. Fenris jumped at the touch of Garrett’s hair on his scalp, dropping his fork and jerking his head around to stare at him. Instantly, Garrett’s hands recoiled.

“Sorry I…I forgot for a second there you…may I tie your hair back? I find mine gets in the way when I eat if I don’t,” he offered. No one had touched Fenris’s hair since Danarius except for Fenris himself and some of the nurses during his hospital stay. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. But he nodded anyway, shoulders hunched and tense as Garrett’s chubby fingers combed through his hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. “There we go,”

After sealing it with a hair tie, Garrett sat at the table to eat. He hardly hesitated before stabbing a piece of bacon and popping it into his mouth.

Fenris looked down at his meal, the echoes of fingers still lingering in his hair. Crawling all over him, over his scalp like worms and burrowing into his brain. Danarius’s touch burned into his head, his guts churning as he was reminded of his sickening words and gentle caresses. His careful fingertips running through locks of hair as he scrubbed in shampoo and conditioner. _Such beautiful hair Fenris,_ he crooned in his ear.

Forget about it, he told himself, reaching for his fork against and picking at his meal. Garrett was no Danarius. He cared for him, trusted him, there was no reason for him to be afraid of his touch. Yet, he was.

“Are you okay?” Garrett asked. Fenris took a deep breath.

“Yeah,” he said. As if any other response was acceptable. He wanted to make the whole thing as easy for everyone else as he could, they didn’t deserve to waste their lives chasing after him and trying to make him feel better when he was upset over stupid, unimportant things. They already wasted too much.

The two of them ate breakfast in silence. Fenris could see Garrett stealing glances at him whenever he thought he wasn’t looking. He couldn’t tell if it was to check if he was alright or something else entirely.

It was strange, looking at Garrett. He was hardly the man he remembered. It almost felt like he was a different person. A lot could happen in ten years and evidently it had. He wondered if Garrett thought the same thing he when he looked at him. There was a tiredness to his gaze that he had never seen before, slight bags and lines under his eyes blending into familiar freckles. He had always known Garrett to be the most upbeat man he’d ever met, even as a child. Yet now, he always looked so sad and exhausted when not meeting his gaze. Did he cause this?

When they finished their meals, Garrett gathered the plates and carried them into the kitchen. Fenris had reached to take his own plate and cutlery but Garrett had insisted he stay put. Reluctantly, he did as he was told.

They spent a quiet day together, watching tv and doing indoor activities. Garrett ran after his every need, even if he told him not to. He’d laugh and tell him he was stubborn, to just let him help. Perhaps he was. Should he just be blindly accepting help? If there was one thing he hated about this whole ordeal of being doted on, it was feeling helpless. He desperately wished he had his arm back, it’d be better if he did. That way he could insist on doing more things himself. Instead, he found himself frustrated by the things he couldn’t do no matter how much he wanted to.

“Oh! I never let your hair down for you, let me do that,” he suddenly said whilst watching television on the sofa but waited for some kind of approval from Fenris before moving. Fenris nodded, convincing himself that he wouldn’t let the crawling sensation from earlier return to haunt him. He swivelled a little, taking a sharp inhale as Garrett’s hands refound his head and gently pulled the hair tie away. His hair cascaded down over his shoulder blades and tickled his neck.

He couldn’t ignore it, the feeling of Garrett’s hands in his hair ever present. Prying fingers, creeping fingers, wriggling down into his core and making him want to vomit. Every brush of his hair against his skin was agony for his nerves. Abruptly, he stood up.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he announced before walking away, heading for the bathroom.

“Just shout if you need me,” Garrett called to him.

With a deep breath, he shut the bathroom door behind him and placed his hands on the bathroom sink. It was like his whole body was infested with crawling insects and he couldn’t get them out. He splashed his face with water in the sink in hopes of cooling himself down. It was nice to have a little time out of Garrett’s overbearing grasp. That was something he would’ve never said as a teenager. The man sometimes acted like nothing had changed between them. He helped him like it was normal, but never mentioned the past. Fenris had taken it as a hint that he didn’t want to talk about it and their relationship was starting anew.

The water had dampened loose strands of hair that had fallen into his face. Droplets slid down them and dripped into the sink. When he looked up, he found himself staring into his own reflection. This long, long hair that Danarius had loved. Danarius had made him grow it out, treasured and worshipped every lock. Sometimes it seemed like it was the part of him he admired most.

And it was still here, a part of him.

Shakily, he moved his hand up to run his fingers through it. The soft feel of it should’ve been nice against his hands but instead it incited disgust. Swallowing a lump in his throat, he opened the bathroom cabinet and fumbled for a pair of scissors. He stared at the blades for a while and closed the cabinet door. He could faintly see a distorted reflection of himself in the blades.

This was a stupid idea, he told himself, and put the scissors on the corner of the sink and took a step back. But mirrors were abound in this room. The long hair was taunting him, wrapping around his throat, choking him like heavy hands.

While it was here, Danarius was.

He curled in on himself, his own numb fingers grabbing handfuls of the dark locks and tugging. Harder and harder, threatening to tear the hairs from their very roots. A sob tumbled from his lips as they refused to part from his scalp. Hot tears rolling down his cheeks. It had to go! Get rid of it! His own mind pressured him.

In seconds, he was back at the sink and grabbing the scissors with a tear-stained face and a shaky hand. All of it! He brought the scissors to the first chunk of hair and cut. He kept cutting. As his frustration grew, the faster he cut.

Snip. Snip. Snip.

The echo of the scissor blades.

He could no longer control his own hand. The scissors kept chopping. Little whimpers and hiccups from his crying escaped his lips. The hair fell in piles by his feet. There was so much of it. Oh God, there was so much of it.

But with it, Danarius’s hold died. Killed it—killed him! A second time over.

Sniffling, he looked up into the mirror and dropped the scissors in the sink. Jagged and patchy, he was a mess. The hair had been cut just below his ears, though it varied in lengths and clung to his face. Hideous, he looked even more hideous than before. How could someone ever desire him when he looked like this? Garrett moved on from him, everyone pitied him. It was understandable when he could see himself like this, with a flushed face and a terrible haircut.

Yet, he laughed. He covered his mouth and laughed. What was he mourning for? The death of Danarius? The death of a beauty he never had?

A tapping on the door made him jump, he rubbed furiously at his eyes. Who was it? What had they come for? Did Danarius know he had tried to part from him, come back to haunt him, he was going to _murder_ him—

“Fenris?” It was Sebastian’s voice. Had he come home from work already? It was probably about time. “Are you alright in there?”

He knocked again when he didn’t answer. How could he face him looking like this? What would he say? Perhaps he’d finally give up on him, cast him aside and deem him unworthy of his time and affection. He’d hear stories of fathers who kicked their children to the curb when they were too much to handle.

“I’m coming in,” Sebastian announced. Fenris watched the door handle move as Sebastian walked in. There had been no need to lock the door. He backed up against the sink, clutching it tightly and shielding the scissors with his body. Not that it mattered, his own appearance and the large quantity of hair littered across the tiles on the floor were enough evidence to make a good conclusion.

His heart pounded as Sebastian’s eyes locked on his and then down at hair on the floor. His eyebrows slightly furrowed. It was an expression Fenris was familiar with, slight frustration but mostly disappointment.

“T-The hair, he…made me grow it I can’t…I couldn’t l-look at it I…” Fenris stammered. “Every time Garrett touched it…i-it felt like a hundred tiny needles in my skin I just…I couldn’t…”

A long exhale emerged from Sebastian.

“It’s okay Fenris. I’m just glad you’re okay, Garrett was worried sick downstairs, he thought he did something wrong. Let’s clean this up, shall we? How about a trip to the salon? We’ll get your hair sorted out and it might be good for you to try going outside again,” he suggested, smiling softly. Fenris blinked wildly. No angry yelling, no berating, just…acceptance. Of course, this was Sebastian they were talking about. He was such a fool. “Your usual place still runs. You could get a cut and dye if you like,”

Fenris’s shoulders relaxed and he wiped his wet cheeks with his palm. Whatever did he do to deserve a father like Sebastian?

“I would…I would like that,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hfjdks IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO COME OUT! i know MCK updated weekly and i had hoped for a similar thing with this fic
> 
> unfortunately i encountered some computer problems ): idk how much longer this pc is going to last me. i dont have the funds to straight up buy a new one.  
> if any of you could help me out by buying me a coffee, donating to my paypal or perhaps you're interested in an art commission the details are all on my tumblr and id be more than grateful! you can find it all by putting in this link http://the-tevinter-biscuit.tumblr.com/post/160401288406/re-opening-commissions-again-my-pc-is-getting  
> thank you so much!!


	3. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finally gets his haircut but things go awry on the trip home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks as always to my lovely beta Peach_Cherry for her constant support and suggestions<3

The thing about getting his hair cut was that it meant going outside. In the week he had been home, Fenris had yet to leave his house. He stood in his bedroom, pulling a baggy hoodie over his head, and slipping his arm through. Sebastian told him that there was a chance people would try and talk to him, like reporters and such. He said that he didn’t have to talk to them if he didn’t want to. Fenris was at a loss of what he could possible say to them, even if he wished to speak.

So, he shoved the sleeve he didn’t use in the pocket of the hoodie and drew the hood up. Anyone who looked hard enough could see that the sleeve did not have an arm in it, one of his more noticeable features, but from a distance it was at least a little convincing. He had to shield his face and hair for the best chances of going unnoticed.

He supposed he could get a hairdresser to come out and do his hair at home but he needed the experience outside the house. That and to get a service like that, he would need a different hairdresser. Sebastian had assured him that the petite blonde woman who used to do his hair still worked at the same place. There weren’t many people he would allow to touch his hair, even now when it was in tatters. Garrett’s touch had frightened him enough as it were, and they were close. He hoped that he would be able to rest easy this time.

After taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he padded down the stairs to find Sebastian waiting by the front door. He twirled his car keys in his hands and smiled when he saw him. The salon wasn’t far, but they didn’t want to be seen and Sebastian said it would be better for him than walking around outside.

“Ready?” he asked. Fenris nodded. “Let’s go then,”

When they walked outside, Garrett was already sat in the back of the car. Sebastian gave Fenris the choice of whether he wanted to sit in the front with him or the back with Garrett. Fenris thought about it for a moment. He knew his dad was safe in the front, but he would be driving and if any difficulties arose it would be hard to handle when he needed to keep his eyes on the road. So, he opted to sit in the back with Garrett.

Garrett didn’t comment on his new haircut, only smiled when he got in the car and let Sebastian shut the door behind him. He helped him put on his seatbelt and they waited for Sebastian to start the car.

Fenris couldn’t deny he was nervous. At some point during the drive, Garrett seemed to notice he was becoming overwhelmed with nerves. Perhaps it was the sweat or maybe the shaking, but Garrett’s hand found his and he squeezed it reassuringly. It settled him by a small percentage, but that was still progress.

Sebastian and Garrett ushered him into the salon once they were out of the car. It was empty, no customers in sight. It had always been a small place but did quite well for itself, bumbling with customers most days. However, it seemed bigger than he remembered. He supposed it had been a decade since he last set foot in here. It was nice to see that they had upgraded things, it meant the business was still successful. That did leave the question of whether the place had been cleared out specifically for him.

Bustling around the corner was a thin blonde woman, hair tied up in a bun with a couple strands hanging down and framing her face. Orana looked older than he remembered, but it definitely was her. She smiled and her eyes twinkled when she saw him.

“Fenris, I’m so happy to see you. I was over the moon when I heard that you had been found. Do you want to take a seat?” she offered, guiding him over to one of the chairs by the sinks. Sebastian and Garrett stayed close by in an effort to reassure him he was safe. Orana scurried around the room to get a couple supplies.

After he sat down, he moved to tug the hoodie off. Noticing a bit of difficulty, Sebastian reached out to help him but Garrett’s hand stopped him. Grimacing, he turned to scowl at him.

“He can do it,” Garrett said. Not wanting to argue in front of Fenris, Sebastian pulled his hands back and folded his arms. Who was he to tell him how to raise and treat his son? He was his father, he had known him longer than anyone else on this planet. Quite frankly, he had been concerned about his motives ever since he appeared on their doorstep ready to devote his life to a boy he had dated for a few years in his adolescence. Well, he bristled at the memory that they had been friends since they were toddlers, but that was hardly the point.

With a bit of wiggling, Fenris pulled the hoodie over his head and handed it to Sebastian who took it eagerly.

Orana returned shortly after and looked him over now he was without his hoodie. He knew she was well-intentioned, that she didn’t mean to stare, but he had a feeling that everyone would and it was something he was going to have to get used to. She pretended to keep her gaze on the state of his hair, but he could see her eyes flicker down to his missing arm. It made him squirm in his seat.

After a couple deep breaths, Fenris finally answered Orana about what he wanted. Something short, easy to maintain, where the strands wouldn’t tickle his neck. The white back would be nice too, he added.

“I’ve got just the thing,” she replied.

As the process began, Fenris closed his eyes and put his hand out towards Sebastian and Garrett who both reached for his hand. They exchanged a glance, but this time Garrett gave way and let Sebastian take his hand. He squeezed and rubbed his thumb on his knuckles to soothe him, and Fenris tried his best to focus on that. He jolted at every snip of the scissors and squeezed his hand tighter. Orana apologised each time. The poignant smell of bleach reminded him of the days he had spent attempting to dye his own hair as a teenager, before Sebastian had finally convinced him to get it professionally done, that he would cover the cost.

“You can open your eyes now,” Sebastian told him, once Orana’s fingers had left his hair, everything was done and a long time had passed. His eyes fluttered open and gently, his hand slipped from Sebastian’s hold. For as much as he hated seeing himself in the mirror, he had to look now.

It was odd, seeing himself with white hair again. Though most photos through his teenage years showcased it, he had almost forgotten what he looked like with it. He sniffled and with a shaky hand he moved to comb his fingers through his hair. Short, shaved underneath. He’d never had it like this before. The bristles of the shaved parts felt strange, softer than he had expected. In the reflection, he could see his eyes grow watery, and Orana’s smile from behind him.

“I like it,” he uttered, wiping his eyes with his palm. “I really do,”

 

The haircut experience was a boost of confidence and Fenris opted to sit in the front of the car on the way home. He had allowed someone with a pair of scissors (a potential weapon) near his hair, he’d be fine travelling in a car. However, he still had to wear his hoodie with the hood up.

Sebastian was happy to see him sit beside him. He had done so well with the haircut, he had to think of some kind of treat or reward. Maybe get some ice-cream or something, Fenris loved sweet stuff and it was easy to eat as it only required a spoon. He’d have to make a shopping trip while Garrett was around to look after him.

Turning around the corner, Sebastian spied a couple vans parked close by the house. He frowned, playing on the side of caution, and pulled over. From here, he could make out a couple people wandering around. They had cameras and microphones and seemed to be discussing something. There were several of them, in different branding and uniforms. Obviously, they had noticed his car wasn’t parked in the driveway and was waiting for someone to come home.

“Shit,” Sebastian cursed under his breath, slamming his fist on the steering wheel. The action made Fenris flinch and stare at him with wide eyes.

“What’s going on?” Garrett asked, pulling his seatbelt to its limits as he leaned forward to poke his head between the two front seats from the back. Sebastian sighed, running his fingers through his hair in frustration before pointing towards the reporters scrambling around the driveway. Garrett followed the gesture and breathed a quiet; “Oh.”

Perhaps it had been too much to wish for, that this venture would go unnoticed by the media. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Fenris begin to panic with his fist clenched tightly around his seatbelt. Sebastian reached for the house keys and tossed them to Garrett.

“I’m going to pull into the driveway. I want you both to duck out of sight of the window. Then I’m going to get out and no doubt they’ll come for me. When they do, Garrett take Fenris and go inside the house as fast as you can. Okay?” he said. Both of them nod, but he can see Fenris trembling.

With his fists tight on the steering wheel, Sebastian pulled out and kept moving towards the driveway. Garrett had unbuckled his seatbelt in order to get as low as possible, he had enough trouble with his head brushing against the ceiling of the car. It was times like these his height was not to his advantage. Fenris was shielding his head with his arms, seatbelt also unbuckled now and ducking below view height of the window.

Once parked, the reporters began to swarm the car. As quickly as he could unbuckle and leap out of the car, Sebastian guided their presence away from the car as he began to be bombarded with invasive questions.

Noting the distraction, Garrett stumbled out of the car, his long legs almost making him trip and fall. It seemed to catch the attention of a couple cameramen, who turned to face him. He tried not to let it bother him, running to open Fenris’s car door and pull him out by grabbing his wrist. It would alarm him but they didn’t have much a choice. He wrapped an arm around Fenris’s waist and rushed to pull him in the house.

“If we could just ask a couple questions—”

“You people make me sick. You harass this family day in, day out. My son has been through a decade’s worth of horrific trauma and this! This is what you think is acceptable? Invading our privacy, coming onto my property? If you don’t leave immediately I _will_ call the police and have you removed from here. I never want to see any of you again,” Sebastian exclaimed. “If I hear a peep out of any of you, there will be a lawsuit on your hands!”

There was muttering and shuffling among the crowds.

“You were so involved with the media during your son’s disappearance, don’t you think you owe the public some kind of update on his safety?” one man piped up. Sebastian’s jaw tightened. A public plea to find his son was hardly the same as this.

“I don’t owe any of you bastards anything, now get off my property!” he replied. Apparently, it was enough because the crowds began to dismantle and scurry back to the vans.

Back inside the house, Garrett hadn’t been able to get Fenris as far as the living room to the sofa. Instead, he was sat upon the wooden floor of the hallway with his head in his knees, clearly hyperventilating. He clawed at his chest, hiccupping with tears as his head swam.

Garrett sat beside him with a cup filled with icy water. He was rubbing his back, trying to soothe him, instructing him how to breathe. It was a slow process but he was getting there slowly. He took the cup in shaky hands, taking a sip, and letting the coldness wash away the pain of his sore throat. When he looked at Garrett, sniffling, he smiled at him.

“Better?” he asked. Fenris nodded.

There was a silence between them as Fenris consumed the whole cupful of water. Once he was done, he set it down by his feet on the floor. He pulled down the hood of his hoodie and wiped his wet cheeks with his sleeve. Slowly, he leaned to rest his head against Garrett’s shoulder. As soon as he did, he felt Garrett stiffen so he jerked away. Clearly, he had overstepped his boundaries.

“Please Garrett will…will you just talk to me?” Fenris spoke up. Garrett blinked wildly, bewildered by the question. Fenris shuffled to face him, grabbing hold of the sleeve of Garrett’s t-shirt. “You act like…like none of this matters. Like the last 10 years didn’t mean anything, like…even before that, we didn’t mean anything! I don’t…I-I don’t understand. You’re here you’re…doing all this for me when you don’t have to. Yet, you never talk about yourself. Never about us. Nothing! Y-You don’t…talk to me like I’m a _person._ It’s always questions, do you want this? Can I help with that? Please I just…I just want you to talk to me. Tell me you remember,”

A large hand gently pried Fenris’s fingers away from knotting themselves in the sleeve of Garrett’s shirt. He kept hold of it, but held it on Fenris’s knee.

“I want to pretend Fenris. I want to pretend nothing ever happened to you because I know I could’ve stopped it. I’m so, so sorry. I just want to help you,” he said, squeezing Fenris’s hand lightly. Fenris cast his gaze towards the floor.

“You can’t pretend! It happened! I lived it! Don’t you think I want to forget, to pretend? But I can’t! It’s not your fault it’s never…it’s never been your fault. Please…I need this,” Fenris replied.

The smile dropped from Garrett’s face. He let go of Fenris’s hand and outstretched his arms in offering. Fenris looked up at him, pausing to take in his options. He was doing this on his own terms, his choice. Slowly, he moved into Garrett’s arms and let him embrace him. Garrett’s heartbeat thrummed against his cheek. For a moment, he felt…safe. Like this was how it was meant to be. A hand was rubbing his back again. He missed Garrett, he had missed him so much. They remained there, dwelling in the comfort before Garrett spoke again.

“Do you remember when we went to the aquarium?” he asked.

“It was…just past the penguin exhibit,” Fenris replied. Garrett nodded.

“Yeah. I liked the jellyfish. The way they move is cool. Said I wanted to touch one and you told me “only if you like getting stung and I’m not peeing on you if you do” and it was the most romantic thing you’d ever said to me,” he continued. Fenris felt his lips curl a little, eyes moving up to meet Garrett’s. “We watched those rainbow fish for a while too. And of course, those fish with the really long noses, do you remember what you said to me?”

Fenris paused, going over the memory in his head. Then he smirked slightly and said; “That they looked like Anders.”

Laughter erupted Garrett’s mouth. His chest vibrated against Fenris’s face so he pulled away, still in his grasp but now eye-level with his bearded chin. The laughter settled into snickers and Fenris found himself reaching up to feel the bristles of Garrett’s facial hair. Garrett’s eyes grew wide but he did not protest, allowing him to explore the new contours of his face. A thumb brushed gently over the scar on his nose.

“That too huh? Your dad gave me the evils for weeks after that. Did you ever tell him why I was sneaking in during the early hours of the morning?” he asked. Fenris shook his head. “Hm. I feel like he must’ve known though,”

“Probably,” Fenris mumbled.

They continued to recall stories of their teenage years, at one point Garrett even got Fenris to let out a little laugh. He had missed this. They had both so dearly missed this. Despite how their relationship may have progressed, the fact that they had been best friends first became quickly apparent.

Adrenaline was coursing through Fenris’s body. The butterflies flying around in his stomach whenever he looked at Garrett. He felt fourteen again, a nervous schoolboy reaching for his first real kiss. Touch aside from his own foreign, the embrace of another only in his fantasies until this moment. Garrett didn’t need to say that he liked him in words for him to know. Even in his debauched, ruined body, he held him, joked with him. His heart was pounding a thousand beats per minute.

He couldn’t stop himself.

“Fenris,” Garrett uttered.

Garrett’s warm breath was tingling his lips. His eyes closed. He was so close, almost there. It felt so right, to be here with Garrett in this moment, to be held by him like a lover. He wanted this—no he _needed_ this. More than anything.

Then he was being pushed back. Garrett’s hands on his shoulders. The front door opened.

Everything happened so quickly. Fenris was tossed aside as Sebastian walked in, already visibly frustrated by the reporters, and yanked Garrett to his feet. It was a peculiar sight, Garrett towered over him as well as being broader and all around larger. Yet the yelling had made the gentle giant panicked. Fenris’s eyes widened.

“How dare you take advantage of him, you know what kind of state he’s in!”

“It’s not what you think—”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses Garrett. Even after everything that happened, I let you in my home because that’s what Fenris wanted. You are old enough to know better, how could you betray my trust like this?”

“I didn’t—”

“Just because you haven’t been able to settle, to keep a partner for more than a week, doesn’t mean you can just waltz on into my home and treat Fenris like this. Whatever you had before this mess, it doesn’t matter. He can’t—”

“Dad! Please!” Fenris cut in. His fingernails drew scratches in his palm from how tightly he was holding his fist. He had pushed himself up from the ground and stood against the wall. His outburst had caught the attention of both people arguing. “It was all my fault, please, it was me. Don’t blame him for this, he didn’t do anything wrong!”

It didn’t take Fenris long to drop back to his knees, head bowed, ready to accept his punishment. Sebastian glared at Garrett but dropped his hold on his shirt so he could walk and crouch before his quivering son.

“You don’t have to cover for him Fenris. If he did anything to you, I will always take your side,” he said. Fenris gradually raised his head to look at him, soon realising that he wasn’t about to be hit or punished by him. He was a fool for thinking so.

“It’s true,” he whispered. “I leaned in. He was pushing me away,”

Sebastian sighed, standing up and offering to help Fenris up. He was hesitant, but he took his hand and stood back up.

“Okay I believe you,” Sebastian said and then turned to Garrett. “I’m sorry for accusing you. I’m just…trying to look out for him. You can never be too careful. But perhaps it’s best you go home for tonight. This is all enough excitement for one day,”

To his surprise, Garrett didn’t protest. He said his goodbyes and left the house, leaving only father and son behind.

 

Fenris had been left in a state of melancholy ever since the argument. Sebastian took time to calm down from his anger, he had never known so much aggression in his life since the past decade, only being slightly surpassed by the death of his family. When he got the news that Fenris had been found and was going to return to him, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. However, how could a man possibly prepare himself for a situation like this? Even though the evidence of his capture and torture stared him in the face, his stomach churned whenever he thought about it all too hard.

It seemed like no matter how hard he tried to set things right, to make them a perfect family again, things kept going wrong. He couldn’t help but think that every time they had, Garrett had been there. Through all of Fenris’s meltdowns, Garrett had been involved in some way. Perhaps he was just looking for a scapegoat, someone to blame; he was unable to accept maybe sometimes he himself is also partly to blame.

Regardless, he now had to try and fix this current situation. Holding the box in his hands, it felt wrong to try and patch things up with materialistic items. It reminded him too much of his own parents who tried to solve every problem with expensive gifts. Yet, he couldn’t see another solution.

He knocked on Fenris’s door. Fenris had been sitting in there most of the day and refused to leave. It was clear that he was upset and Sebastian had been growing concerned. Luckily, he was still eating and drinking, he was just moping in bed.

“Fenris?” he called. Once he got an answer, he opened the door and walked in the room.

After shutting the door behind him, he laid eyes on Fenris laid back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. His eyes looked vacant, as if he was somewhere else in his mind. He noticed him enter the room and shuffled to sit up right, rubbing at his tired eyes. The box caught his attention, shifting his gaze down to it and then meeting Sebastian’s again. Sebastian walked over and sat on the end of the bed.

“I got you something,” he said, placing the box carefully in his lap. Fenris picked it up and investigated it. It was a plain white box, not indication of what it could be on the outside. The remnants of sticky tape lingered on some of the edges, clearly already been pried off to save him the hassle.

He pried the box open as best he could. Sebastian resisted the urge to help him even though Garrett was not around to scold him this time.

Fenris shuffled through the plastic filling and locked eyes on the object nestled within the polystyrene. It was clearly some kind of phone, although it was a shape and model he had never seen before. He managed to tug it out and felt it in his hands. It was smooth with curved edges, so thin in his hands. Were they always this thin? He supposed it made sense that technology would have changed, he had seen glimpses of it before.

“Press that to turn it on,” Sebastian instructed him and he did so, watching the screen light up. It felt strange to have his dad teach him about technology, it was always the other way around when he had been a teen. Sebastian wasn’t exactly the most in touch with the latest technology either. “I thought…maybe you’d like to have your own space to connect with the world, while you’re indoors. You can get the internet on it. I’ve set it all up for you. It has my number in it if you ever need me while I’m not here and Garrett’s too,”

The truth was, he never knew what became of his old phone. He hadn’t really even thought about it much. It had been low on his list of priorities. In fact, he hadn’t even considered that he was going to need a new one. Clearly, Sebastian had thought it through.

“Thank you,” he said, using his thumb to investigate the new functions on the device. It would give him something to do at least, to figure out all the new possibilities that were available to him. He didn’t know how long he would be spending his days here at home, but he had a feeling it was going to be a lot longer yet.

“That’s okay. I just want you to know that everything I do, I do it for you, okay? I love you Fenris, you’re my son and you mean the world to me. I just want you to be safe and happy,” Sebastian replied. “May I give you a hug?”

Fenris set the phone down on the bed and nodded. Sebastian pulled him gently into a hug. It was different to how Fenris had felt in Garrett’s arms. Sebastian’s hugs were a different kind of warm, protective, tight. He exhaled deeply, resting his face in the crook of his dad’s neck and enjoying the feeling. Sebastian eventually began to pull away, kissing his forehead softly before they parted.

“I like the hair by the way. It suits you,” Sebastian said. Fenris wasn’t sure why his cheeks heat up but they did, and he found himself combing through it bashfully.

 

His first therapy session hadn’t gone well. When faced with having to answer some more intimate questions, Fenris’s mouth had gone dry and his throat closed up. The idea of having to talk about it was petrifying. They had made all efforts to make him comfortable, doing it in his own home and having his dad by his side at all times. He had to leave half way through to get a cup of water. In the end, his therapist had to stop for the day. They hadn’t gotten far and Fenris felt shaken.

“You did good,” Sebastian attempted to assure him. He didn’t respond, looking down at the floor and shuffling. “These things take time. You’ll get there eventually, I promise. Do you think you’ll be okay to have another session next week? Or do you want a break?”

“I…can handle it,” he answered. Sebastian nodded and pried the empty cup from his fingers so he could take it into the kitchen.

There was no use backing out now. He had to be brave, for the sake of his own recovery and everybody else’s acceptance. It was a fear he had to conquer. Feeling his new vibrate in his pocket made him jump. It was a new feeling, but admittedly caused a bit of excitement, he knew that most of the sources of the vibrations were messages from Garrett. Distantly he wished he could see their old messages again, from his old phone, but it was unlikely to ever happen.

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] hey how’d your session go?_

_[To: Garrett / From: Fenris] ok_

He was still getting used to the keyboard.

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] that’s good! :D I have some exciting news_

_[To: Garrett / From: Fenris] ???_

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] I’m coming over in a few, bringing a friend I think you’ll wanna meet_

Fenris furrowed his eyebrows. Who could it possibly be? One of Garrett’s new friends? _Lover?_ He frowned. No, Sebastian had said something about him not keeping a partner. That shouldn’t have made his heart flutter the way it did. Who then? He supposed Garrett was not above introducing his dog as a friend. What happened to his dog anyway? With a decade passing, it was unlikely that his canine companion still lived. Garrett must’ve been heartbroken.

Sebastian returned from the kitchen shortly after the text message exchange.

“Garrett’s coming over. He said he is…bringing someone,” he said. Sebastian cocked an eyebrow. By his expression, he could easily judge that he knew nothing about this either. There was only one way to find out.

True to his word, there was a knock on the door about ten minutes later. That was a bit more than ‘a few’ but Fenris would forgive the exaggeration. Sebastian knew he was anxious to find out who this mystery person or animal alongside Garrett could be, but he insisted he waited on the sofa while he answered the door. He listened from the living room, making out Garrett’s distinct voice and then…a feminine one. It sounded oddly familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. However, he could definitely tell it was a girl. In all the time he had known Garrett, he had never showed much of an interest in girls. Surely it wasn’t _that_ kind of friend.

He wiggled around on the seat in anticipation. The footsteps were coming closer. The decisive moment was upon the horizon. Pushing the door wide open was Sebastian first. Then ducking under the door frame was Garrett. Finally, behind him was the source of the feminine voice.

As soon as he saw her face, aged over the past decade as it were, he recognised her. Those deep brown eyes were unmistakable. Her thick, dark hair was tied back into a bun although threatened to break the hair tie at any moment. She was wearing some kind of uniform, possibly related to the military or navy, but he was no expert. Regardless, it almost blended into her rich brown complexion.

When their eyes met, she grinned wide and took heavy strides towards him.

“Isabela?” he questioned. Why hadn’t he considered that this friend could be someone mutual from their past? It all made sense now. Though he had to admit, he couldn’t be happier to see her. Someone else who even after this decade of misery, hadn’t forgotten about him and hadn’t left him behind to move on. She was here and coming straight for him.

She chuckled upon hearing him say her name.

“The one and only sweetheart,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as some of you know, updating has been difficult in the current state of my laptop. i have opened up a ko-fi and am giving away chibi doodles for every single donation! this'll help speed up the process of buying a new laptop so i can write fics quicker! if you're interested, there's more info on my tumblr  
> [ right here ](http://the-tevinter-biscuit.tumblr.com/post/161352750531/want-a-cute-coloured-chibi)
> 
> thank you!!


	4. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabela is a big help in straightening things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its finally here!!! hurray. i had a lot of fun writing this actually, i love isabela ;-;
> 
> anyway, thanks to my beta Peach_Cherry as always! enjoy the chapter :D

Isabela swung her arms wide open as she approached, ready to embrace Fenris in the world’s largest hug. She had always been a touchy person, taking every opportunity for contact. Before she could capture him, Garrett put a hand on her shoulder to stop her and then whispered something in her ear. From where he sat, Fenris couldn’t quite make out what it was that he said.

“Can I give you a hug Fenris?” she asked suddenly, arms wilting slightly as she stood directly in front of him. He swallowed roughly. For what it was worth, he couldn’t think of any reasons why she should make him uncomfortable, so he nodded slowly.

With a tenderness he’d never seen from her, she sat beside him and pulled him into her arms. He found himself leaning his cheek on the side of her head and keeping a careful hand on her side. Her chest pressed flush against his, a feeling he had long forgotten about and it brought heat to his face when he noticed the detail. She sighed longingly, keeping him close for as long as she could before he started to slowly wiggle out of her grasp.

“I’m so glad you’re okay! You made me worry, you jerk,” she eventually said, holding his shoulders with her hands. He blinked wildly, startled by the abruptness of her words but eventually settled into a smile. It was nice for someone not to walk on eggshells around him, forever conscious of hurting his feelings or making him uncomfortable. However, that was one of the things he had always loved about Isabela. He was glad to see it hadn’t changed. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Sebastian or Garrett’s caution, it could just be a little overbearing at times.

When Sebastian offered their guests hot drinks, he disappeared into the kitchen to make them. Isabela and Garrett sat either side of Fenris, making small talk and chatting up. Apparently, it had been awhile since they had seen each other as well.

Isabela had joined the navy, she informed Fenris, and was enjoying life at sea. For as much as she adored it, it was always a relief to be back on land and at home. It had taken awhile for the news to hit her about Fenris’s release but she explained how as soon as she heard, she travelled home as quickly as she could so she could see him. Fenris’s cheeks flushed at her words. He hoped she had not put her job in jeopardy for his sake, although it was incredibly flattering to know she cared so much. It was something he had never expected.

Soon enough, Sebastian returned with two mugs for Garrett and Isabela. Fenris had refused a hot drink but his taste buds were starting to tingle at the smell of the hot chocolate Garrett was holding. There was no way he could ask Sebastian to go and make him a cup now. However as soon as he passed the mugs over, he disappeared back into the kitchen and returned with a third mug. It wasn’t filled as high as the others, clearly considering Fenris’s shaky hand.

“I know you didn’t ask for one but I thought you might like a cup,” Sebastian said, offering it to Fenris with a smile. Fenris carefully took the mug and nodded. Always a mind-reader. Even as a child, he always seemed to know what he wanted without ever having to ask for it. _A parent’s instinct,_ he would tell him. Sebastian turned his attention to Isabela. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“If you’ll have me,” she replied. Sebastian nodded, declaring that he was going to make a head-start on cooking and wandering back into the kitchen.

It was relaxing being between Garrett and Isabela, it felt right, like Fenris was back in high school. Nothing much had changed, the age showed in their faces but at their core they were both still the bumbling teenagers he had dearly cared for. It was hard to grasp that high school had been so long ago. Over a decade ago. His time in Danarius’s basement had felt like a different lifetime entirely. While he was here, on this sofa drinking hot chocolate, it felt like yesterday he was stressing over exams and finding comfort in his friends.

“You’re starting to look healthier,” Isabela commented during their conversation. “I’m glad! You looked so skinny before,”

Fenris’s eyebrows furrowed, squirming slightly where he sat. Most people around him had learned by now that appearance was a touchy subject. He’d had enough of doctors pressuring him about the importance of getting his weight back up. However, the most concerning part of her statement was…when had she seen him between now and a decade ago? There had been no pictures upon his release, he’d insisted on it, shying away from camera lenses. Especially so far away at sea, how could this be? He turned to look at Garrett, whose lips were pulled in tight. His face appeared more concerned than confused and Fenris’s heart began to race. Did they know something he didn’t? What happened?

“Before…?” he asked.

Isabela tilted her head slightly and said; “Yeah. Oh, I suppose you wouldn’t know about the whole video scandal—”

“Isabela.” Garrett’s voice sharply interrupted her. “That’s enough.”

His hand shook against the side of the mug of hot chocolate, Fenris quickly put it down on the coffee table before he spilt something. Compose yourself Fenris. Danarius’s video camera ever present in his mind, the shutter snapping and the lens tearing apart his dignity. He couldn’t let himself have another meltdown.

“What video scandal?” he asked, shocked that he didn’t stutter. For as nervous as he felt, his words were surprisingly confident. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Garrett making cutting motions across his throat at Isabela, signalling her not to say anything. Fenris dug his fingers into his palm and stared directly at Isabela.

“He has a right to know Garrett,” was all she said. Garrett made a scoffing noise from the back of his throat.

“It won’t make anything better,” he said.

“What! Tell me what?! Don’t talk about me like I’m not here!” Fenris yelled, breaking the bickering between the two of them.

There was silence amongst the three of them as they took in Fenris’s words and shifted their gazes to their floor, appearing somewhat ashamed of themselves. The volume of Fenris’s voice had alerted Sebastian in the kitchen and he hurried into the living room. Before he could speak, Fenris opened his mouth again.

“I…I am sick of you people hiding things from me! What else haven’t you told me?” he exclaimed.

Garrett moved to put a hand on his shoulder. “Fenris—”

“Don’t touch me!” he said, jerking away from Garrett’s touch and standing up. “I am sick of all of you!”

No one got a chance to get a word in before Fenris stormed past, disappearing up the stairs and into his room like a teenager throwing a tantrum. Everyone was left still, shocked by what had just taken place. Sebastian clenched his jaw, eyes darting over to Garrett as the likely suspect for Fenris’s upset.

“What happened?” he questioned.

“Isabela brought up the video,” Garrett explained, turning to look directly at her. “Which none of us wanted to tell him about. It’ll only upset him,”

Isabela rolled her eyes and stood up.

“I’ll go talk to him alright? It’s you two idiots who have been treating him like a child. Get over yourselves, by the way, I can see you glaring at one another,” she said. As she walked out of the room, ready to speak to Fenris, Sebastian and Garrett exchanged a glance.

In his bedroom, Fenris laid curled up on top of the bed. He hated the quiet but at this point, anywhere was better than being around the people currently in his house. How could they keep things from him like this? How many more things were there that they hadn’t told him? It wasn’t right, for them to know things about him that he didn’t know himself. He took slow, steady breaths in and out as his therapist had advised. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Simple.

The knocking on his door made him flinch. He curled tighter into his ball, wondering whether he should yell at the person to go away or simply ignore them. Perhaps they would think he wasn’t in here if he just disregarded them. Then they would leave him alone. Someone knocked again. He didn’t answer.

“Fenris, it’s me, Isabela. I’m going to come in okay? I just want to talk to you,” Isabela’s voice emanated through the wood. After her words, she opened the door and stepped inside.

Of all people it could have been, Fenris was somewhat glad it was only Isabela. She had been the one who didn’t want to hide things from him after all. If anything, he could probably get some answers from her unless Garrett and Sebastian had convinced her otherwise. He peeked out from his ball and met her gaze. She shut the door behind her and sat down slowly on the bed but didn’t move to touch him or coax him out of his protective bubble.

“I’m sorry those two are such jerks. They didn’t even want me to talk to you about this but I think you have a right to know. I don’t know how to tell you this, I’m not good at this kinda stuff. Don’t freak out,” she began. Fenris didn’t answer her but listened intently. “They thought you were dead you know? After 7 years they declare you dead. There was a funeral and everything. We were embarrassingly broken up about it, all thought you were gone,”

Fenris shuffled out of his ball, moving to sit up right on the bed. It was a weird thought, that he had been presumed dead for so long. People had mourned him, lowered an empty casket into a grave. They had wept for him. All whilst he sat alone in a basement. He swallowed down a lump in his throat and waited for Isabela to continue her story.

“But a couple months after your funeral, there was…sketchy evidence of you being alive. A video uploaded on some dodgy site or somethin’, I dunno how it started. I just know that they couldn’t trace the IP and it got spread fast. The whole thing was _sick,_ Fenris, _disgusting._ The things people said about you,” she continued, shaking her head. Fenris knew the video couldn’t have been anything good and he swallowed back the bile. “Your face wasn’t in it but we knew it was you from the…from your skin,” she gestured to him. “It was sexual in nature. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the specifics. But it was everywhere. I couldn’t watch it and I doubt anyone who cares for you did. But it was hard not to see…screenshots from it and descriptions of…I’m really glad that vile bastard is dead,”

It was a lot to take in. Humiliation burned in his cheeks. The video being released on its own was bad enough but to know so many people had seen it? It was a fate worse than death. How could he ever show his face outside knowing so many people had seen him debauched like that? He could hardly believe it, running his fingers through his hair and tugging on it as he buried his face in his knees. It made him want to cry, eyes bubbling up with tears.

“I’m…so sorry Fenris. Shit. I’d like to hug you again; can I do that?” Isabela offered. Fenris sniffled, rubbing at his eyes and eventually he agreed.

Isabela pulled her legs up onto the bed, shuffling over to him and wrapping her arms around him. It wasn’t enthusiastic like the first time, not raring with energy and adoration. The embrace had a sombre feeling, silent and bearing a warmth he hadn’t realised he needed so much. It was nothing like Sebastian’s fatherly hugs, or the semi-awkward feeling associated with Garrett’s due to lost love and confusion as to where they stood in their relationship.

Before he could stop it, the tears began rolling down his cheeks. Fenris buried his face in her shoulder, letting her stroke his hair and soothe him. He knew Isabela wasn’t good at handling emotions, but if anything was proof of how she had matured over the years, it was this. She did not tell him not to cry or try and shush him like a baby. He was sure she would have when she was a teenager.

They lay there for a while, in the quiet, until Fenris finally began to calm down. The sobbing and tears melted into small sniffles but even though he had finished crying, he didn’t want to let go of her. He felt safe for once, and though it would not last much longer, he wanted to bask in the feeling all he could. Pulling his face away slightly, he frowned at the damp spot on her shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he suddenly croaked. Isabela looked down at him, eyes narrowed and lips pursed.

“Sorry?” she repeated, then chuckled whilst shaking her head. “You have nothing to be sorry for sweet thing,”

Fenris pulled away from her slowly, drifting out of her embrace. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and straightened himself out. There was no way he didn’t look like a mess, mussed hair and puffy eyes from the tears.

“I got your shirt wet…” he mumbled. Isabela’s eyes flickered down to the spot in which he had rested his face and examined the wet spot left behind. He wondered if she would be angry, this was a professional outfit after all. What would she do? Take back everything nice she said? Hit him? Yell at him?

But she laughed. Of course. He was stupid to think anything like that.

“That doesn’t matter. Come here, you don’t have anything to worry about,” she said, smiling. Fenris stared at her before shuffling back closer to her. She reached her hands towards his face but did not make contact until he nodded at her. With his approval, she rested them on each cheek and leant forward to press a kiss to his forehead. He could feel his heart hammer in his chest at the feel of something sticky left behind. When she began to giggle again, he reached up and wiped at the spot where she kissed him and looked down at his hand. It was covered in smudged red lipstick and a blush rose in his cheeks.

As ridiculous as he knew he looked with lipstick all over his face, there was something comforting about it. He knew she was trying her hardest to make him feel like nothing had changed. However, everyone had the same glimmer in their eyes. Pity. They felt sorry for him. Even Isabela looked at him in that way when she thought he wouldn’t notice. Although, he did commend her efforts to try not to make him feel bad. She was one step closer to normality than everyone else.

“Thank you...’Bela. Really. I thought…I thought everyone had given up on me. That you all had moved on, made new lives,” Fenris admitted. When their eyes met, Isabela had this sincerity about her expression he had never seen before. “I missed you,”

Isabela acted like such a prideful person, even as a child. Throughout the entire time they had known each other, Fenris had hardly ever seen her cry. She always had such a brave face, through hardships she had a grin on her face. It was something he had always admired, that it took so much to break her. He knew by the time they were teenagers, she genuinely cared for him. That she would not shield anything from him. Yet it still took so much before anything would get through her.

But, right now, she was gazing at him with her emotions raw and real, like an open book.

“If you make me ruin my eye makeup I swear, I’ll never forgive you Fenris,” she joked, reaching up to dab at the liquid building in her eyes with her fingers. It was Fenris’s turn to slowly move towards her and embrace her.

Once she has cleaned up and the two had parted, they came to a collective decision that they should probably return downstairs before the two “idiots” (as Isabela has called them) worried too much. The smell of dinner was beginning to waft up the stairs and the sound of Isabela’s stomach rumbling was enough to make both of them chuckle. She led him down the stairs and back into the living room where Garrett was tapping his foot anxiously on the floor. At the creak of the door, his head snapped up to look at them and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Fenris, I’m so sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to I just…I thought it would upset you. Are you okay? Are you…” Garrett trailed off mid-sentence as he rose to his feet.

“I told him everything. He deserves to know,” Isabela said, putting a hand on her hip. She sighed at Garrett’s panicked expression. “Honestly, I’m always fixing everything. Sort your own problems out for once Garrett. I want to talk to you later but first, I want to eat. Is dinner almost ready?”

 

Dinner was awkward. There was a pitiful attempt at small talk being made between the gaps of silence except for the clinking of cutlery against plates. Sebastian and Garrett kept sparing glances at Fenris, who did not look back at them and instead ate in silence. Isabela was just happy for the free meal.

After the meal, Fenris offered to help clean the dishes. Sebastian was about to protest but Isabela shot him a dangerous look, and so he agreed and the two of them carried everything into the kitchen for cleaning. Garrett was dragged out onto the patio by Isabela, mind racing with all the things she could possibly want to discuss. The most likely option was that it concerned Fenris and what he and Isabela had talked about upstairs.

At first, she didn’t say anything, just simply sat down on the porch and dug into her pocket. He was surprised to see her pull out a pack of cigarettes. Never once in the entire time he’d known Isabela, had he seen her smoke.

“Cigarette?” she offered one towards him. He cautiously reached out and took one from the pack, eyeing her carefully. “I know you started since Fenris went missing,”

“I didn’t think you smoked,” he said, taking the lighter that she then provided and lighting the cigarette.

She laughed and said; “I don’t but Merrill does. I always pick up a spare pack and lighter for her before I go home.”

“You haven’t even been home to see your wife yet?” Garrett asked, taking a drag and leaning against one of the outside walls. Isabela’s chuckling came to an abrupt stop and she looked down at the pack of cigarettes in her hand before tucking it safely back into her pocket.

“She understands. Knows Fenris and I were close in high school and his return is a big deal. She wants to come and see him too sometime, but she wants to come with me because I know she and Fenris weren’t exactly…close. But she cares,” she explained.

Garrett nodded. It didn’t surprise him. Merrill was a sweet girl but she had _interesting_ ideals, ones Fenris didn’t particularly agree when they were younger. It had felt strange going to Isabela’s wedding without Fenris there. There was nothing anyone could do about it, but it just didn’t feel right. It had only been a small beach wedding, close friends and family invited. The flower bouquet had landed at Garrett’s feet. Isabela had joked that maybe they meant he would be finding a keeper soon. After all, none of his relationships since high school had lasted more than a week.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about? I assume that’s why you dragged me out here,” Garrett mentioned.

Isabela drew her gaze away from the sky and directed it towards Garrett.

“I’ve come to save the day that’s what,” she said, resting her elbow on her lap so she could lean on her hand. “Never underestimate friendship, you and Fenris may have been gushing all over each other in high school but I was still one of his best friends. And look, I know you have some stupid fear of messing this up because of everything that happened. But Fenris will resent you for it big guy. You and Sebastian really need to work something out because the only thing you two idiots are doing is making things worse. I can’t believe I’m having to tell you to _talk_ to Fenris. Honestly! You’d think you’d learn after that time I had to lock you both in my bathroom,”

There had been momentary panic between the two of them when their friendship had first delved into the romantic field. Fenris had fled out of nervousness and ended up straight at Isabela’s door, not too long after that Garrett followed. Her solution had been to lock them both in her bathroom until they talked out whatever it was that was bothering them. It had worked, surprisingly, and their relationship had been smooth sailing from then on.

“It’s not that easy,” Garrett said, recalling the memory. He flicked some of the ash from his cigarette onto the ground and pulled it back to his lips for another drag. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Isabela rolling her eyes at him.

“Of course, it’s that easy! You just don’t want to see it. You’re a good guy Garrett, don’t ruin this,” she replied.

A good guy huh? Garrett wondered whether she could hear what she was saying. His moral alignment didn’t really matter at this point. The truth was if he hadn’t left that table at the bar, Fenris would have never been taken. He would have never drowned in himself in alcohol, cigarettes, and one-night stands until the numbness washed over him. While he was doing those things, Fenris had been out there somewhere. Alone, afraid, at the mercy of that sick bastard who tore him from the inside out. No matter how much he had searched, he never found him. Sebastian, his father, mourned his child because of him. If only he could have done something differently.

“You’re beating yourself up over stuff that doesn’t even matter anymore. Bad shit happened. It sucks. But what’s important is Fenris is home now, right? And you should listen to him and what he needs. And what he needs right now is for you to be there for him. Talk to him,” Isabela continued.

Maybe she was right. Garrett took the final drag of his cigarette and put it out on the wall before flicking it to the floor. He didn’t think it would be easy to forgive himself for what happened but perhaps, it didn’t matter if he didn’t. So long as Fenris had what he needed. That was what he cared about.

Fenris.

“You think he’ll want to talk to me?” he asked. Isabela shrugged her shoulders, standing up and brushing off the dust from her lap.

“I don’t know about today, I’m not a mind-reader. Eventually, yes. All I can tell you is I think you both have a lot to catch up on,” she said, walking back inside the house.

Garrett was now left alone to his thoughts. The taste of nicotine in his mouth reminded him why he had wanted to quit smoking. However, he had to admit he felt much less tense than he had before the cigarette. Easing him up for the conversation huh? Isabela knew what she was doing. Perhaps Sebastian had a breath mint he could take. He was getting on a bit in age, right? Carrying mints was totally an old people thing. Although, there was probably no use in disguising his smoking habit from Fenris. After all, he told himself that he was going to open up to him.

He spent a few moments longer in the open air to prepare himself. Where would he even begin? Fenris had been bombarded with more information than he probably knew what to do with today already. Was it truly a good idea to go in there and give him more? No, the more he thought like that, the more he wouldn’t want to do it. The whole purpose of this was to stop hiding things from him. Everything was going to be out on the table.

Relaxed and ready, Garrett walked back inside the house to find Fenris. He was still in the kitchen with Sebastian, putting away dishes. The two of them were talking so he decided to stop and listen to the conversation.

“Do you need me to—”

“It’s just dishes dad, I can do this,” Fenris was firm in his words. He opened a cupboard to put the plate he was holding back in its rightful place.

From an outside perspective, Sebastian did look overbearing. He focused more on hovering around Fenris like a mother hen around its chicks than actually washing and drying the dishes. Is that what he looked like when he was taking care of Fenris? It was likely that he did and it made his stomach churn. No wonder Fenris had always been on the edge of upset when he was around him. If there was anything he knew about Fenris, it was that he didn’t like feeling helpless.

“I just want to help you Fenris,” Sebastian said, staring at Fenris like a kicked puppy. However, Fenris wasn’t buying it. He strolled past him and picked up the next plate, ignoring him completely. Sebastian sighed. “I’m sorry,”

Fenris whipped his head around to look at him; “You don’t have to apologise. I just…I can do this. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sebastian gave in quickly, not wanting to upset Fenris.

It was painful to watch. He knew Sebastian was perhaps well-intentioned, just as he was, but it was only having adverse effects on Fenris. It seemed a little ridiculous that it had been Isabela of all people, who had lifted the wool from over his eyes. Now he had been told, he was seeing it for what it was.

Fenris and Sebastian made quick work of the rest of the dishes.

“You did a good job,” Sebastian said as Fenris moved to leave the kitchen. The words made him stop in his tracks. Garrett expected him to say something. But, he didn’t. He just made a grunt in recognition that he had heard him and walked straight out of the kitchen.

Garrett followed him out of the kitchen, hoping he wasn’t in too much of a bad mood from the whole dishes debacle to have a serious conversation with him. Surprisingly, Fenris agreed to go sit out in the garden with him. It was out of the way of anyone in the house and since it was in the back and guarded by fencing, there wasn’t any way that anyone would catch them. The media was incredibly disrespectful to a man who had been through a decade’s worth of trauma.

Together, they managed to dig out the lawn chairs and set them up in the grass. Garrett did not specify why he had asked him outside, but Fenris tagged along anyway. When he looked at him, he could tell there was a lot racing through Fenris’s mind.

“I think it’s time we talked,” he said. Fenris turned to look at him. “About…everything. I’m going to tell you everything,”


	5. In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrett recalls what it was like losing Fenris and how he spent the 10 years without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhh sorry for the wait! this chapter is slightly longer than the others so hopefully that makes up for the month wait haha
> 
> this entire chapter is a flashback, as you might have guessed. as always thanks to my beta Peach_Cherry for being cool
> 
> Enjoy!

The glass on the table was empty but upon inspecting the bottle, it still had at least three quarters of its contents swishing around inside it. He couldn’t have gone far, Garrett concluded, sitting down at the table. Probably the bathroom. He’d wait.

Keran hadn’t been too thrilled to see him. Perhaps they had been friends once but it seemed they were no longer. He tutted, well, he didn’t need people like that in his life anyway. Looking down, he noticed his own empty glass. Should he get another drink? With the amount that was still in Fenris’s wine bottle, it seemed like they’d be here awhile longer. Ah well, maybe he’d just pinch a glass from his wine and help him along. He could curse him for it later.

After pouring out the wine into Fenris’s empty glass, he took a sip from it. Wine was far from his favourite thing to drink, but Fenris usually got the good stuff. Garrett drummed his fingers on the table and checked his phone for new notifications. After ten minutes had passed, something was definitely wrong. Nobody took that long in the bathroom. Sighing, he got up and decided he was going to go check and see if he was okay. Fenris wasn’t exactly a lightweight, it seemed unlikely that he’d made himself sick already.

Garrett pushed open the door to the restroom and looked around. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, all stall doors slightly ajar suggesting they weren’t being used. It was silent all around except for the muffled chatter and music coming from outside.

“Fenris?” he called out anyway, just to check. However, he got no answer. Something was strange indeed, where had he run off to?

Promptly after, he left the bathroom and used his height to his advantage to see over the top of most of the crowd. Fenris’s white hair was very distinctive and made him easy to spot. It was too dark however, he couldn’t see him anywhere. Garrett sat back down at the booth and took another sip of the wine. He’d text him then.

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] hey where did u go lol_

He waited a few minutes for a response. Nothing. He stared at his phone screen, hoping to see the little dots appear signalling him that he was typing. Yet, still nothing.

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] ????_

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] Fenris?_

Another sip of wine as he waited for a couple more minutes. Still no response from Fenris. He knew he hadn’t put it on silent because he had checked his phone to get the text from his dad earlier. With a deep breath, he realised he was going to have to call him. He hated calling people when he could just text them. At least it was Fenris. He dialled Fenris’s number and waited for a reply.

Ringing.

“ _Hi you’ve reached Fenris’s voicemail. I can’t pick up the phone right now so leave a message.”_

There was a brief flutter of hope at the sound of his voice but it quickly became apparent he wasn’t actually on the other end of the line. Fuck.

Come on Fenris, pick up the phone already. Garrett tried again, just in case.

“ _Hi you’ve reached Fenris’s voicemail. I can’t pick up the phone right now so leave a message.”_

Over and over and over. He was growing tired of the same response every time. Maybe his phone was dead. However that still didn’t answer the question of where Fenris was and why he had been gone for so long. His mind raced through all of the possibilities. There was a chance he had gone home, he supposed. The Hanged Man was in walking distance of both of their homes, which was why they could both drink. However, it seemed strange that he would leave without telling him even if his phone was dead. That and there was the bottle of wine he hadn’t finished drinking. Fenris loved red wine.

_[To: Fen’s Dad / From: Garrett] did Fenris come home?_

Had something happened? No, Garrett, you can’t think of the worst-case scenarios. He took a big gulp from the wine glass and waited for a response. As soon as his phone vibrated against the wood, he snatched it up and checked his messages.

_[To: Garrett / From: Fen’s Dad] No, why?_

Shit. What did he tell him? There was no doubt Mr. Vael, or… _Sebastian_ as he so insisted he called him, would freak out if he found out that Fenris was missing. He had put his trust in him to take care of his son and if anything had happened he was so screwed! As he pondered over how to reply to the text message, his phone vibrated in his hands again.

_[To: Garrett / From: Fen’s Dad] Garrett, what happened?_

Sebastian never double texted. Garrett could tell he was already starting to freak out by his message. The only reason he had Sebastian’s number in the first place was in case they needed to be in touch in the event anything happened to Fenris or something along those lines. Their message history was fairly barren because of this. Sebastian must know that he would text him if something was wrong.

_[To: Fen’s Dad / From: Garrett] he’s wandered off…don’t worry ill find him_

That’ll do for now.

Garrett tried calling Fenris’s phone one last time but at the sound of the voicemail message again, he hung up. What was he going to do? Fenris couldn’t have gone far. Garrett reached for the wine glass and downed the rest of its contents. As soon as he stood up, he could feel the effects of the alcohol in his system, making him sway a little. He ignored it and tried to clear his head, he had more important things to worry about right now.

He went searching through the crowds of people in the bar, looking for any identifiable patch of blindingly white hair. No such luck. Anxiety was beginning to pump through his veins. A walk maybe? Did he go for a walk, some fresh air? Drink his glass of wine too fast? On his way to the exit, he stopped and looked over at the bartender. Auburn hair and scratchy stubble, he seemed to be keeping an eye on the people in the bar in case they caused a ruckus.

“Excuse me,” Garrett said, making his way to the bar and drawing the attention of the bartender. “Do you know if a man left here? He’s got white hair, grey sweatshirt, black skinny jeans. Sort of short, about this high.”

The bartender watched him make hand gestures against the top of his chest.

“Not that I’ve seen,” he replied. Garrett cursed.

“I saw him,” a woman sat at the bar spoke up, thin fingers tightly wound around her glass. Garrett snapped his head towards her. She took a long sip from her cocktail and every second felt like agony as he waited for her to continue. “He left with an older gentleman about half an hour ago.”

His mind circled through all the possibilities. Who could he have left with? As far as he knew, Fenris didn’t know any older men. In fact, all his friends were mutual friends of his. Unless it was some family member he didn’t know about. Right? What interest would some random older man have with Fenris? Garrett swallowed the lump in his throat.

“What did he look like? The older guy,” Garrett asked the woman.

“I dunno, I didn’t really see his face. Probably old though, grey hair,” she answered, flipping a wave of dark hair behind her shoulder and staring at him with piercing blue eyes.

Garrett felt his nails dig into his palms. Something weird was going on and he needed to find out what had happened quickly. Screw the half full bottle of wine that sat at their booth. He would buy Fenris a new one once he knew he was safe and sound. He thanked the woman for her help and made his way out of the front door. The cool air of the night awakened his senses, drawing him out of his drunken haze. He looked around the car park and walked up and down the street in search of him.

The panic was catching up with him. Shakily, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to see his screen bombarded with text messages from Sebastian. He swiped to ignore them and tried calling Fenris again. He had to pick up. Please pick up. Voicemail again.

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] Fenris where r u_

_[To: Fenris / From: Garrett] pls txt back_

He stood out in the middle of the street, staring at his phone held in shaking hands. After a moment, he decided to check the messages from Sebastian. Most of them had some variation of “Is everything okay?” and “How is Fenris?” followed by a couple asking him to reply. He couldn’t do this over the phone, he had to go to his house and speak to him. If he couldn’t find Fenris, he had to let his dad know. Clearly, the man was worried sick. Perhaps he’d see Fenris on the way, maybe he was just walking home.

Blind optimism. He hurried back to Fenris’s house and knocked on the door. Sweat was gathering on his palms and he couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or the worry. There had been no sign of Fenris on the route he took to his house. The lock on the other side of the door jingled and the door swung open. Sebastian stood on the other side, eyebrows furrowed and jaw clenched.

“Fenris isn’t with you?” he asked. Garrett shook his head.

“Can I come in?” he said and noticed that his words were just as shaky as his body. Sebastian hesitated but nodded, opening the door wide enough for him to come inside. Garrett stepped in through the front door and headed for the kitchen. He knew his way around Fenris’s home after coming so many times. After all, Fenris and Sebastian had lived in the same house since he and Fenris were children. He paraded through his house like he lived there.

Sebastian shut the front door behind him and followed him into the kitchen. Garrett grabbed a glass and poured himself some water. He needed to sober himself up a little, in order to prepare himself for this conversation he was about to have. Sebastian’s eyes followed him as he took a large gulp of water and sighed.

“I don’t know where he is,” he admitted.

“ _What?_ ” Sebastian’s voice was laced with fury, eyes narrowed. Garrett expected this. What kind of parent wouldn’t be angry about this? He took another sip of the water in trembling hands. “Garrett, what happened?”

Where did he begin? He briefly considered buttering up the story to take some of the blame off himself but that wouldn’t help them in the long run. The truth would do just fine.

“We were sat in a booth the far side of the bar. I saw a friend from high school and told Fenris I was gonna go speak to him, said he could come if he wanted but he said he wanted to stay where he was. When I came back he was gone. He wasn’t drunk, he’d only had one glass of wine from the bottle he ordered. I checked the bathroom and I called him four times. Text him. I couldn’t get through. I checked outside and even asked the bartender if he’d seen him. But there was one woman at the bar who said she saw him and said he…” he trailed off.

“Said what?” Sebastian pressed for answers.

Garrett took a long, deep breath and spoke: “Said he left with an older man. Grey hair she said, but didn’t see his face. I don’t know anyone like that. Is…Does Fenris have older family members or...?”

 “No,” Sebastian replied.

There was a pregnant silence in the room as Garrett finished the glass of water and set it aside on the countertop beside the sink. Both of them were at a loss of what to do, unprepared for this situation. That was until Sebastian suddenly turned on his heels and left the room. Garrett watched him as he grabbed a coat and some shoes, putting them on hastily. He grabbed his car keys from the pot next to the door and turned around to look at Garrett from the hallway.

“I’m going to look for him, are you coming?” he asked. Garrett blinked wildly.

“Of course,” he said and hurried out the door with him.

The two of them drove around the neighbourhood, looking out the windows for any sign of him. Something to let them know where Fenris was. They were struggling to come up with ideas as to where he could have gone, going as far as to drive down to Isabela’s house and see if he was there. Upon hearing that Fenris was missing, she insisted on getting in the car as well. Three pairs of eyes would be better than two, she told them. Occasionally they would stop when there were streets they couldn’t access, Sebastian would pull over while Garrett and Isabela got out the car and investigated. Each time they returned empty handed.

“I can’t believe you left him on his own like that,” Sebastian said, anxiously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Guilt surged up in Garrett’s chest. He knew if he hadn’t left to speak to Keran, this might not have happened and they wouldn’t be driving around looking for Fenris. If he could do things differently, he would never have left him. It was too late now. He had made a promise to Sebastian, to keep him safe. It was understandable that Sebastian was angry with him.

“I-I’m sorry. He…He’s 18, I shouldn’t have to baby him. I didn’t know, I…how could I?” Garrett stumbled over his words.

Eventually they pulled back into the driveway of Sebastian’s house. The only thing they could do now was file a missing person report. Isabela googled the number to call and Sebastian eventually got connected to speak to someone.

Isabela and Garrett sat in the living room, hearing Sebastian talking to the operator on the phone from the hallway. They could hear the man’s voice growing in volume as he protested the idea that Fenris was unhappy at home and would likely run away. The two of them shifted on the sofa impatiently as they waited for him to finish on the phone and get some answers.

The police arrived shortly after the phone call, perusing Fenris’s room to take DNA samples before turning to Sebastian and asking for a photograph. Sebastian paused, reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out his wallet. From inside, he slipped out a small photograph. He stared at it for a moment, clearly reluctant to part with it. It was a pocket-sized photograph of Fenris, looking off to the side with a whipped ice-cream in his hands and a smile on his face. He didn’t notice the camera, clearly focused on something else. Reluctantly, he handed it over the policeman stood in front of him with shaky hands. He looked back down at his wallet, tugging out a different photo of Fenris as a child, hair dark and missing teeth in his grin. At least, he could keep this one. He tucked it back in his wallet.

“We’ll make a copy and you can have this back soon,” the policeman told him. Sebastian nodded, hoping he wouldn’t have to part with the precious photo for too long. However, it was also incredibly important that he got the real thing back. That mattered more than a simple photograph.

“Thank you for your help,” Sebastian replied.

A few more phone calls to Fenris’s phone were made in the presence of the police, notes taken from both Sebastian and Garrett before they left to assess what they had on the case. The policeman with the photograph assured them both that they would do everything they could to find him but Sebastian could tell they had suspicions about the circumstances of the case. At age 18, Fenris was at an interesting age to be taken – the skittish, immature fluidity of a teenager but too old for someone likely to target the type.

They had one lead at least. The grey-haired man seen leaving with Fenris by that woman at the bar. He had to be on the CCTV footage somewhere. The sooner they did, the sooner they would be able to find Fenris.

 

Sebastian alongside Garrett and many other school friends (Isabela, Varric, Merrill) stapled missing posters around the town. It was odd to see Fenris’s face plastered around the streets. They had listed key details about Fenris’s appearance and what he had been wearing at the time of the disappearance, alongside a phone number to call at the bottom of the page. Sebastian had already made a public appeal for Fenris’s safety, wanting nothing more than his little boy to be back home safe. He handed some of the posters to members of the public walking by. Some showed sympathy for his loss and others seemed indifferent but took the poster out of politeness anyway, even if they were going to throw it out as soon as they were out of sight. Occasionally, someone would talk to him about his disappearance.

He was suspicious of every grey-haired man that passed, thinking of them as a possible suspect. One man that Sebastian had stopped and handed a poster, purposefully put down his two bags of shopping just to take the sheet of paper. One contained food and the other contained some sort of clothing. Sebastian bristled at the sight of the older gentleman, his grey hair tied back into a ponytail, but upon making eye-contact, he recognised him as the man who had ushered other members of staff at the hospital to see to Fenris’s broken leg when he was a preteen.

“Oh Fenris,” he said with a frown. “I’m so sorry to hear about this, he was a lovely boy. You must be devastated,”

From what he could remember about the doctor, he had been very helpful and polite. It had perhaps just been a lucky coincidence that they had been the ones in his path, to get the special treatment and get Fenris seen to by a health professional.

“Very,” Sebastian said.

“I hope you find him soon. I’ll keep a look out as well,” the man told him. Sebastian nodded and thanked him for his kindness. The man put the poster in one of the shopping bags and picked them both back up. He wished him luck and departed.

Garrett watched as it took place but was drawn away by his phone ringing. At the sound of his ringtone, there was a brief flutter of excitement that it might be Fenris and he was safe. But the caller ID showed it was just the police. Maybe he had been found! But upon answering the phone, it turned out they just wanted him for more questioning. He agreed but something didn’t feel right. They had already asked him about everything that happened and he had answered honestly.

He handed the rest of his posters to Isabela, going to find Sebastian to tell him he had to go in to the police station regarding Fenris. Sebastian dryly thanked him for his help and let him go.

 

“You’re treating me like a _suspect?_ ”

“We have to investigate everyone, Mr. Hawke. You were the last person to see Fenris before he disappeared. We found no trace of the woman at the bar who told you she saw him leave with an older man and there is no sign of said suspect on the CCTV footage. If you have nothing to hide, you should have no problem with taking a lie detector test.”

This was ridiculous! Why would he, of all people, want to hurt Fenris? He loved him, dearly. They had been friends since they were small children. There was no one he better considered his best friend, he’d never want anything bad to happen to him. In fact, he had promised Sebastian that nothing would. Did this mean they had no strong leads to go on? What would that mean for the case? Targeting someone like him seemed like a desperate move.

“I’ll take the test,” he eventually said, containing his anger but unable to stop his flared nostrils and shaking fists. He had to take this as an opportunity to clear his name, prove that he wasn’t a suspect in this case and merely grieving just as everyone else was.

“Thank you,” the policewoman seemed grateful for his co-operativity. Soon enough, he was escorted into a separate room.

 

The days dragged on by and there was no further leads on Fenris’s location. It was like he had disappeared off the face of the planet. No one knew where he was or what he was doing. His social media pages remained barren of new posts and eventually his phone inbox was too full for any more voicemails. He could tell the police still held him as the strongest suspect, even though he passed his lie detector tests and they had no solid evidence to prove he had anything to do with it. However, he knew it was mostly just because he and Fenris were close and he was the last person to see him before he went missing. Even Sebastian began to suspect him when they couldn’t drag up any further leads. The police were hitting a wall.

Garrett laid on his bed, he’d already taken too much time off his education but couldn’t bear to walk in when Fenris wasn’t by his side. It was painful to watch the world keep turning without him, that life went on like nothing had changed. He stared at the flicker of his television screen in the darkness with his curtains shut. Sebastian had all the media attention right now being the father of Fenris. Whenever he saw him, he looked tired and miserable, making public pleas for the safe return of his son.

As the topic shifted, Garrett reached for the remote and turned off the television. He only cared about Fenris. What he wouldn’t give to embrace him one last time, hold him tight in his arms and never let him go. He swore to himself that he’d never let Fenris out of his sight again if only he had one more chance to have him again. Fenris could be anywhere right now. Lost, kidnapped, _dead._ Quickly, he shook the thought out of his head. Deep down he knew there was a high possibility that Fenris was already dead and buried in a ditch somewhere but he didn’t want to consider it. Sebastian hadn’t given up hope for his survival yet and he wouldn’t either.

He fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled to his contacts. His thumb hovered over Fenris’s name which was followed by a couple heart emojis. He just wanted to hear his voice again, that deep rumble that always made his heart race. Swallowing roughly with the anticipation, Garrett selected to call him and set his phone to loud speaker. There was always a brief moment of hope that Fenris would really pick up, telling them that he was alive and well and everything had been one big misunderstanding. The phone rang and rang and rang.

“Hi you’ve reached Fenris’s voicemail. I can’t pick up the phone right now so leave a message.”

Then followed the typical robotic message that his inbox was full. Garrett stared at his phone, drinking in the sound of Fenris’s voice. It was pathetic, wasn’t it? He knew there were plenty of photographs of him and Fenris stored in the gallery on his phone but he struggled to look at them without there being a severe ache in his chest. All he wanted was to know he was safe. He’d give anything just for that.

Then he rang him a second time just to hear the voicemail again. Then a third, a fourth, a fifth.

Please Fenris, come back.

Eventually, he’d managed to push himself to go back to school. He’d have exams in a few months that he couldn’t afford to miss. Garrett didn’t know how he was supposed to study with everything that had been going on but he supposed he’d have to try no matter what. The first thing he noticed upon the first real time he’d looked at himself since Fenris’s disappearance was that he’d put on weight. Once they’d hit a dead end of handing out flyers to everyone they possibly could and the investigation was far out of his hands, Garrett had found himself cooped up in his bedroom eating and hardly moving. It wasn’t a shock, he supposed, but he did fear the reactions of other people if they noticed the change.

No matter how much it hurt him to see everyone at school getting on with their own lives like nothing had changed, the sympathetic looks he got were worse. Fenris’s disappearance had hit everyone in their little circle hard and it was reasonable to assume that suffering the most right now was Sebastian, his father. Second to him, people looked to Garrett. He hated the way people felt sorry for his loss, like Fenris was _dead_ or something. They didn’t know that! No one did! Even classmates he had barely spoken to before seemed to want to chat to him, sorely mourning his bubbly personality. Garrett forced a smile just to please them, so they would stop worrying about him. But arguably, it only hurt his friends more.

Time kept on moving. His exams came and went and he was sure he flopped them. There was no way he could concentrate. _Fenris should be here,_ he thought, _he should be sat in the exam hall taking his own exams, ready to prepare for his bright future._

Graduation didn’t feel right. Fenris had been missing for 5 months now and it felt wrong to celebrate without him. With his friends, they went out for ice-cream and every time he laughed at a joke or cracked a smile at the group’s antics, he could feel a hard throbbing in his throat. Although there was some degree of normalcy to their situation now, it still felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing.

Before they parted ways, Isabela grabbed Garrett’s arm and stopped him in his tracks. He knew that she was taking Fenris’s disappearance fairly hard too. She was his best friend after all. But Isabela was much better at putting on a brave face than him, better at moving on with her life and accepting things. At least, she seemed to be.

“How are you holding up big guy?” she asked him, her hand slowly slipping away from him. Garrett sighed, rubbing his temples. How _was_ he? He didn’t really know, it was a hard question. “This…isn’t really how I pictured our graduation either you know.”

There was a strange comfort in the fact that Isabela felt like something was wrong. Her smiles and laughter always felt genuine, he would have never guessed that she was hurting with everything that had happened in the last 5 months.

“None of this feels right. It shouldn’t _be_ like this Isabela! He should be here with us, celebrating, he should…Fenris should…” Garrett’s words trailed off at the raw mention of Fenris’s name. How long had it been since he’d actually outright said his name? When he did, even Isabela winced a little. It hurt, like rubbing salt into an open wound. Isabela fell silent, eyes drifting down to the floor and she shuffled on her feet.

“I know,” she said quietly.

 

Fenris’s birthday quickly became the worst day of the year alongside the anniversary of his disappearance. There was a hollow feeling in Garrett’s chest like the day just wasn’t quite complete. Fenris’s Facebook page was flooded with birthday messages from people who would’ve never left them before he went missing. It was sickening to see the way people who had bullied him in high school now left cheesy heartfelt messages about how it wasn’t the same without him and they wished for his safe return. It was all so _fake,_ they just wanted to seem like good people. They didn’t really care about Fenris. In fact, the way they talked about him it was like he was dead. Garrett didn’t want to give up hope just yet. Following the crowd, he left a message on Fenris’s Facebook.

Meanwhile, Sebastian also suffered during this day. It was hard living in this house all on his own. Everything was always too quiet, too lonely, without Fenris’s presence. The first time Fenris’s birthday rolled around he didn’t know what to do with himself. Usually this day would be spent baking Fenris a cake, taking him out to eat and celebrating with a couple of his friends. But now the day was as empty as any other.

With a heavy heart and shaking hands he managed to whip up a batch of cupcakes. Fenris loved sweet food. Once iced and decorated, Sebastian carefully placed a single candle in the top. He put it down in front of the picture that had been taken on Fenris’s 18th birthday and stared for a while. After a deep breath, he sat before the photo and cake, then put his hands together in prayer. He prayed that if there was a God out there, that he would want Fenris to come home. He prayed for the safe return of his little boy, his life, his world. Nothing he had done warranted this, that there was no reason to subject his son to any pain or suffering.

It became difficult to get his words out towards the end of the prayer, voice trembling and stuttering. He told himself he wasn’t going to cry. Fenris wouldn’t want him to cry over him. But it hurt. Looking at Fenris’s face in that photograph, smiling as he enjoyed himself, just felt like a stab to the gut. He had a firm belief that he was still alive out there somewhere, and he hoped distantly that he knew it was his birthday and he was celebrating it.

“Happy 19th birthday Fenris,” Sebastian said quietly once he finished his prayer. Then the floods came and he couldn’t stop them.

 

As the years passed, people quickly began to forget about Fenris. Sebastian hammered on at the police to keep trying to find them but they were growing increasingly harder to convince it was worth it. They had no leads, nowhere to go. He begged them to try harder but they couldn’t.

“Garrett Hawke is the only suspect we could consider. Everyone else checks out but the man _has_ an alibi and we wouldn’t have the evidence to put him through trial,” a detective told him. It wasn’t good enough!

Sebastian didn’t want to believe that Garrett would do something to harm Fenris but what else did he have to go on? _He_ was the one who told him that the woman at the bar had told him that he’d left with an older man. The police couldn’t find any traces of a woman matching his description. An older man was a direct contrast to everything Garrett was at the time, it would instantly take him out of the question. Everything added up too well and Sebastian was beginning to convince himself that it wasn’t just a coincidence that he was the last person to see his son before he disappeared.

The two rarely saw each other, they had no reason to. Their only connection was Fenris and now the initial fuss about his whereabout had dissipated, there was no need for them to interact. Sebastian shot him a nasty look every time they passed in the street. Garrett knew that he thought he did it. At this point, there didn’t seem to be any way to convince him that he didn’t unless they actually caught someone else. The one thing that they shared was an unwillingness to move on when everyone else pushed them to.

In an attempt to conquer his weight problem, Garrett focused his attention on nutrition and working out at the gym. Fenris remained in the back of his mind at all times even as everyone else seemed to move forward. Isabela joined the navy. Varric had a steady job as a bartender whilst his novels rose in success. Anders was trudging his way through medical school to become a doctor. Even Merrill who worked at Marethari’s café was building a life outside of that as an artist. Everyone seemed to have life in order and began to make their own path in romantic endeavours as well.

Garrett flickered between jobs and relationships. He struggled to hold a job for more than a couple months and a relationship even less than that. Everyone was growing up and he felt like he was still stuck in his 18-year-old body chasing after Fenris.

6 years after Fenris’s disappearance, he finally managed to secure a career in dog grooming. It wasn’t particularly well-paid but he got along better with the canine companions more so than any new friends or partners he tried to make. His days were monotonous and he spent his downtime overworking himself on exercise machines and drinking too much alcohol. He lived in a shitty apartment block in a place where his neighbours didn’t recognise him as the boyfriend of the boy who disappeared. It was a comfort not to be reminded of what happened every day by knowing stares.

 

After 7 years, everyone had to finally accept that Fenris wasn’t coming back. It was the year in which the investigation, although had been shut for several years now, was officially closed and Fenris pronounced dead. Sebastian did not take it very well and even Garrett was surprised that the man still hung desperately onto the threads of hope that Fenris might still yet live. The guilt still weighed down on Garrett but he was willing to accept that he would never see Fenris again.

The funeral was a sombre service. There was a collective agreement that Fenris had been taken from them far too early. Everyone had gathered for it no matter where their place in the world was and Garrett felt his heart swell knowing that all these people still cared. He and Sebastian didn’t make eye-contact during the service, he was still angry at him and blamed him for everything that happened. Almost everybody was in tears by the end, mourning the loss of their friend, their lover, their son. Watching them lower the empty casket into a grave was the hardest part of all. They had no body to put to rest, the fact that Fenris’s dead remains may be rotting somewhere they couldn’t find. He would never be at peace.

He thought he’d have to really push himself to move on now and not live his life dwelling on Fenris. But it was as if God himself wanted him to keep thinking of him. News spread quickly about a video that had been uploaded to a sketchy website. Everyone who had been on Fenris’s case desperately searched for an IP but it was no use, the person who uploaded the original did a good job of disguising their identity.

The video circulated the internet, for every copy that was taken down, a new one was uploaded where someone had obviously downloaded it beforehand. It was out there and it was never going to leave. Garrett couldn’t bear to watch it, he’d heard enough about it to not want to. Even though Fenris’s face did not feature, everything below his mouth was visible. No one seemed to have any respect for his dignity as everything was on show while someone degraded him. It was impossible to tell how old the video was, but Garrett knew it was him from the markings on his skin. Long dark hair cascaded over his collar bones and he guessed that it couldn’t have been…too old footage. Censored screencaps of the video were plastered all over every news site with articles detailing the scandal. The images alone made Garrett want to vomit.

But there was one important part. Everything suggested that Fenris…may still be alive. If he wasn’t, then he probably died recently. Clearly someone had him, was lightly holding him captive judging by how malnourished he looked. In a way, it hurt more than thinking that he died a swift death not long after his disappearance. How could someone do something like that to him?

The investigation was re-opened but even with the new evidence of Fenris’s survival, they still didn’t really have any leads unless they could track the original IP address of the source video. That had proved difficult and unsuccessful. So, what now? They still had nothing to go on.

Time went on and there were no further steps forward in the case. Eventually everything to do with the scandal fizzled out and the police stopped trying so desperately to take down copies of the video from the internet. Traces of it could still be found and you could probably watch the video if you truly wished to. Even as the fuss slowed down, Garrett and Sebastian both found themselves reignited with hope that maybe Fenris still lived and he could be found. Though it simmered out when they found a body part, an arm, belonging to him.

But as soon as Leandra’s death hit, Garrett found something new to mourn. Any remaining family he had were far away from home. What did he have left? His friends had moved on, his family gone, Fenris too. It was a blessing that his boss at work had sympathy for him and the loss of his mother, for if it were anyone else they probably would have fired him for the amount of time he took off work. He couldn’t handle it. Everything in the world suddenly felt much more bleak and empty. To his surprise, Sebastian attended Leandra’s funeral. He supposed the two had been good friends, it was why he and Fenris had become friends as toddlers. Sebastian still blamed him, resented him, he could see it in his eyes. However, he made an attempt to comfort him and share his condolences.

Now there was no one to nag at him to talk to someone about his problems, pressuring him to see a therapist and talk over everything that happened to Fenris. He didn’t need it, he wasn’t crazy. Fenris was the victim here, not him. He didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him, not when the whole thing was his fault anyway.

Everything changed the day he heard the news. A phone call from the police department that Fenris had been found. He was currently in a hospital bed, recovering from the abuse and malnutrition, suffering through a detox from the drugs he had been given. They warned him that he was not in a good condition, but alongside ‘dad’, his name was mumbled from his semi-conscious lips.

Fenris was alive. They found him.

He’d rushed to the hospital with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But Sebastian didn’t want him to see him.

“He needs rest. You’ll overwhelm him,” Sebastian had chastised. Garrett’s heart hammered. He wanted to see him, he _needed_ to. However, he couldn’t find it in him to protest. He didn’t want to cause Fenris any more suffering and maybe Sebastian was right all along. Maybe he just…made everything worse. Like always. Sebastian carefully took the flowers from him and thanked him for stopping by anyway, although his voice was strained at the words.

Although he never entered, he peered in through the window as Sebastian set the flowers in the vase next to Fenris’s bedside. He could see him there, lying asleep in the hospital bed. His cheeks were sunken and his breathing slow. He looked…a tragic mess, suffered through more than he could comprehend. But he would wait if he had to, until Fenris was feeling a little better. He could hold him again, hear his voice saying something other than the voicemail message left behind on his phone. Tears began welling in his eyes at the thought and he knew he needed to leave the hospital.

There was a good reason God didn’t let him move on.

Fenris was home.


	6. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get better for Fenris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy its been a long time, hasn't it? im so sorry, i was on hiatus for a while. i had to sit and re-read this fic to try and get back into it, so here we are. 
> 
> hope you all enjoy this chapter!

“I understand this is a lot to take in,” Garrett said, eyes flickering over to look at Fenris. He was staring down at the grass under his feet, eyebrows furrowed. There was no way he could imagine what it must be like for Fenris to hear all of this. He’d missed an entire decade, locked away from the world. And he was just a mess who couldn’t get over a boy. “But…you deserved to know my side of things. Now you know. My hours are flexible so I spend…as much time here with you as I can.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Fenris eventually said quietly. Garrett stared openly at him as his heart swelled.

There was a reason he’d never been able to move on. Even though he was so different, under all of that Fenris was still there somewhere. When Garrett Hawke fell in love, he fell hard. If there had been proof of Fenris’s death, if he never came back, he didn’t know what he’d do. But what did that matter when he was sat before him, the same beautiful green eyes and strong jaw. There were scars he’d never seen before, body skinnier than he’d ever known it. How someone could do this to him was beyond his imagination. But with everything he’d been through, it wouldn’t come as a surprise if he never wanted to be touched again. They hadn’t spoken of the time he tried to kiss him. He didn’t think they would, at least not for a long time.

 

Ever since that conversation, things got considerably better for everyone. Fenris’s therapy sessions were finally starting to pick up and it was getting easier to talk about certain things. One thing he had noticed though was that there were a lot of blank spots in his memory. Of course, when the days blended together like they did in captivity, it was understandable that his sense of time was warped. Sebastian initially opted to reward his progress with vanilla ice-cream and biscuits, but Fenris turned his nose up at the foods. They made him feel sick, he said, which baffled Sebastian. Cupcakes and muffins were fine though, they discovered, and that was his choice of reward.

The police had been making progress in the investigation of Danarius’s home as well. All the evidence had been cleared out and they opted to fill in the basement where Fenris had been kept with cement. No one needed to see that place ever again, it was a place of horrors. There were debates as to whether the house should be demolished or sold. When the situation was brought up to Fenris, he asked for the place to be torn down. It was in his town still and if he never had to see it again, that would be preferable.

In his time at home, Fenris had spent a lot of time in the garden. It was the most peaceful part of the property and it was nice to inhale the fresh air, to embrace his freedom that he’d worked so hard to get back. By going out there, it made it easier for him to get used to be outside again. Sebastian and Garrett occasionally took him out. The first few times going out, not with the car, had resulted in panic attacks, but there was slow progress. Soon enough, he could be out for short periods of time to go shopping or go for a quick walk.

“Fenris I’m going to pick up some groceries, do you want to come? We can pick up some more blueberry muffins,” Sebastian came out into the garden where Fenris sat looking at the flowers. He turned around to face his father and nodded.

Things were still tense between Sebastian and Garrett, but it was getting better as time went on. One thing they could bond over was all the positive aspects of Fenris’s slow recovery. Fenris hoped that soon Sebastian would stop blaming Garrett for what happened, and Garrett would stop worrying so much about pleasing everybody.

When Fenris reached for a jacket to put on, Sebastian had to resist the urge to help him button it up. He was starting to get the hang of things like that, doing them with one arm. Despite that, Fenris’s doctor had said that in time, they could probably arrange for him to get some kind of prosthetic, which had made Fenris’s eyes light up. It was a rare and beautiful sight. He watched Fenris slip on a pair of pre-tied shoes and follow him out of their front door.

“I heard The Hanged Man finally upgraded their security system. They got better cameras and more of them, thanks to some donations from the public,” Sebastian told him as they walked. It went unsaid that this had happened because of what happened to him there. Kirkwall was forever going to be infamous for this crime and it was a good sign that they were taking measures to prevent anything like that happening to anyone ever again.

Fenris didn’t reply though, he just nodded along as he stared at his reflection in shop windows. He could freely walk around without a hood up now he’d gathered the courage to give the media a statement, assuring them that he was fine and recovering smoothly. From then on, they mostly left him alone with the occasional check-up.

When he noticed Fenris wasn’t by his side any longer, Sebastian quickly turned around in a flutter of panic. He was relieved to see that Fenris was only in fact a few paces behind him, but he’d stopped in his tracks to stare into a shop window. Something had caught his eye. He walked back towards him and managed to follow his gaze to a children’s toy shop. In the window was an array of stuffed animals, staring back at them with cute, beady little eyes. For some reason, Fenris seemed mesmerised by them.

“What is it, Fenris?” he asked.

“I…I-I want it,” Fenris stammered. His eyes were locked upon a stuffed penguin sat in the middle of all the toys. It was a spitting image of Penguin, the one he’d lost, and he wondered if this was the same place he had been bought. His heart hammered, and his chest felt tight. It was a sore memory, but he so desperately wanted it. He needed something to remember Penguin by, the new one could never replace him, but he could try and soothe the wounds left behind.

Sebastian was confused, unsure which toy he was talking about, but he replied anyway: “Do you want to go inside and get it?”

Fenris nodded and pushed open the door to the shop. Sebastian followed him in and watched him shakily pick up the stuffed penguin toy. Perhaps he should’ve had concerns about his 28-year-old son wanting a stuffed toy, but he wasn’t about to deny him anything he wanted. Clearly there was some deeper meanings here that he’d investigate later. For now, he just paid for the toy and let Fenris carry it in his arms. They’d been offered a bag but Fenris refused. He just wanted to hold it.

Never once did Fenris part his arm from the penguin toy on the whole way to the supermarket. He paid no mind to the looks people were giving him as they walked around the aisles and collected all the groceries they needed. Sebastian made sure to pick up another packet of blueberry muffins as he had promised. Then they made their way home without further incident.

 

Sebastian made sure he was out of earshot when he called Aveline. He’d remembered the phone number she’d given him when Fenris hadn’t been home long, he was to use it if he had any inquiries. Fenris had been enamoured with the stuffed penguin toy ever since he saw it and refused to let go of it. He took it everywhere with him and only let go when he absolutely had to. It was cute in a way, it reminded Sebastian strongly of Fenris’s childhood. He always did like his stuffed toys.

“Mr. Vael, good to hear from you. How are things?” Aveline picked up the phone and knocked Sebastian out of his thoughts.

“Good actually. Fenris is doing well. But about that, I had a question. You have…been through all of the footage, haven’t you?” Sebastian said. He could only assume Fenris’s attachment to the particular penguin toy had something to do with that as it wasn’t a behaviour he had before he’d been taken. Or at least, it wasn’t one he expressed. He’d been hoping that perhaps Aveline could provide him with some insight into this mystery.

“Yes, we have,” Aveline replied with a heavy sigh. It was one of those things that would stick with her forever. Everyone on the case had been irreversibly changed by that horrific footage. “What’s your question?”

Sebastian pressed his lips tight together as he wondered how he should phrase the question. If it didn’t have something to do with his time in captivity, it would definitely sound weird. Well, there wasn’t anything he could do about that. He’d just have to go for it.

“I know this is going to sound like an odd question but…in the footage, was there anything about stuffed toys? A penguin maybe?” he asked. Maker, he sounded like an idiot. But to his surprise, Aveline actually hummed in surprise on the other end of the phone.

“It’s interesting you should mention it. I thought it an irrelevant detail but perhaps it will make some sense to you,” she said, then took a deep breath. “So, in the footage we saw that Danarius actually gave Fenris a toy penguin. Fenris seemed to be quite attached to it. The audio is quiet but seemed to be talking to it when he was alone and things like that. We assume it was because he was without any emotional connections or relationships outside of Danarius himself. But it was fairly short-lived in the grand scheme of his stay because Danarius later incinerated the toy in front him, causing him great distress. We think it might’ve been a final push that got Fenris to free himself.”

It was a lot to take in, that was for sure, but suddenly things were starting to piece themselves together. To Fenris, the death of his stuffed toy was the equivalent of losing a friend. That was something that would be precious in that dark time in his life, it was no wonder he wanted to try and patch up the hole left behind, even if it seemed childish.

“Thank you Aveline. That actually answers a few questions I had,” Sebastian said.

“No problem. Hey, actually there was something else regarding the case. I was going to come over tomorrow, but I suppose I can mention it now. We’d like to speak to Fenris about a man and a woman who was seen in the basement with him,” Aveline mentioned. “Is noon tomorrow fine?”

Aveline and Sebastian quickly agreed on a time for her to come over and talk about this new mystery in Fenris’s case and then said their goodbyes to one another. Sebastian put the phone down and paused. Who could this mysterious man and woman be? Fenris hadn’t mentioned anything about there being more than one person involved in his kidnapping. Perhaps it was a sensitive topic or a repressed memory. Only time could tell.

 

True to her word, Aveline arrived at the house at noon. Sebastian let her inside and guided her into the living room where Fenris was already seated on the couch. His eyes were trained on the television as he watched a documentary about ocean sea life, his arms were tightly wound around the stuffed penguin bought the day before, something Aveline quickly took note of. Now Sebastian’s question made sense. Sebastian disappeared into the kitchen to whip Aveline up a cup of coffee, remembering how she liked it from the previous visit.

“Hi Fenris,” Aveline said gently, setting her folder down on the coffee table. They’d already met a couple times, when she’d come to talk about his case before. Unfortunately, they’d never met under strictly pleasant and casual terms. Regardless, he looked up from the television and directed his gaze towards her.

“Hello,” he said.

Sebastian returned from the kitchen shortly after holding two mugs, one for Aveline and one for Fenris. Fenris’s mug didn’t contain coffee though, it was hot chocolate. He was hesitant to put the penguin toy down in order to take the mug, but he knew he didn’t have much of a choice while he had one hand. The toy ended up nestled by his side on the couch when he finally reached for the mug. Aveline slowly took a seat next to him but didn’t get too close as to not make him uncomfortable.

“Has your dad told you why I’m here today?” Aveline asked Fenris. She took a big sip of her coffee and then set it down on the coffee table, she picked up her folder soon after.

“He said you had pictures you wanted me to look at?” Fenris answered.

Aveline nodded and opened her folder. She shuffled within the contents until she pulled a photograph out from underneath a paperclip, then handed it to Fenris. He had to put down his hot chocolate, so he could hold it and study it. His heart hammered at the sight of the basement he had been kept in, recognising the angle from the DVDs left by Danarius’s computer. _It’s fine Fenris,_ he told himself, _that place no longer exists._

“Do you recognise this woman?” Aveline said, tapping at the figure on the paper. Fenris inspected the paper closer to make out the shape of the woman in the photograph. Slim, tall but definitely because of her heels, long black hair.

“Mistress,” he said.

“Mistress?”

“She…She was assigned to look after me while Danarius was away. I don’t…I don’t know her real name, she had me call her Mistress.”

Aveline hummed and carefully took the picture back out of his hands before he got too overwhelmed. His fingers were instantly wrapped back around his mug of hot chocolate and he was downing big gulps of it in an attempt to calm his nerves.

“Was she unkind to you?” Aveline asked, though she already knew the answer. She’d seen it all on the footage. Fenris nodded, remembering the way she’d humiliated him and neglected him of his basic needs. At the time, he greatly preferred Danarius’s company compared to hers even though she never sexually assaulted him. “If we brought in a sketch artist, do you think you could describe her to us?”

“I think so,” Fenris said.

That was a relief at least. It had worried Aveline when he said he didn’t know her name. However, if he could provide enough details for a sketch, they still stood a decent chance of finding this mystery woman. She hoped that she was alive just for the satisfaction of locking her up since she never got the chance with Danarius. There was still one more photograph to show Fenris, so she tucked the picture of ‘Mistress’ back in her folder and brought out the second one to hand to him.

“What about this man?” she asked, letting him take the new photo. He frowned when he looked at it. The man sat in the corner of the room, his hair was short and brown. It was hard to tell what his body type was like because he had his knees pulled up to his chest. He was sat in the opposite corner to the one Fenris’s bed resided.

When had this man been in the basement with him? Fenris couldn’t remember him at all. He knew there were a lot of blank spots, but one would think he’d remember something as vital as another person in the basement with him. That said, one would also probably think that he’d remember getting such extensive tattoos on his back as well. He simply looked back at Aveline and shook his head.

“We think his name is Lukas Marsh. He went missing five years ago, last seen outside his home. No one has seen him or heard anything, this is actually the first time we’d had a lead. Unfortunately, there’s a bit of a gap in the footage where I assume the camera was turned off. By the time it’s switched back on, he’s never seen again. If you know anything about him, it would be helpful,” Aveline told him.

“I don’t remember,” Fenris mumbled. There was a lump in his throat, something about looking at the man was incredibly distressing, and he had to shove it back in Aveline’s hands. He couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. It was very confusing, he felt like he should know this man but as he went digging through his memories, he couldn’t seem to recall anything.

Aveline soon noticed that this was beginning to upset Fenris.

“It’s okay. If you remember anything, I’d like you to get in touch. In the meantime, I’m going to arrange for a sketch artist to visit. That sound okay to you?” she said. Fenris nodded and rubbed at his eyes. “Okay. Thank you Fenris, you’ve been a great help.”

She picked up her coffee and finished the contents of it before gathering her things. Sebastian carried her mug into the kitchen and then guided her out the front door, saying their goodbyes and thank you’s on the way.

 

Fenris asked for Garrett to be with him whilst he was sat with the sketch artist. That way Sebastian could go to work without worrying about him too much. Garrett was more than happy to be there for him, sitting by his side the whole time whilst the sketch artist made his way inside. He sat calmly opposite the two men with Aveline observing, and listened to every detail Fenris could recall. It wasn’t long before they had a finished sketch. The sketch artist turned his drawing towards Fenris.

“Does this look like her?” he asked. Fenris nodded but it was Garrett who reached out to touch the piece of paper. The sketch artist let him take it from his hands, noting the way Garrett’s eyebrows furrowed at the sight of the woman.

“I know this woman,” he said, pointing at the paper. Aveline cocked an eyebrow and leaned forward in interest. Garrett quickly realised he was going to have to clarify. “I mean, not personally of course. You remember I told you that I spoke to a woman at…at the bar, at The Hanged Man? When Fenris went missing? She told me that she saw Fenris leave with an older man. Then when I told the police, they told me they saw no trace of her on the CCTV footage? This is her. This is the woman who spoke to me. You said that she was seen in…in the basement?”

Aveline rubbed her chin, humming as she took in the information. In truth, she never thought the police on the case when it was first discovered did a very good job into looking into the CCTV footage or following up on the potential leads they had. Granted, times had changed since then and technology had gotten better.

“Yes, she was. Fenris is quite familiar with her. I don’t suppose you know her name?” Aveline prodded.

Garrett huffed and shook his head; “Unfortunately not. She never said.”

She wasn’t about to say it out loud but the fact that Garrett recognised her wasn’t much help if he didn’t know any more about her. However, it was useful to know that she was at the bar the same time Fenris was taken. Her involvement in all of this was clear and she sincerely hoped that it wouldn’t be too long before they caught her. She deserved every bit of punishment for the part she’d played in Fenris’s suffering. The poor man deserved more justice than what he got.

“I want to thank both of you for your information regardless. We’re going to put this image out and hope that someone comes forward with some knowledge about who this woman is,” Aveline said, slowly standing up from her seat. The sketch artist took the paper back from Garrett and followed her motions. She turned her head towards Fenris, looking at him with a determined expression. “I promise you Fenris, I’ll find this woman and I will put her away. She won’t get away with what she’s done.”

“Thank you,” Fenris mumbled, head bowed.

It was Garrett who then got up and walked Aveline and the sketch artist out of the house, waving goodbye to them as they got in their cop car and drove off. He took a deep breath and leaned against the door frame for a moment. It was hard to imagine how Fenris must’ve felt after all that. He’d been getting better lately, and he hoped that all of this wasn’t too much for him. The sight of that woman had come as a shock to even him.

When he returned to the living room, Fenris was still sat in the same spot on the couch. He sat back down next to him and looked him over to assess how he was feeling. It was easy to see he was a little shaken up, but he was definitely dealing with this better than he would have a short while ago. It was nice to see each bit of a progress.

“How’re you feeling?” Garrett asked.

“I’m okay. It’s a lot but I should be glad that…everyone is just trying to help me. Aveline is nice…isn’t she?” Fenris said. He still had his penguin toy wrapped up against his chest, his arms around it. Garrett hadn’t asked questions about it and for that he was thankful. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about Penguin yet, of all things.

Garrett chuckled; “Yeah, she is. I’m really glad she’s working on your case actually. You should’ve seen the guys they assigned in the first place. Awful.”

Fenris offered him a reassuring smile. He knew it wasn’t easy for Hawke to talk about either, but he felt good knowing everything that had happened. Their relationship had gotten significantly better since he opened up to him. And still, every time he looked at him, he got this flutter of butterflies in his stomach. He felt like a young teenager each time, bubbling with the excitement of a newfound crush. Garrett had grown a lot since he’d been gone, it was hard to compare him with the boy he knew. However, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just meant he was falling for him again in a different way.

When Garrett smiled back at him, it only intensified the feelings. He knew that Garrett was going to be there for him, for as long as he needed it. He had proven it time and again. There was no reason why they couldn’t try again, right? He was getting better, albeit slowly, and no doubt being in a relationship was going to be a big hurdle for him to overcome. Touch was one of his biggest barriers, but if anyone could help him get over it and not judge him for freaking out occasionally, it was Garrett. After all, his therapist had told him that sometimes with some things, it’s best to just push yourself to do things that scare you.

“Garrett,” he said softly. He put his penguin to one side and reached out to take his hand gently. Garrett raised his eyebrows at him, surprised at Fenris’s own initiative. However, he didn’t hesitate to lace their fingers together, a gesture Fenris enjoyed. “Can we talk about…us?”

“What about us?” Garrett said.

Fenris focused his eyes on their joined hands because it was easier than watching the trepidation in Garrett’s eyes. How did he even word any of this? Garrett had been the one who had confessed his love for him when they were in high school, he’d never had to do this part.

“My therapist says that some things are best done by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Like…touch, for example,” he began. He gestured down to their joined hands and Garrett nodded, seemingly understanding. “And there are some things I don’t know if I can get over on my own and some I might…never get over. But I have to try. And…you’re the only person I’d want to do that with.”

“Well, when you think about we never really broke up, did we?” Garrett hummed, squeezing Fenris’s hand reassuringly. He knew it had taken him a lot of courage to say those things, to ask this of him.

Not once had he ever stopped caring about Fenris, loving him. It would be hard for them, he knew that. Things would never be able to go back to the way they had been before all of this mess happened. Fenris would never be _that_ Fenris again, but he supposed he wasn’t the same Garrett either. Both of them had changed and perhaps even as changed people, they could love each other all the same. If anything, Garrett was willing to take the chance to rekindle what they had.

“Does that mean you’re willing?” Fenris said.

“Only if you’re sure,” Garrett replied. He’d grown so much since the first time he’d seen him since the incident. When he’d tried to kiss him back then, it was only right for him to turn him down. But he was growing, he was changing, he was coming out of a new shell. Most importantly, this time he actually felt like Fenris might know what he truly wanted.

Fenris nodded confidently at him; “I’m sure.”

Garrett took the hand he held and brought it up to his lips. He moved slowly, let Fenris watch every individual movement so he could stop him if he wished. Instead, he watched with interest that overweighed the mild anxiety. He kissed Fenris’s knuckles and heard the way it made his breath hitch. It was such a simple gesture, and he looked Fenris over for any signs of distress but instead of looking distraught, he seemed more…lovestruck.

“Fenris, I don’t think there’s anybody else in this world for me. I care about you, a lot, and I always have. But there is one thing on my mind right now. What is your dad going to say about all this?” Garrett asked, slowly bringing their hands back down and continuing to rub his thumb against the back of Fenris’s hand.

It was an important question. They both knew how Sebastian felt about Garrett. There were a lot of things Fenris wished for, but the recovery of Sebastian and Garrett’s relationship was pretty high up on his list of desires. They used to be so close, Sebastian had almost been a bit of a father figure for Garrett after his own dad passed away.

“I overheard a conversation you had with my dad a long time ago, when we were teenagers. It’s…a memory I for some reason held on to. My dad asked you to look after me, you two didn’t know I was listening. You told him that I didn’t need looking after but promised anyway,” Fenris began. Garrett nodded along.

“I remember that conversation,” he said.

“But it wasn’t about my dad thinking I was weak or unable to protect myself. It was…about trust. Him trusting you. And that’s…what’s lacking right now. You need to trust each other again and I think…I think this is a good step in the right direction. He might not like it at first, but he has to accept that I can make these decisions for myself. And he has to learn to trust you again,” Fenris continued. It was his turn to squeeze Garrett’s hand now. “It’s what I want, more than anything.”

Garrett stared at Fenris for a moment. The words were incredibly profound, and it only served to remind him just how deeply in love with him he had been. Fenris was so intelligent, so wise, even despite everything he’d been through. Most of all, he raised a very good point. He hadn’t even thought of that conversation like that, though granted he didn’t spend much time psycho-analysing every conversation he’d ever had.

“Fenris that’s…I think you’re right. But that’s surely easier said than done,” Garrett said. Fenris’s eyes looked down and he worried that maybe he’d just put a damper on the mood he’d created. So, he scooted closer to Fenris and squeezed his hand again. “That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. We have to start somewhere, right?”

“Right,” Fenris replied.

There was a silence now between then and Garrett used the opportunity to slowly let go of his hand and move his own to cup his cheek. He glided his thumb along his cheekbone, drawing Fenris’s eyes back to him. They gazed at each other and Garrett desperately wanted to lean in and kiss him. His lips were slightly parted, and he could remember how soft they used to be when they were younger. He leaned in, daring to bring their faces together until they could feel each other’s hot breath against their skin. But before they could meet, Fenris shook his head and pulled away. Garrett supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised and that things were going to have to be taken slower than this.

“Can we…just cuddle instead?” Fenris asked. Garrett certainly didn’t have a problem with that. Admittedly, he wished he could’ve kissed him, but his own desires didn’t matter right now. He respected Fenris’s boundaries and that it was going to take him a while to come round. It would only make it more magical when he finally did kiss him. They would get there one day, hopefully.

“Of course,” he said. He let go of Fenris’s cheeks and extended both arms out towards him so Fenris could nestle himself against his chest.

He sighed as he rested his head on Hawke’s torso, letting him wrap his arms around him and pull him close. This was a step in the right direction. Things were only bound to get better.


	7. With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris calms himself from a reoccurring nightmare by trying to get back into a normal routine. Aveline has some news on 'Mistress'.

_“That’s it little wolf, now just twist the knife.”_

_Red. So much red. It was hot, burning his hands. His vision was blurry, but he could faintly make out his fingers wrapped around a handle. He shook, body trembling. Without his own volition, he twisted his hands._

_“You’re such a good boy.”_

Fenris awoke in a cold sweat with a gasp. He shot up in bed, panting, and wiped the sweat from his forehead. That dream again. He’d been having it almost every night for the past week. Each time, he woke up shaken and confused. He couldn’t make sense of it. What was happening? It had to be from his time in captivity, Danarius’s voice was intimately familiar. However, he couldn’t place the event in a timeline, nor could he remember it happening at all. Was it possible that his brain was just making up false memories?

“Fenris?” Hawke’s voice mumbled from beside him. His golden eyes fluttered open and he propped his body up with his arm.

Since the conversation they’d had about their relationship, they had begun sharing a bed when Hawke stayed over. He spent more time at Fenris’s place than he did at his own. Fenris liked the company, it was such a stark contrast to all the nights he’d spent alone on that cheap bed frame in the basement. He shook away the thought. His therapist had been trying to help him focus on the things that were going well for him now, on the situations that made him feel safe.

That led his thought process back to Hawke, who had now sat up in the bed and put a hand on his arm. His eyebrows were furrowed, eyes looking him over with concern. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a nightmare and woke Hawke up when they’d slept in the same bed, so he was sure he was getting used to this happening by now.

“Are you okay? Is it that dream again?” he asked. Fenris nodded.

“I can’t make any sense of it,” he replied, shaking his head. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, trying every technique he knew to settle his breathing. Hawke’s fingers rubbing circles on his arm definitely helped soothe him.

He let Hawke pull him into a hug, taking in the scent of him, his warmth as he wrapped his arms around him. Nothing could compare to this. No place was more like home than with Hawke. It was these moments that Fenris forgot himself completely, that he was able to let go for just a few minutes.

“I’m sorry you have to go through this Fenris. I wish I could do more to help,” Hawke mumbled, pressing a gentle kiss to Fenris’s brow.

“You’re doing more than enough,” Fenris replied. He pulled away from his hold slowly, looking up at him. If he could stay there forever, he would’ve, but he had to learn to distance himself before he grew any unhealthy coping mechanisms. As much as he was glad to have Hawke to depend on, if he didn’t learn to stand on his own feet as well, there would only be further problems.

Hawke’s hand cupped his cheek, his thumb gliding up and down his cheekbone. “Still. I know there’s no way to make things magically better, but I do wish I could do more. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“Yes. I think I’m ready,” Fenris nodded.

He laid back down on the sheets, pulling the blankets up over him. Hawke was quick to follow and as Fenris turned on his side away from him, he wrapped an arm lazily over his waist, face nestled in his hair. It wasn’t too much, not too confining, Fenris could break free of the hold easily if he wanted to. But he didn’t. It brought comfort to know Hawke was there beside him. As his eyes fell shut, he prayed that he would not be interrupted for the rest of the night.

 

The reoccurring nightmare haunted Fenris for the days to come. He couldn’t seem to erase the image of his hands soaked in red, in… blood? It bothered him. There were only so many reasons that someone would have their hands covered in blood. He knew he should bring it up to someone, the explicit details of it. Hawke knew that he was having nightmares, one in particular, but he had refused to tell him what it was exactly about. It was understandable, given all the horrific things that had happened to him in his time in captivity. No one was going to force him to relive those things if he truly didn’t want to. Plus, it wasn’t like Hawke was his therapist.

However, he couldn’t help but worry that he might’ve committed some kind of horrible crime. If he told his dad his suspicions, would he tell that woman, Aveline? What if he _had_ done something bad like killed somebody? Could he be charged for that? He didn’t know, and he was nervous about what would happen if he tried to find out.

“Something bothering you?” Sebastian asked him as he washed the plates from the lunch they’d shared. It was just the two of them in the house as Hawke had gone for his shift at work. As it seemed, it didn’t matter that he wanted to keep it in for the time being as his concern was plastered all over his face anyway. “You’ve had this look on your face lately. Does it have something to do with Hawke? You know I am dubious about jumping into this relationship, but I have put my trust and faith in the both of you to do the right thing.”

Fenris let his mouth hang open for a moment as he debated what to say, before snapping it shut and looking down. He wanted to lie, to tell him everything was fine, but there was no way he would believe him. Sebastian could always tell when he was lying.

“It is just a nightmare I’ve been having lately,” he said, eyes downcast. He heard the clatter of plates as Sebastian put them down and turned around.

“Perhaps it would make you feel better to tell someone about it,” Sebastian suggested. He pulled up a chair next to Fenris and sat down. “You can tell me anything. Only if you are comfortable with that.”

He knew that. He knew Sebastian just wanted the best for him. Yet, it didn’t give him as much comfort as he hoped. There were so many ways for this to go wrong, he had to be careful about what he said to him. His fingers fisted the material of his jeans as he thought about what the best way was to word it in such a way that Sebastian wouldn’t be too suspicious.

“The dream is only brief, I often wake up before I get too far. In it I am… with Danarius. I don’t see him, but I hear him encouraging me to do… something. I don’t know what. There’s a lot of blood on my hands,” Fenris explained. He swallowed roughly and fidgeted on the chair. Just talking about it made him feel it, the heat of the blood all over his fingers burning into his flesh. His gaze remained focused on the floor, he didn’t want to look up and see Sebastian’s expression. “I fear that in my time there, I did something bad. Please… don’t tell anyone.”

“That’s… awful Fenris, but very serious,” Sebastian said. He reached out and grabbed Fenris’s hand to hold between his own. That drew Fenris’s attention as it made him flinch, the heat around his hand reminiscent of the burning in his dream. However, he trained himself for this, to get used to this, and he quickly calmed himself down once he realised that it was Sebastian holding his hand.

“I have had many bad dreams but this one I can’t shake. It is troubling me, even with Hawke’s comfort I am finding it hard to sleep,” Fenris replied.

Sebastian pressed his lips together and looked down at their joined hands. He wanted to help Fenris as best he could, but he was in no place to provide professional advice or treatment. Perhaps that was the answer. He needed to tell his therapist about this.

“You were against the medication to help with nightmares before but perhaps it is time you take it up, if it’s bothering you that much,” Sebastian suggested.

“Maybe you’re right,” Fenris mumbled.

That made Sebastian smile. He squeezed Fenris’s hand reassuringly before letting go. “On a more positive note, you’ve pretty much gained all your weight back. You look much more healthy, it’s nice to see. You should consider taking up regular exercise again, build up your muscles. You used to go for a jog every morning, do you remember? A bit of yoga couldn’t hurt either. Maybe you should ask Hawke if he’d like to do it with you.”

He wanted to encourage him to spend more time with Hawke, if only to see how things would play out. Desperately, he wanted to trust Hawke again. He couldn’t do that without him showing that he was going to do anything for his son.

“I’ll ask him,” Fenris said. Sebastian nodded and patted his shoulder before standing up, Fenris watching his every movement now. “Thank you.”

“I just want what’s best for you,” Sebastian said.

 

His therapist had prodded him for details about the nightmares but didn’t push when Fenris closed all of his doors. He would speak of it in due time, when he was ready, when he could make more sense of it. In the meantime, he’d been given a prescription of prazosin to take nightly. It would help to relax him and hopefully calm his nightmares. He was a little nervous to try it but he was determined to take the leap if it would stop his nightmares from haunting him. Memories of Danarius handing him pills until he couldn’t thrive without them circled his mind, but he shook them off as best he could.

As well as that, he’d been thinking about what Sebastian had suggested about the exercise. It wouldn’t cure him, he knew that, but it certainly couldn’t make him any worse. Besides, being trapped in that basement for so long had certainly killed his muscles. He’d gotten used to walking properly on his scarred feet, it was time to take the next leap into jogging. So, he waited for Hawke to come over. He’d sent him a text asking him to talk after he finished his shift come sunset.

When Hawke finally arrived, he opened his arms for him and let him take the initiative to hug him. It was just one of the many little things they’d devised in order to keep them both happy and comfortable. Hawke was happy to press a small kiss on the top of his hair as he wrapped his strong arms around him.

“What did you want to talk about?” he asked when he finally pulled back but kept his hands on his shoulders so he could rub his thumbs against it.

“Dad suggested I start jogging again like I used to, get my muscles back up to speed,” Fenris replied. He shuffled on his feet. “I… likely won’t be much good at first but I thought it would be nice for us to do it together. Gets me out of the house and well… it’s just something for us to do, isn’t it?”

Hawke smiled. He liked the sound of a little arrangement where he and Fenris did something together every day. No matter if he wanted to admit it or not, things had changed in the time Fenris was away. They couldn’t do the things they used to do together, but he was willing to build a new life with new things to do together.

“Sounds good to me,” he told him. “Do you want to start tomorrow morning?”

“That would be preferable. Will you stay here with me again tonight?” Fenris asked and Hawke chuckled.

“Of course,” he said, nodding.

Fenris let out a sigh of relief. It was a good plan. Cuddle up together, go for a jog come morning, and eat breakfast when they got back. It made him feel like a more functional member of society already. The sooner he became more ‘normal’, the sooner people would stop treating him differently.

“It’s a plan,” Fenris said, managing to push out a slight smile.

 

The two of them woke up in the early morning, at the crack of dawn. It had taken some pulling on Fenris’s part to get Hawke out of bed but he wanted to allow themselves time for this. Fenris wanted to go when there were less people around just in case he was going to embarrass himself. He’d been incredibly athletic once, he knew that, but it had been so long since he’d done anything like this.

“Five more minutes,” Hawke grumbled. Fenris rolled his eyes and pulled the sheets from him so he groaned and sat up in bed. “You are so very cruel Fen.”

“Stay any longer and I’ll go without you,” Fenris replied. It was an empty threat. He’d never go without Hawke, he wasn’t confident enough yet. Maybe in the future, once he was more used to doing it, he could go when Hawke wasn’t around.

Hawke pushed himself out of bed, rubbing his eyes and yawning. The two of them got ready in separate rooms, as they always did. Fenris knew that Hawke had seen him undressed many times before, especially when they were dating, their sex life had been rather active. But that was an entire hurdle that Fenris wasn’t willing to try and conquer just yet. He didn’t feel comfortable with anyone seeing him in _any_ state of undress. Hawke had always told him what a beauty he was before he was taken. He’d surely only disappoint him now. Just because he didn’t comment on his skinny appearance and the missing arm didn’t mean he didn’t think things about them privately.

He shook the thought from his head. That wasn’t anything to worry about right now. He put on a t-shirt and some jogging shirts, and he was ready to go. It was still pretty warm outside, but it likely didn’t matter much with how much they were going to be sweating anyway. He met Hawke downstairs by the front door where he stood leaning against the wall, twiddling the keys to the front door in his hand. He was dressed similarly, jogging shorts and a t-shirt, but with a hoodie on the top with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

“Ready?” Hawke asked. He seemed a lot more chipper now he was awake than how he’d looked only moments ago, struggling to get out of bed. Fenris nodded at him and the two of them walked out, locking the front door behind them as Sebastian was still sleeping upstairs.

The sky was still tinted with a slight orange glow from the sunrise, the birds were beginning to chirp amongst themselves from the treetops. Yet, the city slept. It was the perfect time for a jog. There didn’t seem to be any people around, save for one old lady in the distance walking her dog. It was unsurprising, most people were unwilling to wake this early even if it was the natural cycle of the Earth.

“We’ll start with a brisk walk,” Hawke suggested.

Right. Starting slow.

Fenris followed Hawke as he began walking quickly in the direction of the nearby park. His feet already protested a little, but it was dulled by the soft insoles he’d gotten put in his shoes. It helped ease some of the pain. He looked down at Hawke’s own feet as he took long strides. This was a little unfair, wasn’t it? Hawke was so much taller than him, it took less effort for him move swiftly when he had such long legs. They were nice legs though, he noted.

His cheeks burned at the intrusive thought and he hoped Hawke didn’t notice the redness. He was only human, he told himself, it was natural for him to feel this way. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought worse, more vulgar things about Hawke in the past anyway.

Once they reached the park, Hawke turned his head to look at Fenris. There was a vast field just off the end of the park that would be perfect for this particular activity. Being as early as it was, there were no children around either. They were the ones who usually occupied the space, playing ball games.

“Ready to pick up to a jog around here?” Hawke said.

“Yes,” Fenris nodded.

The walking hadn’t made him feel out of breath at all, he was only bothered a little by the aching of his feet, but that was to be expected. Besides, it wasn’t like he wasn’t used to it by now. He was mostly concerned about becoming winded and his leg muscles yelling at him to stop.

So, they picked up the pace. Their walking had turned into a light jog, moving through the grass with ease. Fenris struggled a little to keep up with Hawke and when he noticed, he slowed down a little for him. While he knew that Hawke was just trying to help him, to accommodate him, he couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. Was he really that bad? He knew there would be a problem, but for Hawke to have to slow down when they’d agreed on a ‘light jog’?

“You okay?” Hawke asked. Fenris couldn’t find it in his strength to reply, just nodded again.

They continued to jog around the field but by the time they were about half way around, Fenris felt his legs begin to protest. His muscles ached, horribly so. He couldn’t go for much longer, he had to stop. While he attempted to push himself, unwilling to be defeated this easily, it was definitely too much. He stopped, resting his hand on his knees that were beginning to buckle as he panted.

Hawke noticed he’d stopped and came to halt, taking a few steps back so he was in line with him. He crouched to check if he was okay and put his hand on his back, rubbing it reassuringly.

“Hey, you did really well,” he said.

Fenris grumbled, slowly catching his breath and straightening his back to stand upright again. He hadn’t been able to make it around the field, he’d hoped… It didn’t matter. This was progress, at least. He looked up at Hawke and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“Water?” Hawke offered. He retrieved a water bottle from the pocket of his hoodie and held it out to Fenris.

“You’ve been carrying that the whole time?” Fenris asked.

Hawke grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have big pockets.”

Rolling his eyes, Fenris reached out to take the water bottle but paused midway when he noticed the screw lid on the top. Hawke followed his gaze and quickly moved to unscrew it for him. Of course. There were still things that were difficult for him to do with his one hand. It was probably time for him to seriously consider this prosthetic thing. It would soothe some of the phantom pains as well. Once the lid was taken off, Fenris took the water bottle from Hawke and took a large sip. Refreshing.

Soon enough, Fenris’s lungs stopped feeling like they’d been doused in gasoline and lit with a match. He sniffled and handed Hawke his water bottle back.

“Feeling better?” Hawke said. Fenris nodded once more. “Good. Do you want to try jogging the rest of the way around the field or do you just want to walk around and home? Either is completely fine you know, don’t feel like you have to push yourself.”

“Let’s walk,” Fenris said. He wanted to jog the rest of the way but he feared he might damage his leg muscles if they kept going like that. This was a lot for them to handle all at once after all.

Hawke grabbed hold of his hand and Fenris felt his heart flutter. It was still early enough that no one would see them. Hawke was watching his face for any signs of protest or discomfort, so to soothe him, Fenris smiled a little at him and squeezed his hand. This was nice. Hawke didn’t feel like he had to be ashamed of being with him, a fact that gave Fenris a surprising amount of comfort. All his worries about being too ugly for Hawke was pushed far back into his mind.

The two of them walked back to the house quietly. There were a few more people around on the way back. Children were getting ready to leave for school, full backpacks on their backs and their parents hugging them goodbye.  A couple more dog-walkers could be seen too. However, no one seemed to pay much mind to them. After all, most people knew of him now.

When they arrived back home, Sebastian had woken up. The smell of a cooked breakfast was wafting in through the halls. Hawke and Fenris spared a glance at each other before their hands slowly slipped away from each other and they headed into the kitchen.

“Welcome back. How did the jogging go?” Sebastian asked, eyes focused down on the bacon sizzling in his pan.

“Good,” Fenris said.

“We jogged around half of the park field. It definitely went well for Fenris’s first time since he’s been home,” Hawke chimed in.

Sebastian smiled and moved to serve the breakfast he’d cooked onto three plates. “That’s good to hear. Now come, eat. You must be hungry.”

He placed the plates onto the dining table and the three of them sat round to eat.

 

“Her name is Hadriana Mayer.”

Aveline had come for another visit while Hawke was at work. Sebastian and Fenris sat together on the sofa as she slid a photo across the coffee table to them. Fenris picked up the small photo first and looked it over. A pale woman with dark hair resting over her shoulders and piercing blue eyes. There was no mistaking it, this was definitely Mistress. He looked up to Aveline for more answers.

“She’s a nurse, or… was. She hasn’t worked in the medical industry for a decade, something I am sure you’ll find of note,” Aveline began. A decade. The time he was kidnapped. “She worked at the same hospital Danarius did and was accused of multiple cases of malpractice. Giving patients the wrong medication and such things. Apparently, all situations were given to Danarius to handle. It seems he covered up the problems, silenced those involved so they wouldn’t sue the hospital, and we can only assume he took Hadriana in under his wing. While I hold no doubts that she was a cruel woman, I have reason to believe that Danarius perhaps manipulated her too. He had all of those cases of malpractice on her after all. But with their combined medical experience, it does not shock me that you survived the… amputation.”

She gestured loosely to Fenris’s missing arm.

“Have you… found her?” Fenris asked. All of this was a lot to take in but it made sense, at least. Though not knowing where she was and if she’d come back for him definitely set him on edge. Sebastian seemed to sense it and he rubbed his arm lightly.

“Unfortunately, no. We found her records but she seems to have fled Kirkwall. She was last seen at Tantervale airport,” Aveline said, shaking her head.

She took another set of pictures out of her file and slid them across the table. These ones featured images from CCTV footage. Though it was hard to make out, it was definitely Hadriana in some of the crowds. She carried a large suitcase as she made her way around.

“Does this mean she’s fled the country?” Sebastian asked.

“As much as I hate to say it, it is likely that she has, yes. She has family back in Tevinter, I can only assume she’s headed there. We haven’t been able to get in touch with any of her family members. If she truly has gone back to Tevinter, that is raises a lot of problems for us. The Tevinter authorities are known to be… difficult. Their extradition laws are sketchy at best and they don’t like working with other countries. No doubt they’ll try and protect her,” Aveline replied.

Sebastian tutted, folding his arms over his chest. It was infuriating to hear. More than anything, he wanted justice for his son. He couldn’t believe there were people out there who would let someone like Hadriana get away with everything she’d done to a poor, innocent man. Fenris deserved so much better than this.

“You’ll catch this woman, won’t you?” he said.

“Believe me Sebastian, I will do everything in my power to catch her and put her to justice,” Aveline reassured him. She reached over to collect in the photographs and put them back in her file. There was a moment’s hesitation before she pulled out another photo. “Fenris. I know you told me before that you have never seen this man in your life but could you just have one last look? This is our only lead and I hate having cases unsolved.”

Fenris looked down at the photo that was handed to him. It was that photo of Lukas Marsh again. He didn’t know what could’ve possibly changed. But when he laid his eyes on the man in the photo, he felt his heart race.

_“That’s it little wolf, now just twist the knife.”_

_Red-soaked hands._

_Master praised him._

Almost instantly, he put the photo back down on the coffee table, shoving it towards Aveline. He didn’t want to look at it again, it was making him feel weird. Visions of that nightmare again? Was it more real than he anticipated? No, it couldn’t be, he didn’t want to believe it.

“I don’t know him,” he said hurriedly.

Aveline pressed her lips together, eyebrows knitted together. However, she knew better than to question him any further. Something was definitely up but Fenris could not be treated like a suspect, not in his state. She tucked the photo away and stood up, tucking her file under her arm.

“Well, thank you for looking again anyway. I suppose I should be on my way, have a good day,” she said, bowing her head slightly towards them.

Sebastian got up quickly to help guide her to the front door. He saw her out, thanking her for her service and waving as she walked out to her car. He let out a long sigh once she’d driven away and returned to the living room.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking over at Fenris who was wringing his hands together. Something about that photo had spooked him.

“I… yes. I’m fine,” Fenris replied.

Sebastian frowned. He couldn’t have sounded more unconvincing but there was no use fighting it. Fenris would tell him in his own time, or at least he hoped so.

“Okay. If there ever is anything bothering you, just tell me. Now, would you like a muffin from the kitchen?” he asked.

“Please,” Fenris said, smiling a little.

He watched Sebastian disappear into the kitchen. Things were getting more complicated, weren’t they? Hopefully things would piece together soon.


	8. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an anxiety-provoking experience in the park, Fenris's battle with Hadriana comes to a conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooh look at me, updating twice in a month! im so proud! anyway, i hope this chapter is satisfying for a lot of you. its tying up one of our loose ends.  
> there's still more to come but i have a definitive number of chapters left now.
> 
> hope you enjoy! thank you for reading and sticking with me!

Fenris and Hawke spent more and more of their mornings jogging together. One of the many things he loved about Hawke was his consideration for others. He took his time with him when it came to his pace and how much he could handle. The praise was nice too. It was hard to tell whether he really was making progress sometimes, but Hawke was always quick to assure him that he was. Slow progress, but it was progress nonetheless. That was all that mattered anyway.

However, it was during one of these jogging sessions that something felt… amiss. Something was wrong. Fenris didn’t know what it was but he could feel something drop in his stomach as he jogged alongside Hawke around the park. It made his skin bristle with goose bumps, his breath hitch.

Something was wrong.

Incorrect.

Bad.

He didn’t like it.

“You okay?” Hawke asked once he saw the paleness of Fenris’s face. The words swam in his ears. He was too focused on the world around him. The obnoxious chirping of birds this early in the morning, the light rustle of the leaves with the wind. Everything was so loud, so much. He had to stop running. “Fenris?”

That’s when he saw her. It was only for a split second. The swish of dark hair, piercing eyes that he could place anywhere. Her lips were thin and tight, jaw clenched.

Hadriana.

Then, like that, she was gone.

“Fenris!” Hawke’s voice again. His arm was around him, but he couldn’t feel it. Pressure, but not touch. Everything was numb, tingling.

Oh. He was struggling to breathe. That made a lot of sense actually. His whole word was spinning with the lack of oxygen. It made him feel sick, stomach swimming with nausea. Hadriana had been here, hadn’t she? He wasn’t crazy. She was definitely there. Shouldn’t they be chasing after her? She was a criminal after all. What if she was going to come after him? She knew where he was.

“Hey hey, Fenris. It’s okay. Breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth, okay? With me,” Hawke said, rubbing his back as he bent double. “In. Out. Come on, with me. In. Out.”

Of course, Hawke had been taught how to handle these sorts of situations. Being with someone like him, you had to. Though, he was surprisingly easy to work with. With their combined efforts, Fenris’s breathing eventually managed to settle. It took him a few moments to get the blood flow going back in his limbs. Most importantly, Hawke was there with him through the whole thing. He offered him a bottle water with the cap taken off and Fenris gladly accepted. A sip of water sounded good on his sore throat right now.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised once he had drunk a fair amount of the water. He handed the bottle back to Hawke and stood up straight. Now he had settled it was easy for him to see that he was in no immediate danger.

“It’s okay but… did something scare you? We’ve done this jogging route tons of times now and you’ve never gotten like that before. What’s up?” Hawke asked.

Fenris’s gaze shifted back to the spot where he’d seen Hadriana. There was no one there now, but of course that would be true. If Hadriana knew that he saw her, there would no doubt be trouble. He had to tell Hawke, he knew that, but his throat had all but closed up. If he told him, would he think he was crazy? He was swallowing rocks here.  So, he shook his head.

“I thought I… It’s nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “Can we go home?”

Hawke didn’t look convinced. Pressuring Fenris on these topics was a dangerous game. It would be so easy for him to slip back into closing up again. He needed him to be open with him and everyone else around him for there to be any progress. They’d been doing so well.

“Are you sure? You can talk to me you know,” Hawke couldn’t help himself. The words were coming out of his mouth before he could think too hard about it. But Fenris just pushed Hawke’s hand off him and stiffened up.

“I know. Let’s go home,” Fenris replied.

The walls were forming. All Hawke could do was nod and walk back to the house with him. They strolled beside each other in silence for the rest of the way. Hawke didn’t want to push Fenris any more than he already had. If Fenris didn’t talk to talk about it, he supposed he couldn’t force him to. But this episode in the park couldn’t go forgotten.

“I’m going to shower,” Fenris said when they entered the house. Hawke watched him wander up the stairs and listened for the click of the bathroom lock.

Once he was gone, he resigned himself to sitting on the sofa. But he wasn’t there by himself for long. Sebastian entered holding a cup of coffee and raised his eyebrows when he saw Hawke lounging there. He didn’t know whether Sebastian woke up on purpose to accommodate for the early hours he and Fenris went jogging, or he was always up this early.

“You’re back early,” Sebastian commented. He made himself comfy sitting next to Hawke. The tension between them had noticeably dropped as of late and for that, everyone was thankful. They both had the same goal: to help Fenris. Fighting each other would solve nothing and only make things more unpleasant for Fenris, so they’d learned.

Hawke wringed his fingers together, eyes downcast. Their jogging session had been cut short by Fenris’s episode in the park. The fact that he wouldn’t tell him what it was that had triggered it bothered him greatly. How was he supposed to help him if he couldn’t find the root of the problem? The nightmares were causing him trouble still, but he insisted that the pills helped. While those bad dreams had definitely set him on edge, he’d never reacted like this before. Sebastian deserved to know about it. He could have answers.

“We got cut short. Fenris has gone upstairs for a shower but he…” Hawke paused and licked his lips. “He had a panic attack at the park. I helped calm him down and he’s fine now but… he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, insisted it was nothing. I’m just worried, you know? I don’t think I did anything or… something like that, but who knows? As soon as I asked he closed up, like he does.”

Sebastian hummed in thought. “That’s concerning. He hasn’t had a panic attack in a long time, something must have really scared him. Did you see anything out of the ordinary, hear anything?”

“No, I didn’t notice anything. Maybe you should try talking to him,” Hawke suggested. He and Fenris had a close bond, of course, they were technically dating now. But for as much as he liked to think that he and Fenris trusted each other, there was something undeniable about the strength of the positive link between father and son. He didn’t mind if Fenris told him later, so long as he told _someone._ This was serious, after all.

“Alright,” Sebastian said. He took a long sip of his coffee and leaned back. If he was going to have this conversation with Fenris, he needed to be relaxed. The last thing he needed right now was to freak out over this. His protective instincts were already kicking in at the thought of Fenris in some kind of danger again, but irrationality would only make Fenris’s walls grow taller.

Hawke nodded at him. “Thank you. I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t rather it be me that he told but I just want him to talk to somebody if something is wrong.”

“I understand. You’ve matured a lot Hawke,” Sebastian replied.

At that, Hawke felt his cheeks flush with red.

 

Fenris padded out of the bathroom, carefully tip-toeing around the creaky floorboards in the upstairs hallway as to not alert Sebastian and Hawke downstairs. The towel around his neck caught all the droplets of water that slid down from his wet hair and he held tightly onto it as a safety measure. He needed space right now, more than anything. Hadriana’s face from the park still haunted him. Simply the idea of being in her presence again was enough to set him on edge. He needed space, but he didn’t want to be alone, just in case something happened. But he knew that if he told Hawke or Sebastian about what he saw, they would only overreact and worry.

The sound of footsteps creeping up the stairs made his body go rigid. Was she here already? No doubt she would find out where he lived. She was coming for him. Hadriana. Who knew what she’d do to him if she got her bony little fingers on him again. She’d grab him, hurt him, push his face into the cold hard floor and mock him. Goosebumps travelled up his arms.

“Fenris?” Sebastian’s voice made him flinch. When he turned to look at him, doe-eyed, fingers shaking around the material of the towel, Sebastian was staring at him with concerned eyes. “Can we talk?”

He observed the stiffness of his body, the way he held onto the towel like a lifeline. Hawke had been right, something had definitely spooked Fenris. At first, he’d been very jumpy, but that was to be expected from a man who had endured ten years of hell. As of late, he’d been getting better. Something had set him back and if he was going to help and protect him, he needed to know what it was. It was his duty as a good father.

“Okay,” Fenris said, though his voice betrayed him. He didn’t want Sebastian to know anything was wrong, not yet.

“Hawke said you had a panic attack in the park,” Sebastian began. Fenris’s gaze shifted downcast. Sebastian took a slow step towards him. “It’s okay, you know. Just because you had a slip-up doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up about it. These things happen. You know that Hawke and I love you regardless. Isabela too. And Aveline is working very hard to keep you safe. So, I can’t make you talk about it, but I think you’d feel better if you did. And all I want to do is help. You can always talk to me. If there’s something bothering you, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to someone.”

Fenris fidgeted on the spot. He could tell Sebastian had chosen his words very carefully, but his own voice felt trapped in his throat still. Even if he wanted to tell him about what he saw, he felt like he couldn’t.

“I… don’t want to,” he managed to say. As he turned away, he tried to ignore the way Sebastian’s expression melted. He pitied him. He hated it. They’d been doing so well, people treating him like a person again. But here it was. All it took was that one little slip up for people to start treating him like he was a fragile vase inches from the edge of the fireplace mantel. He shook his head and locked himself in his bedroom.

Sat on his bed was Penguin. He grumbled and threw himself onto the sheets, scooping up Penguin in his arm and holding him against his chest. Penguin would never baby him or treat him like he was made of glass. He understood him, more than anyone else did. A part of him made him want to spill all his secrets to the stuffed toy, like he used to, but paranoia of being listened to sew his mouth shut.

Sebastian, on the other hand, watched as Fenris slammed the door shut behind him. He sighed, turning and walking back down the stairs to find Hawke. There was no talking to Fenris when he shut himself up in his room. It was unhealthy for him to be cooped up after everything, but forcibly pulling him out of there wouldn’t do anyone any favours either. When he walked into the living room, Hawke’s head instantly turned towards him, the hopeful look in his eyes only saddened him.

“Did you talk to him?” he asked.

“I talked _at_ him, I suppose. I told him that I knew about the panic attacks and when I asked him to talk about it, he completely shut me out. It was like I could feel the barrier he put up,” Sebastian replied and took a seat next to him. “He’s shut himself in his room again. You know he’s impossible to talk to when he gets like that.”

Hawke frowned and stared at the floor. Perhaps it had been too much to hope that Fenris would talk to Sebastian after all.

“I suggest we leave him be for a little while, let him clear his head. Maybe he’ll be more rational,” Sebastian continued.

“Yeah,” Hawke agreed reluctantly.

 

Later, Fenris awoke from his slumber with a gasp. That same nightmare again, with the blood and the knife. He rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes. When had he fallen asleep? Penguin was still nestled against his shoulder. He practiced his breathing exercises to keep himself calm. As he came to his senses, he turned to look at the time. It had been a few hours since he’d come out the shower and seen Sebastian. It was strange, usually him or Hawke would’ve come to bother him when he shut himself in like this. But they’d just… left him to his thoughts, waited for him to calm down. Like an… adult.

He pushed himself up in bed. Maybe he had overreacted after all. They wanted to help him. He couldn’t fault them for caring about him. How they would react to hearing about Hadriana would determine how they truly wanted to treat him. He tucked Penguin in the sheets of the bed and rose to his feet.

His stomach growled. Right, food. That was something he needed too. After all, he hadn’t eaten any breakfast. He stepped down the stairs and looked around before the smell of pasta reached his nostrils. The kitchen. He peeked in the doorway and saw Sebastian stood over a pan, stirring pasta, while Hawke chatted to him, leaning back against one of the counters.

“Hey Fenris,” it was Hawke who noticed him first. He beckoned him to come into the kitchen and he obeyed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Fenris grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I… I’m sorry for shutting you both out earlier. I want to talk about it, if that’s okay with you.”

Sebastian set down the wooden spoon and turned his body towards Fenris, shooting him a smile. “Of course. First though, you should eat something. You didn’t have any breakfast, did you? There’s enough pasta here for all of us and it’s almost ready. Eat and then we can talk. Does that sound okay?”

“Yes,” Fenris nodded.

It only took a few minutes for the meal to be ready. Sebastian dished out three plates and they took them into the dining room to eat. Fenris had been getting used to eating with one hand, but he figured he would still prefer two if he could have it. While he ate, he listened to Hawke and Sebastian make small talk. Once they were done, Sebastian scooped up all three plates and put them in the sink.

Fenris’s heart raced. He knew that when he came back from the kitchen, he was going to have to talk. He said he would. Sweat was gathering on his palm. Hawke suggested they all sat down in the living room where it was comfy. They all ended up huddled on the sofa with Fenris nestled in the middle. Fenris was surprised at just how… _safe_ he felt between them.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Sebastian reminded him.

“I… When Hawke and I went for our jog, I saw… Hadriana. Or I think I did. It was just for a second and it was definitely her, she disappeared around the side of a building. And I… freaked out. I didn’t know what to do or… how to tell you, I didn’t want you to worry,” Fenris explained slowly. His fingers clenched the material of his jeans, head bowed. It sounded even worse coming out of his mouth. Hadriana. He didn’t want to know how Sebastian’s or Hawke’s face looked right now.

“Fenris that’s… are you sure? Are you sure it was her?” Hawke was the first to speak. He gently placed his hand on Fenris’s shoulder, trying to prompt him to look at him.

He hated this. It made him sound like he was crazy. Maybe he was. There was no way for him to really know whether what he saw was real or not, it could’ve easily been a hallucination. But why would it happen now, all these months after his escape? It didn’t make any sense and he didn’t know what to believe.

“It was definitely Hadriana. Whether she was… real or not, I can’t say for sure. But it was definitely her,” Fenris said.

Sebastian and Hawke shared a glance over Fenris’s head.

“I understand,” Sebastian said. “Do I have your permission to tell Aveline about this? She can arrange a search of Kirkwall, just in case. If it amounts to nothing, then it does, but if Hadriana really is back in Kirkwall then there’s a good chance we might be able to catch her.”

“Okay,” Fenris agreed, voice soft. Sebastian smiled at that and stood up, pulling his phone out of his pocket and stepping out of the room so he could call Aveline.

Hawke wrapped his arm slowly around Fenris’s shoulders and pulled him towards his body. Fenris did not tense, like he usually did, and instead just leaned his head against Hawke’s chest and sighed, trying to focus on the way Hawke’s fingers rubbed in small circles against his arm. He was so lucky to have both him and Sebastian through all of this.

 

As suggested, Aveline set up a search party to track down Hadriana in the instance that she was in Kirkwall. The anxiety of it made Fenris feel nauseous, but there wasn’t a lot that could be done. Everyone was relying on his word and he didn’t even know if he had truly seen anything worthwhile. Those people could be working on a case more urgent than his. He was safe here, Hawke and Sebastian never left him home alone. However, while the search was being conducted, he and Hawke had to stop their daily jogs. A shame, considering he enjoyed getting the fresh air. Hawke promised him that they would return to their jogging as soon as they knew it was safe for him to be out. And thus, he was stuck indoors until it was over.

His doubts were only heightened a day later. Hawke had left for work in the morning and allowed him to remain asleep curled up in bed. It was just him and Sebastian in the house when he woke. A stomach growl told him to get some breakfast so he pushed himself out of bed and headed for the stairs. That was when it happened again.

At the bottom of the stairs. Hadriana, staring up at him with her piercing eyes. The sight almost had him slipping down the stairs. Breath caught in his throat, he took a step back and rubbed his eyes. When he looked again, she was gone.

He put his hand on his chest as he tried every technique he knew to steady his breathing. She was gone. He was fine. But the lingering doubts that any of this had been real had gained more sustenance now. What was he supposed to do? They were going to find nothing. All that effort for nothing. Perhaps he would tell Sebastian to call Aveline and tell her to stop the search.

“Fenris?” Sebastian called him over when he reached the bottom of the stairs. “Hey. Come in here, I have good news.”

 Good news? Fenris curiously walked into the dining room where Sebastian was sat with an empty breakfast plate and a glass of orange juice still half-full on the table. He had a smile on his face, eyes bright. It only made Fenris more suspicious. He took a seat next to him.

“What is it…?” he asked. He still had goose-bumps from the experience with Hadriana at the stairs, but he was willing to hear Sebastian out.

“Aveline called me late last night, they caught Hadriana,” Sebastian said.

Fenris’s whole world slowed down. That quickly? He was tempted to pinch himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Did that mean what he’d seen was real? Hadriana had come back to Kirkwall. She really was going to come after him? Finish what Danarius had started?

“What?” was all he could say. Sebastian chuckled.

“I know, I could hardly believe it either. They’re holding her at the station right now. They caught her trying to leave her house, apparently she thought she’d thrown off the authorities enough that she could come back to Kirkwall and collect the last of her things before she went back to Tevinter,” he explained. Fenris kept blinking owlishly at him as he heard the story. “We would’ve never caught her if it wasn’t for what you saw. Aveline thinks there will be a good case against her to put her away for a long time. There is one thing though.”

Fenris pressed his lips tightly together. “What is it?”

“If possible, Aveline says you should testify against her in court. Everyone in Kirkwall knows about your story. With your confirmation and accusations, she’d stand no chance,” Sebastian said. “But you have some time to think about that, there’s no rush right away, they’re trying to get Hadriana to confess as much as possible right now.”

“I… understand. I will think about it,” Fenris replied.

It was a daunting thought, having to go up there and tell everyone what Hadriana did to him in that basement. As well as playing a part in keeping him there and her cruelties, he was sure that she had a part in amputating his arm too. There was plenty to be said about her, plenty that would get her put away if the judge believed him. But this was a boundary he hadn’t even been able to cross with his therapist yet. It would require some thought.

“In the meantime, we should celebrate. Hawke’s only working a morning shift, I figured that when he came back, I would go get you some apple pie. We can spend the day doing whatever you like,” Sebastian suggested. A smile spread on Fenris’s face.

“I’d like that,” he replied.

 

The three of them spent the day indoors, watching movies and relaxing. Both Sebastian and Hawke were happy to see Fenris eat half of the apple pie they bought. His appetite was definitely coming back, and the exercise he’d been getting with all the jogging helped with that too. For just a little while, Fenris felt at peace. It was that happiness that made him realise what he had to do.

After speaking with his therapist the next day, Fenris decided to go through with the testimony against Hadriana. It wasn’t going to be easy to relive those things, but he knew it would be for the best. They couldn’t risk Hadriana getting away with what she did because he was afraid. If she was put away, he didn’t have to be afraid anymore, right? Hawke brought him a glass of water as he wrote down everything he needed to talk about. It didn’t have to be too long, but he needed to cover everything for the best chance.

As time passed and the court date got closer, Fenris became more and more anxious. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he was going to say and how everybody would react. Without Hawke and Sebastian by his side, he didn’t think he would’ve been able to go through with this.

“You’ll feel better when it’s over,” Hawke told him on the day of the court session. He rubbed Fenris’s shoulder soothingly and shot him a smile. Fenris shuffled with the paper in his hand and sighed. Everything had been prepared and was ready to go. “Also, might I add, you look very handsome in that suit.”

Fenris’s cheeks flushed with pink as Hawke reached out to adjust his tie. He’d needed assistance to dress this formally but it was worth it. Was that the first time Hawke had called him handsome since he’d been back? Self-doubt and self-consciousness nibbled at the warmth in the pit of his stomach at the compliment.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. Hawke gave his shoulder another squeeze before they walked into the court room.

It wasn’t easy. Fenris occasionally felt his voice cracking, sometimes the words were tough to get out at all. He couldn’t stand to look at the jury until he was done. This was a prime opportunity for everybody to pity him, to look at him and see a victim rather than a person. But when he looked up, it wasn’t as bad as he thought. Nothing ever seemed to be.

Hawke had been right too. Walking out of that court room felt… good. The way Hadriana had looked at him with eyes that could kill made him bristle, but from where he stood, surrounded by friends and family who supported him, it felt like she couldn’t touch him. He floated in a bubble of safety where her grimy fingers could no longer harm. And it felt _good_. A weight had been lifted from his chest.

The trial lasted several days but by the end of it, Hadriana was declared guilty and given a long sentence in prison, just as Sebastian had predicted. It was cause for celebration. Fenris didn’t even mind when Hawke and Sebastian wanted to pull him into their arms.

“Wine, Fenris?” Sebastian offered as they finally calmed from their initial high.

“No thank you,” Fenris shook his head. There were still things to heal from, things that he supposed he might never want to indulge in again. His experiences had changed him, but didn’t time change everyone? He was happy just being glad that he could be with the men he loved.

However, he had a feeling that things weren’t quite over yet.

 

_“You’re a pathetic,” Smack. “Worthless,” Smack. “Disgusting piece of work.” Smack._

Fenris awoke from his nightmare in a cold sweat. He sat up and panted. Would they ever leave him be? It seemed his nights were doomed to be sleepless. As he grumbled, Hawke stirred in the bed beside him. It was trouble for him too, being woken up by him every so often.

“Same nightmare?” he asked, rubbing his eyes as he sat up and turned to Fenris with concern.

Fenris shook his head. “No. It was Hadriana this time.”

“Oh,” Hawke said. He shuffled up closer to him, the blankets pooling in his lap, and he wrapped an arm around his shoulders like he always did. “I’m sorry you keep having to relive all this. But at least she’s been put away now, right? You’re safe here, she can’t come after you. She’s gotten what she deserves.”

“Yeah,” Fenris breathed. He leaned his head on Hawke’s shoulder.

“I’ll hold you if you want to go back to sleep,” Hawke said. “Don’t worry about me. I admit, I am quite awake now but…”

“No, it’s fine. I’m awake too. Could you just… sit with me for a while?” Fenris asked.

Hawke smiled. “Of course.”

He reached over to turn on the lamp on the nightstand so they weren’t staring into nothingness, though Fenris’s gaze was still locked on the blank wall in front of him. He thought that being cuddled up to Hawke like this would make his heart stop racing but it… wouldn’t. Hawke was so warm and he smelt… good. Like safety, like home. He had no reason to be sticking around with him, he could’ve moved on with his life, and yet he waited for him all this time. Never did he stop worrying for him. He should’ve never doubted that he cared.

His gaze flickered up to his face. He wasn’t the same teenager he remembered, the two were very similar of course, but age was written on his face. Yet, he could appreciate it in a whole new light now. Hawke was a beautiful man, inside out, from the dusting of freckles on his cheeks and honey pot eyes to his dorky sense of humour and his kindness. Just thinking about it made his body tingle. He could’ve had anyone with a face like that but this was what he chose, to be here with him in this bed, soothing him through the nightmares.

“I’m really glad you came back,” Hawke mumbled, snapping him out of his thoughts. “I would’ve spent my whole life waiting for you, the idea that you might not have lived through what you did really scared me. I blamed myself for a long time for what happened but I… I know I can’t spend my life dwelling on that. I’m just really glad you’re here.”

Hawke wasn’t sentimental often. He had a knack for covering up his real feelings with humour. Fenris’s throat felt dry. He reached out to put a careful hand on his chest.

“I am glad you are here too,” he said. Their eyes met, heartbeats thrumming. “Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.”

“Fenris…” Hawke whispered.

It felt right. The time was right.

In the dim light of the lamp, their breathing seemed to synchronise. Fenris’s hand slid up and around the back of Hawke’s neck and pulled him towards him. Hawke’s lips were warm, though chapped, and he let his eyes flutter shut as he drank him in. He did not push him away this time. Their feelings were raw, real, genuine. Hawke did not pity him.

When they pulled away, they spent a moment just staring at one another. This was how things should be, Fenris couldn’t help but think.

“That was nice,” Hawke blurted out. Fenris couldn’t help a smile.

“It was,” he said. “I’d like to do that more often. And get some sleep, I think.”

Hawke reached up to brush some of the hair out of Fenris’s eyes, palm lingering on his cheek as he admired him and his sleepy expression. “Sounds good to me.”

The two of them fell asleep shortly after in each other’s arms. Fenris’s dreams were not ridden with nightmares this time, but lingering touch of Hawke’s lips upon his.

It was one of the best sleeps he’d had in a while.


	9. So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian bestows a gift upon Fenris that changes his life. However, an old memory comes back to haunt him just as things seem to be getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh im sorry for the wait! but here we are, with another RES chapter. im fairly confident that ill finish this fic this year haha, hopefully this summer! but we'll see. 
> 
> anyway, this chapter is also dedicated to my good friend @gothic-princess-witch who's birthday is tomorrow. happy birthday!
> 
> if you enjoy my work please consider heading over to my tumblr where my commission info is as well as a link to my ko-fi to donate! 
> 
> enjoy! :)

Hadriana being locked up had definitely made things easier on Fenris. If it wasn’t for the nightmares still plaguing him, he’d say that things were actually going pretty well. He and Hawke had crossed boundaries he’d thought were unattainable and home life was peaceful. Every morning he would go for a jog with Hawke, eat breakfast and shower when he got home, he was starting to form a routine. It was a comfortable life for the most part.

“Fenris?  Can you come into the living room?” Sebastian asked him one day while he was putting away dishes. Hawke was at work and nowhere to be seen so Sebastian was the only one home with him. He nodded and put down the dish he’d been holding so he could follow him to the sofa in the living room.

“What is it?” he said.

Sebastian smiled at him, wide and honest. Fenris searched his face for clues of what this conversation might be about.

“I wanted to talk to you about something. It’s… important, so listen carefully,” Sebastian said. Fenris nodded whilst Sebastian took a deep breath. “Ever since the day I adopted you, I’ve been putting money away to send you to college. My inheritance helped a lot. All I wanted was the best for you and I… never gave up on you even when everything happened. So, I never touched the money. It’s still stashed away. Of course, some of it went to your care and for private therapy. There is still a lot left and I thought that maybe there was something I could offer to use the money for.”

“Such as?” Fenris asked.

“There are some tasks that are still difficult for you, so I wanted to see what you thought about getting a prosthetic. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, but I know how you lament about struggling with things. You’ll have as much time to think about it as you want but I think you should consider it. I’ve looked into it and there’s some crazy technology out there these days. Granted the more complex you go, the more expensive it will be to get everything set up. However, we have the funds to do that. Fenris, if you want this, you can have whatever you want,” Sebastian continued.

Time seemed to slow down as Fenris processed this information. He could have a prosthetic, a new arm. Given how professionally his arm was severed, they might even be able to make use of some of his existing nerves. It would take work to get used to it, he’d almost gotten used to having just one, but it was an open door he wanted to go through.

Before he knew it, tears were rolling down his cheeks. He quickly reached up to wipe away the tears, rubbing at his cheeks furiously but to no avail. All he had wanted was to be normal again, for everything to be normal, and this was a chance at making things slightly better. The day Sebastian picked him up to adopt him was the best day of his life, he couldn’t imagine a better father.

As he sniffled, Sebastian pulled him into his arms. Fenris rested his forehead against his chest, getting everything out. He was a grown man and he was bawling like a child. Yet, everything felt _right_.

“I’ll take that as a yes?” Sebastian said, laughing lightly as he rubbed his back. Fenris nodded quickly against his body. “Okay, we’ll spend some time looking at our options whenever you’re ready.”

The two rocked there for a little longer, until Fenris was all out of tears. He pulled back slowly, but not entirely, and looked up at Sebastian with pure adoration.

“I love you dad,” he said, voice a little hoarse.

Sebastian smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Fenris’s head before he spoke: “I love you too, son.”

 

Hawke had input on the decision of what prosthetic to get as well. It took some time to come to a conclusion, with Sebastian calling people and making plans. They needed to know the ins and outs of all of their options and to see other people’s results. Then eventually, they found the perfect company. They would be able to use some of Fenris’s pre-existing nerves to allow what Hawke called ‘super cool brain control’ as a means of moving his new arm. However, it did mean that if Fenris wanted to remove the arm, it would have to be done professionally. It was there to keep.

Naturally, he had the jitters on the day before his fitting. They’d ran tests and prototypes to try it out, and after some time, they had crafted an arm specifically for Fenris. With the advanced technology, it didn’t look anything like a real arm, but Fenris didn’t mind. The last thing he cared about was people knowing that his arm was a fake, all he wanted was the ability to carry out tasks easier again. The professionals seemed more than happy to help him. Since they were having to travel across the country for it, Fenris was relieved to hear that in fact, people hadn’t heard of what happened to him. Though the story had to be told anyway, it was a nice change of pace.

Fenris sat in the back of the car with Hawke. The radio played pop songs quietly alongside the rumble of the vehicle. It was a long drive to the facility, and they were stopping in a hotel for the night before they went for the fitting in the morning. His head rested on Hawke’s shoulder, hand squeezing his. He was glad to have him by his side for this, Hawke’s support proved to be touching even now.

“Nervous?” Hawke asked, rubbing his thumb against Fenris’s knuckles.

“Of course,” Fenris replied bluntly. Why wouldn’t he be? This was the arm he was going to be stuck with indefinitely, unless something was seriously wrong. They were paying a lot of money to get him this. All of the tests had been fine up until this point, but Fenris couldn’t help but worry regardless.

“It’ll be alright. You’ve waited a long time for this and it’s gonna be great. You won’t even have to stand on my left every time to hold my hand anymore,” Hawke said.

They both laughed a little at that. Hawke’s light tone and humour were appreciated in times like these, it definitely made things easier.

“But seriously Fenris, you’re the strongest man I know. I really do believe you can do anything,” Hawke continued, voice softening slightly.

It made Fenris’s heart thump, butterflies freaking out in his stomach like a teenager all over again. Truly, it was nice to have crossed the biggest hurdles with him. This way, he felt at ease leaning in, pressing a kiss to his lips. Hawke responded eagerly, cupping Fenris’s cheek as he let himself enjoy the moment.

“Boys, I love you both but please don’t make out in the back of my car,” Sebastian’s voice had them breaking away from each other. They could see him peeking at them through the mirror, and their cheeks flushed like beetroots.

“Sorry,” Hawke apologised, grinning and scratching the back of his neck sheepishly.

Fenris could only look down and smile, his face red up to his ears. He wished he could tell his past self that this day would come, where he would be sat in the backseat of a car, worrying only about being caught kissing his boyfriend by his dad. It was so trivial compared to the horrors he’d worried about before, and for that he was grateful. As he mused, Hawke leaned over to steal a quick kiss on the cheek. Ever the miscreant, he thought.

It was a long drive, but he didn’t mind.

They arrived at the hotel by evening and checked in. Sebastian handed over one of the key-cards to Hawke and gave him a firm nod. They’d booked two rooms, one for Sebastian, and one for Fenris and Hawke. Fenris was far too used to sleeping beside Hawke now to part from him. It would be strange sleeping away from home, but he’d assured everybody that he would be fine.

“No funny business,” Sebastian told Hawke, making him laugh and blush. Being scolded like this was nice even though they were adults, Fenris thought, none of that special treatment anymore where he was considered to be broken and sensitive. “Really, get some sleep. I’ll knock for you two in the morning, okay? We need to leave by 9 for the fitting.”

“Yes dad,” Fenris said.

“Okay. Goodnight boys,” Sebastian gave him both a pat on the shoulder. Fenris and Hawke said their goodnights to him too before scampering off to their own room.

After ordering in some food and watching a movie, they retired to bed. Hawke was first to fall asleep, face nestled in the back of Fenris’s head and an arm slung over his waist. Fenris however, wasn’t feeling tired just yet. He was still thinking about the fitting in the morning. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. However, the insomnia might’ve been a blessing in disguise. With so much on his mind, he wouldn’t be surprised if a nightmare poked through tonight. He sighed and reached for his phone on the nightstand, finding two unread messages.

_[To: Fenris / From: Isabela] hey!! heard u were getting ur arm fitted tomorrow. Congrats!! and good luck!!_

_[To: Fenris / From: Isabela] merrill and i r gonna come c u soon if its all good 2 u sweetie :)_

Hawke must’ve told her, Fenris thought. Not that he minded of course, he would’ve told her eventually. The thought of seeing her again was nice too, it had been a little while now. Hopefully, he would have at least some control over his arm by the time that happened. As he thought about it, he typed out a reply.

_[To: Isabela / From: Fenris] sounds gud. thx :)_

No one said he was a very good texter. He placed the phone back down on the nightstand and pulled the covers up to his chin. Hawke’s sleeping form barely protested with the movement, he was glad he didn’t wake him. He needed to get some sleep of his own. So, he closed his eyes and hoped for the best.

 

As promised, Sebastian came knocking for them in the morning. Luckily, he had managed to get up and shower before he arrived. They were ready to go save for putting on their shoes. The three of them headed out when they were ready so they could drive to the building for Fenris’s fitting, which wasn’t too far. They were escorted to a familiar room by the young receptionist, who bowed before she left them. The big moment was finally here.

The process took a little while, and as such, Sebastian and Hawke had decided to go get a snack for breakfast while they waited, but not before making sure that Fenris would be okay left alone. It wasn’t often Fenris was without Hawke or Sebastian by his side, but this he could manage. He knew the people handling him fairly well, with all the visits he’d been having. They brought Fenris back a muffin, which he thanked them for and promised he would eat it after everything was done.

Once everything was set up, everyone watched in anticipation as Fenris willed his arm to move for the first time. When it did, there was a collective cheer from everyone in the room. Fenris couldn’t help but laugh a little, he could hardly believe his eyes. It wasn’t long ago that something like this seemed impossible, but here he was, able to move a prosthetic arm. Sebastian and Hawke pulled him into their arms, showering him in praise and kisses, of which he appreciated. They thanked Prosthetist profusely, ever grateful for the new opportunities Fenris had been given now.

Mastering the use of his new arm had given Fenris some trouble over the coming weeks, but the way he managed to pick things up as he went was remarkable to most everyone he knew. He was a fast learner, that was for sure. Soon enough, he was dressing himself and eating with a knife and fork with ease.

“You seem a lot happier,” Sebastian said fondly as he watched Fenris pour himself a hot chocolate. He cupped the mug in both hands and took a seat next to Sebastian at the table.

“It has not been easy getting to this point but I… I am,” Fenris replied. He stared down into the swirl of the liquid in his mug. “And I’m grateful for everything you and Hawke have done for me. It doesn’t feel like long ago I couldn’t ever imagine getting here.”

Sebastian shook his head. “We love you Fenris, very much. There isn’t a thing either of us wouldn’t do to help you.”

Fenris didn’t reply, only smiled and took the first sip of his hot chocolate. Moments later, the doorbell rang.

“Must be Isabela and Merrill,” Sebastian said and got up from his seat. “I’ll get it.”

The two women had arranged to come visit. They had wanted to come earlier but had been respectful in giving Fenris a bit more time to handle his new prosthetic, something Merrill in particular was very excited to see. Fenris hadn’t seen Merrill since everything had happened, but she sounded as chipper as ever from the background noise when Isabela called the previous day. It would be nice to see her again, even though the two of them hadn’t gotten along very well in high school.

Sebastian swung the door open and sure enough, Isabela and Merrill stood there smiling. He opened to door wide enough for them to step inside.

“Hi Mr. Vael!” Merrill chirped, bowing her head a little towards him.

“I’ve told you Merrill, we’re all adults here. Sebastian is just fine,” Sebastian said, laughing a little. He closed the door behind them and guided them to the kitchen where Fenris was drinking.

“Oh yes,” Merrill said as she and Isabela followed him.

At the sound of the footsteps, Fenris looked up from his mug. Isabela was a familiar sight, but Merrill had definitely changed. She’d always had such a childlike face as a teenager, but the age was more evident now. Her hair was much longer, falling down to her chest in one long braid.  What was it with everyone and growing their hair out? She still had that air about her though, that positive glow. It seemed that she and Isabela were still very happy together.

“Hi Fenris! It’s so good to see you, I’m sorry I hadn’t come sooner, I’ve just been so busy. You look well though! How are you doing, oh please, tell me everything, how’s the arm?” Merrill babbled, pulling up a chair and sitting beside him.

Isabela laughed a little and put a hand on Merrill’s shoulder, rubbing it gently. “Take it easy, Merrill.”

“Sorry! I’m just so excited,” Merrill replied, grinning sheepishly. Fenris couldn’t help but smile. For a while he had worried that his friends might’ve forgotten about him, but it was nice to hear they still cared, even after all this time. Even someone like Merrill was happy to see him.

“It’s alright,” Fenris assured her. “I’m quite well. I’ve finally got a good handle on this so it’s… nice,” he moved his prosthetic around with ease. “It’s made my life a lot easier.”

Merrill watched him move with fascination, big green eyes twinkling. She reached out to touch it but held back momentarily, meeting Fenris’s gaze as if asking for permission. He nodded, outstretching the arm towards her and letting her put her dainty hands on it.

“Oh wow,” she said. “I expected it to be cold but it’s not. You can tell it’s not… well, not _real_ , no offense, but it’s cool!”

A little a while ago it would’ve bothered Fenris to be poked at like this, prodded like a science experiment, but he knew Merrill’s intentions were only ones borne of curiosity. Besides, the technology behind it all was pretty awesome, he’d give it that.

“And you can use it to do most things now?” Isabela chimed in, following her wife’s lead to give the arm a little touch.

“Yes. It’s not perfect but I can get everything I need to do done without any help. It’s changed my life,” Fenris said, nodding. It really had, and it was easily the best investment Sebastian could’ve made. Had things been different, he couldn’t imagine he would’ve appreciated going to college half as much as he appreciated this addition to his life.

Merrill and Isabela stayed for lunch, they made a lot of small talk and caught up on everything new going on their life. Isabela was scandalised to hear that he and Hawke were back together and he hadn’t told her. He’d laughed it off, but just talking about Hawke that way made his stomach feel warm. He was thankful to have him. When Isabela left for the bathroom, Merrill told him in a hushed whisper that they were considering a new addition to the family – a child – but Isabela still wasn’t sure. They’d make great parents, Fenris knew that, but he understood Isabela’s hesitation. She had never been the type to have children.

Fenris and Sebastian saw them out when it was time for them to go, waving as they walked back out to their car.

“It was nice to see them, don’t you think?” Sebastian said, waiting for them to get in and drive away before stepping back into the house.

“Yeah,” Fenris agreed.

 

“How did your session go today?”

A few days later, Hawke watched Fenris comb through his hair in the bathroom, staring into the mirror. Fenris hummed, momentarily distracted by the length of his hair. He needed to get it cut again, it was getting a bit longer. It was only when Hawke came up next to him that he registered that he’d been asked a question.

“Oh, it was okay,” he said. “My therapist doesn’t think I’ll have to go for much longer, unless I relapse in some way.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Hawke sighed. He made sure Fenris was watching him as he put a hand on his waist, before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

Fenris had come so far since the state he’d been in when he’d first seen him. He was a healthy weight now, and with all the exercise he was getting, some of his muscle was starting to come back. The prosthetic had done wonder for some of his self-confidence too, even though he still shied away from undressing in front of him. He held his head a little higher, met his eyes a little more. It was progress and he couldn’t be prouder of him. He was certainly stronger than he would’ve ever been in his shoes.

“I need a haircut,” Fenris said, snapping Hawke out of his daze.

“We could make an appointment with Orana tomorrow,” Hawke suggested. Fenris nodded.

They remained like that for a little while longer, in intimate silence. Fenris could see Hawke’s eyes on him in the mirror and he wondered what he was thinking. He wanted to shy away from his gaze, embarrassed that he would even spend the time to look at him for this long. There was a nagging part of him that kept telling him that Hawke thought he was ugly, disfigured in some way, or simply delusional. It had been minutes and he still had his hand on him.

“Why do you look at me like that?” Fenris asked.

Hawke was taken aback by the question, blinking owlishly. “Like what?”

“Like… I don’t know, like I’ve got the stars in my eyes,” Fenris said, cheeks heating with frustration as he tried to collect his thoughts. He didn’t know how to better articulate what he meant. Eventually, he turned to look at Hawke, properly. “I don’t get it. There are… There are so many things wrong with me. I want to believe you don’t pity me, you wouldn’t, but I don’t understand why you keep looking at me like that, for so long.”

“Fenris…” Hawke began but Fenris quickly cut him off again.

“And you… you’re always putting your hands on me. It frightened me a bit at first but I… It’s okay, I don’t want you to stop, but I don’t get it. You… _want_ to put your hands on me?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Even though I can’t… I might never…”

“Listen to me, Fenris.”

“Won’t you get bored? Won’t you want it eventually? And I can’t… if I can’t give you that then… won’t you want to go seeking for it elsewhere? I’m just not the right _fit_ Hawke, I’m not whole, I’m—”

“Fenris.”

Hawke’s tone was a little firmer this time, but not enough to frighten Fenris. However, he slowly fell silent, looking up at Hawke with doe-eyes.

“No matter what you’ve been told, no matter what you think, I think you’re beautiful, okay? Beautiful and handsome and… not even just that, you’re smart and wonderful and… I have never loved someone like I love you. I can’t lie to you, it’s hard sometimes, I want to show you just how much I care about you and shower you in affection but I would never, _ever_ , do anything that would upset you or make you uncomfortable,” Hawke told him. He reached out to put his hands on Fenris’s cheeks. “I don’t care if you never want to go any further than what we have now. Believe me, I am flattered every time you want to kiss me and every time you want to cuddle with me. You don’t have to let me do those things, but you do. You’re the only man, the only person on this planet that I ever want to be with. You. Only you.”

A silence fell back over them. Fenris didn’t know what to say, how to act, how to respond to the fact that Hawke didn’t mind any of the things he worried about. It was too much. Maker, he was going to cry. He had to look away, Hawke couldn’t see this. Tears were bubbling and eventually raining down his cheeks.

“Oh no, Fenris, did I say something wrong? I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Hawke quickly panicked at the sight of the tears, trying his best to rub some of them away with his thumbs. Fenris shook his head.

“No, you didn’t, you said… you said everything right, you idiot,” Fenris babbled, pushing his hands away lightly and rubbing the tears away himself. When he managed to look at him again, Hawke looked relieved. Relieved and perfect.

He reached up and cupped the back of Hawke’s neck, drawing him into a kiss. Hawke was eager to receive, pressing back into his lips. Fenris couldn’t push the words out but he loved him, loved him like he’d never loved before. Even as a teenager, he knew, he could feel it in his gut, that Hawke was the only one for him. To have him again, like this, even with everything that had happened, was a miracle. Destiny had intertwined their fates and nothing would ever separate them.

Before he realised what he was doing, Fenris had pushed Hawke up against the bathroom wall. His hands were sliding down Hawke’s firm chest, his body pushed up against his as their kisses became slightly more heated. Hawke’s hands found themselves on Fenris’s hips, squeezing gently. It only spurred Fenris on further, a passion he’d had sealed away for far too long. Hawke drove him to do some crazy things. He wanted to kiss him until their lips were swollen, until they melted into one being. He loved him, oh Maker, he _loved_ him.

“Hey,” Hawke said breathlessly once they had briefly parted. It gave Fenris pause, eyes fluttering back open to look at him. “As much as this is very nice and makes me very tempted to do things your father most definitely wouldn’t approve of, we should slow down, before this gets overwhelming.”

“Yes, you’re… you’re right,” Fenris said, nodding and pulling back from Hawke’s body. He straightened himself out, brushing out the creases in his shirt. His cheeks were definitely hot, his body more sensitive than it had been in a long time. Hawke drove him crazy, that was for sure. He could never tell him that though, far too embarrassing.

Hawke smiled lazily at him. “Come on, we should head to bed. You think you can keep your hands to yourself?”

He was _teasing_ him. What a cruel, cruel man. However, he appreciated it, the normalcy. Fenris huffed, cheeks only darkening.

“Yes. Let’s go.”

 

_A man sat across from him. Short brown hair and dull eyes. There was something familiar about him but he couldn’t quite place it. Where had he seen him before? A photograph?_

_Danarius’s fingers._

_Combing._

_Brushing._

_Running through that short brown hair. It didn’t make sense. Danarius, his master, he liked his hair long. He made him grow it out, combed it like he was doing to this other man. What about this strange man enamoured him so? Anger, seething jealousy burned in his chest. How could he be discarded like that, so easily, in favour of another man? He wouldn’t be abandoned, he wouldn’t. No one would stand in his way._

_“Does this make you angry, little wolf?” Danarius cooed._

_Does it?_

_Maybe._

_“Do you want to hurt him?”_

_“Yes.”_

_The words left him far too quickly. He wanted to though, he wanted to reach in and pluck the man’s very heart from his chest, so he knew how it felt. His master with another man. He hated it, he couldn’t stand it. He was Master’s and Master was his._

_His._

_Danarius chuckled and beckoned him closer with a simple hand gesture. He obeyed, as with all things, crawling on his knees like the obedient little pet he was. Anything for his master, anything to keep him placated, anything to make him pay attention to him and not this other man._

_“Good boy,” Danarius praised him fondly._

_Yes. Please._

_More._

_More praise._

_“Please no,” the man pleaded. How he could he deny such a gift from Danarius?_

_His vision dulled, blackened. Where was he? A place far from here, far from anything. Danarius’s hands on him, all over him. He had him, he’d always had him. Caged, choking, melding between his thighs and places he didn’t want them. Master wanted him. Only him._

_Something wasn’t right._

_Hot._

_Blood._

_It was so red, oh, it was so red. It was all over his hands. Everywhere._

_“That’s it little wolf, now just twist the knife.” Danarius’s voice again. He remembered this, he remembered it clear as day._

_Wake up, Fenris, this is a dream, a nightmare._

_His hands moved, he twisted his knife by its handle. Danarius had given him it, coaxed him, fed his anger and jealousy until he felt threatened. To survive, he had to get rid of the threat. This man. The threat. He would do anything to not be forgotten._

_Don’t forget._

_Forget._

_Fenris would never be forgotten._

_“You’re such a good boy.”_

_Yes. Yes, he was a good boy. Master praised him. He yanked the knife out, the hot gush of blood splattered covered his hands, splashing onto his cheek. It burned and burned. Anything for Master._

_Anything._

_The lifeless body of the man dropped to the floor with a thud. Eyes dull. Skin cold. He did that._

_He did that._

_Bile was pooling in his throat, and the knife clattered to the floor. His body shook violently and before he knew it, vomit was tearing him up, spilling out onto the floor. How could he? An innocent man, one who had done nothing wrong, nothing to him. He was a monster._

_Monster._

_Master’s Monster._

_“Oh calm down, it’s just a bit of blood pet,” Danarius scolded him. No. No, he wanted Master to be proud of him. But he couldn’t—he couldn’t!_

_Danarius sighed and raised to his feet, leaving him alone with the body. This was all his fault. It felt like hours he waited for him to return, shielding his eyes and nose. It made him want to retch again, until his throat was sore. He couldn’t look. He did that. He._

_“We’ll start over,” Danarius’s voice again accompanied by heavy footsteps. He came back for him, of course he did. He would never leave him here all alone, because he was his Master and that’s what he was supposed to do. No one else mattered._

_“Master.”_

_Master?_

_The hard stab of a needle throbbed in his neck and before long, things went black._

It was morning when Fenris awoke in yet another cold sweat. He trembled, more so than he had ever before from a nightmare. Things were different now, he remembered. He wiggled out of Hawke’s hold and hurried down the stairs. How was he ever supposed to live with himself knowing what he knew now? With the speed he was going, he almost slipped down the stairs, but eventually, he managed to get to the kitchen.

“Dad,” he said, panting. He couldn’t keep this to himself, there was no way. The guilt would eat him up inside, destroy him, it was already ruining him. There was one person he knew he had to tell, even if the consequences were dire. He had to.

Sebastian sat at the table, newspaper in hand and some toast on the plate in front of him. He quickly noticed the colour drained from Fenris’s face, the shaken expression. Something was wrong, very wrong. He hadn’t seen Fenris look so upset in a long time.

“Fenris, what’s wrong—”

“Call Aveline. I-I need… I need to talk to her.”


	10. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris has to make a heavy choice now he's told the truth about Lukas, but it's a burden he doesn't have to carry alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo it hasn't been a whole month! i consider that a success.
> 
> i had some fun writing this chapter, but i had to do a bit of research before i could write it. we're so close to the end now, it's getting emotional.
> 
> anyway, enjoy!

He’d been so ready to explain everything, to let it all out, but now Aveline was actually sat before him, Fenris had lost all his words. Hawke had woken up moments before Aveline arrived and joined the group. Both he and Sebastian were watching Fenris closely, anticipating what he could possibly have to tell Aveline. Fenris’s heart thumped hard in his chest, his throat closing in and trapping his words there. This was so much harder than he thought.

With a deep breath, he began to explain his nightmare.

After he finished, he exhaled once again. It was all out there now. He looked down at his hands in his lap, not wanting to meet anyone’s gaze. The room fell silent as everyone drank in what Fenris had confessed to them. It wasn’t a good sign. Eventually, Aveline spoke up.

“Fenris I…” she stammered. “Do you realise how serious this is?”

Fenris looked up at her and found furrowed eyebrows and folded arms over her chest. There was a twinkle of sorrow in there though. Hawke put a hand on Fenris’s back and rubbed small circles in hopes of comforting him but nothing was settling his nerves.

“I mean, if I go and tell my superior officers about this, they’ll want to arrest you,” Aveline continued.

“Arrest him? He’s not going to prison,” Sebastian spoke up. As dire as this situation was, there was no way he’d allow Fenris to go to jail. He knew he’d never get better there and right now, he needed support. “Surely, you can’t. He was under duress, he—”

Aveline shook her head. “Duress doesn’t cover this. When it’s kill or be killed, in the eyes of the law, you’re expected to die a hero.”

Another round of silence fell over the group. Fenris wanted to eat his words, stuff them back down his throat. The idea terrified him – going to court again, being sentenced to prison, who knows how long he’d stay there? He wouldn’t see his dad, or Hawke, or any of his friends on a regular basis. He’d even have to get a new therapist.

“What are we supposed to do?” Hawke asked.

“Well, aside from Fenris’s word, we have no evidence. Unless Fenris confessed to his crime, there is nothing we could charge him with, there’s no substance there,” Aveline explained. She rubbed her temples in contemplation, knowing that Fenris’s very future depended on how she handled this situation. “Look, I’ve been following this case since I was a teenager. I care about this, about your well-being and safety, Fenris. I didn’t put Hadriana away for the fun of it. I also care about settling the grief of Lukas Marsh’s family. You have the power to do that. So… I’m going to propose something. It goes against everything I’ve thought good and righteous, but this is a complicated situation.”

Fenris licked his lips and fidgeted. “What is it?”

“You can either confess to the murder of Lukas Marsh, go to court and trial, and likely serve a prison sentence, or you can… tell me that Danarius did it. He had a hand in it, I have no belief that you would’ve done anything to harm that man without his influence. You are the sole piece of evidence in this case. You will still have to give a statement, just like you did for Hadriana’s case. But I cannot tell you that this path would be easy, you will have to live with the guilt of lying, to authority and to the victim’s family. If you can handle that, I would recommend it.”

Sebastian reached over to take Fenris’s hand in his, squeezing it lightly. There was an understanding in the air, everyone knew this was not an easy decision. Fenris didn’t want to go to prison, even though he knew he deserved it, for what he’d done, but the weight of that lie was going to be on his shoulders for the rest of his life.

“I will let you think about it. Please, give me a call if you come to a decision,” Aveline said, standing up and brushing the dust off her lap. She collected to her things and Sebastian stood up to show her out.

Hawke turned to face Fenris. “You can’t go to prison Fenris. Even if you plead insanity, they’d send you to an institution and I don’t think you should be there either.”

Fenris grumbled at that, burying his face into his hands. What was he supposed to do? How would he ever live with himself, no matter what he chose? There was nothing he could do about it now, he’d told Aveline what happened and what happened had…well, happened. He wished he could repress the memory, push it back into his subconscious where it would no longer bother him. However, he supposed he owed it to Lukas Marsh’s family to do something about it. He knew how everyone had felt when he’d gone missing. They were likely going through the same things.

Footsteps echoed from the hallway. Sebastian re-entered the room with a glass of water. He placed it down on the coffee table before Fenris and joined him and Hawke. They all formed a collective hug around Fenris, who melted slightly into the touch.

“You know we’ll support whatever you choose Fenris but please, I do not wish to lose my son again,” Sebastian said.

“But I… I still did that to him. I murdered him, I’m a murderer! I’m a… I’m a bad person, I need to be locked away, what if I hurt someone again?” Fenris stuttered, his breath hurried and coming in short bursts.

Those were familiar signs of Fenris on the brink of a panic attack. Hawke and Sebastian quickly did their best to help him calm down, rubbing his back, combing their fingers through his hair, and shushing him. The hyperventilation turned into hiccups of tears, spilling down his flushed cheeks.

“You’re not a bad person, Fen. You’re not going to hurt anyone. In fact, you’re going to get through this, like everything you do, because you’re so strong,” Hawke said, wiping some of the wetness with his thumb. Fenris sniffled and brushed his hand away so he could clean up himself.

“He’s right you know,” Sebastian chimed in. “You can do this.”

Fenris nodded. It was going to be a long night.

 

Everyone had decided to sleep on the decision, though Fenris found himself not doing much sleeping. He feigned it until Hawke fell asleep beside him, and then stayed awake staring at the ceiling. The haunting nightmares of Lukas Marsh were sure to sway his decision but he had a bad gut feeling that they would not leave him once he had made one. They would only torture him further and remind him of his transgressions. He rolled onto his side, curling up in the sheets as if it would bring him some kind of solace.

He knew that Sebastian and Hawke believed every word that came out of their mouths, that they truly believed in him. Why was it so hard to convince himself of the same thing? They shouldn’t want him, they should be afraid of him and everything he was capable under the right circumstances. Of course, this all had to happen when he thought he and Hawke might have a chance at a normal relationship.

Pushing himself out of bed the following day on very little sleep was hard. He went with Hawke on their regular morning jog and then Hawke had to get ready for work. No one was expecting him to make a decision right away, but Fenris felt like he needed to choose something before it ate away at him for too long.

Aveline was taking a huge risk in even offering that second choice. If it was found out that she’d lied, it could ruin her career. However, she seemed more than willing to do that for him, something he could admire in a person. Things would be dropped if it was revealed that Danarius had killed Lukas, as no one could charge a dead man. There would no doubt be non-believers anyway, people who would think him too far out of it to make a sane judgement on the matter. He knew what he had to do.

“I’ll lie,” Fenris told Sebastian over lunch.

Sebastian put down his cutlery and looked at Fenris over the table. Everyone had wanted Fenris to make this decision, but they had been doubtful he would. Fenris had a good moral compass after all, even with everything he’d been through.

“As long as you’re sure. I want this for you, I want you to stay with us, but it is a lot. You can never tell your therapist the truth, you do know that?” Sebastian said.

“I know,” Fenris said firmly, his fingers trembling slightly around his fork. “I wish I could tell the truth, I owe it to Lukas’s family but… it’s for the best, isn’t it? For me, for us, for this. I’m… allowed to be selfish sometimes, even if it means carrying the weight of my actions.”

Sebastian reached across the table to put his hand on top of Fenris’s shaking one. He met his gaze and held it, wanting Fenris to know his every word was genuine.

“You don’t have to carry that weight alone. Hawke and I will help you carry that weight, do not let it burden you too much. We know this secret and we will take it to the grave with us,” he told him. Fenris swallowed roughly. “I think you’re making the right choice. I know the law says one thing, but a murder committed under duress is a sin on the one who ordered it, not the one whose hands carried out the deed. I do not think you are guilty, Fenris.”

“Thank you,” Fenris whispered. Sebastian smiled at him.

“Hawke will be relieved to hear the news. He doesn’t want to lose you, he loves you,” he said.

Fenris squeezed Sebastian’s hand. “Yeah.”

And sure enough, Hawke was happy to find out that Fenris was going to be staying. He had hugged Fenris, squeezed him in his arms and kissed his cheeks. All of it made Fenris feel slightly more at ease. He had a home here, one that helped him through everything, even this. A while back, he wasn’t sure he could’ve dealt with a situation like this. Maybe his dad was right, and God had given him only chunks at a time that he could handle. What that meant for his future, he didn’t know.

By evening, they had called Aveline and told her Fenris’s decision. She promised them that she would handle as much of it as she could and would be in touch soon.

 

As with all court trials, it was a slow process. Fenris was shaking in his boots when he gave his statement, but it at least sounded like it came from a terrified victim. Soon enough, Lukas Marsh’s case was closed and a funeral was to be held in a week for a body they didn’t have. Truthfully, Fenris couldn’t remember what had happened to Lukas after everything that had happened. He assumed that Danarius had disposed of the body some way. Maybe they would find it someday, maybe they wouldn’t.

The important part however, was that Fenris was not charged for anything. He would be able to continue his life with Hawke and Sebastian, even if the guilt would be hanging on him. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to bear the burden of it alone. He felt it was his duty to attend the funeral however. Hawke and Sebastian were going to come along with him, for support.

On the day of the funeral, Fenris stared in the mirror at the suit Hawke had picked out for him. They had matching ones, except for slightly different ties. His was a plain black, whilst Hawke’s had grey stripes on it. In a different universe, it might’ve been the same suits they would’ve picked out to marry in. He shook the thought from his head. Marriage was a whole boat he couldn’t even imagine sailing right now, for as much as he loved Hawke.

“You look very handsome,” Hawke told him, rubbing his shoulder. Fenris wasn’t sure he believed it, but he nodded anyway and turned to look at Hawke.

“As do you,” he said. Hawke grinned at him and put his hand out for him to take. He took it, linking their fingers together as they descended down the stairs to where Sebastian stood at the door, swinging his car keys.

It was only a short ride to the ceremony. Lukas Marsh had apparently lived in Kirkwall his whole life, though Fenris had never seen him before the incident in Danarius’s basement. In fact, throughout the ceremony he was learning lots of things about him that he didn’t know. He spent a lot of time in bars and liked to gamble. That made sense, Danarius had picked him up in a bar too. However, hearing all of these things about Lukas that made him so explicitly human made Fenris’s stomach twist and turn. He had to keep repeating to himself in a mantra that he would never do something so violent ever again, that he wasn’t that person anymore.

Fenris listened quietly to the priest as they lowered the empty casket into the ground. His heart felt empty, eyes glazed over as he watched. Did he even deserve to feel sorrow? To his right was Lukas’s aging mother, bawling for her child, and a young woman stood by her side, rubbing her arms. He faintly recalled her as being Lukas’s younger sister. There were a few more people dotted around, friends and more distant relatives. Overall, it was a small ceremony. Fenris couldn’t help but wonder how it compared to the funeral they held for him, once upon a time.

As everything came to a close, Fenris took a deep breath and steadied himself for leaving. It was over. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to dwell too much on this part of his life. Just as he thought everything was done, a voice called out to him.

“You!” the shriek of a woman. Fenris turned around and saw Lukas’s mother being restrained by the young woman, the sister, tears pouring down her wrinkled face. “You let him die! My baby boy, you let him die!”

“Hey, hey, stop,” the young woman tried to shush her crying mother, pulling her shaking fists as far away from Fenris as possible.

There was a lump in Fenris’s throat that he couldn’t swallow down. All of this had been so much easier in theory. He had to bite his tongue, there was nothing he could stay to this poor woman grieving for her son. His stomach wrenched at the thought that his own dad could’ve easily been in her place. He watched as the young woman tore her mother away from the scene, letting her sob openly into her arms as they walked away.

“Janine gets like that. She’s just upset, she doesn’t wish you any harm,” a young man this time approached Fenris. Hawke bristled by his side, inching a little closer to Fenris. “I just wanted to thank you. We’re all heartbroken to hear about Lukas, but at least we have some closure.”

“Ah… yes. I am sorry for your loss,” Fenris replied. It was what Sebastian had told him to say in the off chance someone approached him in the ceremony, so it came out more easily than anything else. The young man smiled at him, if a little sadly.

“Thanks. Take care,” he said, nodding at the group and walking away.

Fenris, Hawke, and Sebastian all exchanged glances. That situation could’ve been handled a lot worse, so they knew they should be grateful. Sebastian gestured towards the car and the three of them made their way home, where they could forget.

Lukas’s mother’s words still haunted Fenris. He sat on the edge of the bed on the evening of the funeral, staring down at the floor. _You let him die._ Worse than that, he thought, he killed him. All the attendees at the funeral would’ve happily ripped his head from his neck if they had known the truth. It was probably a good thing that they didn’t. Was he some kind of monster for even thinking that? He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

“That was one hell of a day,” Hawke said, joining Fenris on the bed. He cautiously put his arm around Fenris and was relieved to see him lean into the touch and rest his head on his shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Why aren’t you afraid of me?” Fenris asked.

That gave Hawke pause. He looked down at him and cocked an eyebrow. “What?”

“I killed someone with my own two hands and you’re not afraid of me. Any sane person would be.”

Hawke pressed his lips together and paused. The silence gave Fenris doubt, something dropped in his stomach. Maybe Hawke was afraid of him after all, maybe he had just been putting a brave face on this whole time. Any moment now, he’d unravel himself from his body and confess that he’d been terrified of him all along.

“If I told you the truth, I’m not sure how much you’d like it,” Hawke said eventually. Fenris took that as a confirmation of his suspicions.

“I want to hear it,” he said.

Hawke took a deep breath. “Okay, well, the truth is… I don’t really see you in that basement and you right now as quite the same person. Let me elaborate. I think most people are capable of horrible things if they’re pushed to it, under the right circumstances. I don’t think you’re any less of a person because you were pushed there. The things he did to you Fenris, they were… horrific, beyond belief. The fact that you’re as put together as you are is remarkable to me. I’m as much afraid of your capability to do bad things as I am afraid of myself, or your dad, or Isabela or Merrill, you get the idea. You weren’t yourself back then, you were manipulated and put under some… truly horrible circumstances. And I can say that because I know you. I know what a strong person you are, how you’re intelligent, beautiful, funny, and there’s just so many things I love about you I could go on forever. I accept every part of you, whatever you think, and I will tell you this until you believe it too.”

Fenris was taken aback. This wasn’t the first time Hawke had said such nice things to him but it was still overwhelming to hear. Perhaps he needed it, needed the reassurance time and again. After all, he was told he was less than nothing for a decade. That was sure to take its toll on him. He shuffled into Hawke’s arms, grumbling a little as he rested his cheek on his chest.

“I don’t deserve you,” he said. Hawke chuckled a little and ran his fingers through Fenris’s hair softly.

“Don’t say that. I’m just happy I can make you happy. We deserve each other,” he replied.

It was then that Fenris was reminded once more how much Hawke had grown since he was a teenager. Back then, he probably would’ve made a modest quip about how he didn’t deserve him either or found some way to put himself down. It was admirable how he’d matured in that department, recognised some of his self-worth, and used it to try and bring him up too.

“Let’s get some rest,” Fenris mumbled. Hawke nodded and pulled them both into bed.

They fell asleep together, wrapped up in each other’s arms and content. It had been a long and stressful day, they deserved this much.

 

Aveline had gotten a lot of praise for her work on Fenris’s case, and Lukas’s too. She was even promoted to captain. Fenris had a lot to thank her for. Their time working together had come to an end, as the two cases were officially closed. Aveline had promised them that if they ever needed anything again, she was just a phone call away. When Fenris had expressed an interest in doing something nice for her, Sebastian suggested giving her some flowers.

As Fenris picked out some flowers, it made him remember just how fond of gardening he once was. It was something he thought he might like to take up again, as it was within his grasp now. He made a note to mention it to Sebastian later. Once he found a bouquet he liked, he and Sebastian made their way over to the police station as a surprise.

“For you,” Fenris said, placing the flowers on her desk. Aveline looked up and smiled. The two of them exchanged thanks before Aveline hesitantly pulled Fenris into a warm hug.

“You’re a brave man, Fenris. Don’t ever forget it,” she told him, rubbing his back.

Fenris nodded. He and Sebastian said their goodbyes and left the police station feeling warmer in their hearts and souls.

 

“Don’t torture yourself with that stuff,” Sebastian commented, looking at Fenris rove his eyes over the newspaper while he ate his morning cereal. The headline talked about Lukas’s funeral and the reveal of what happened. It pained him to hear them spread false facts about the events that took place, but he knew that was bound to happen with everything that had been decided.

“I just wanted to know what they said about me,” Fenris said.

His name was mentioned in the article, talking about how he’d come forward to reveal the truth about Lukas’s death and had the dignity to attend his funeral. The article framed him in a surprisingly positive light. There was no way they could’ve possibly known what was going on in his head after all. He had just about finished reading when Sebastian whisked away the newspaper to have a look for himself. Judging by the way he raised his eyebrows, Fenris could assume he was surprised by the positivity too.

“Hopefully this’ll be the last of it,” Sebastian said, folding the newspaper. “Hawke’s not with you this morning?”

“He’s still asleep,” Fenris replied, shovelling another mouthful of cereal into his mouth. Sebastian hummed. “I’ll check on him once I’ve eaten.”

It wasn’t unlike Hawke to sleep in until the late morning. He could be a little lazy when he could afford to. Today was a day off from their morning jogging sessions anyway – something he’d gotten remarkably better at as of late. Once he’d finished his cereal, he picked up the bowl and spoon and carried it into the kitchen to wash up. Then, he headed up the stairs to find Hawke.

“Hawke?” Fenris called out when he walked in. The curtains were still drawn and Hawke was huddled in a bundle on the bed. He couldn’t see his face from this angle, but it was reasonable to assume he was still asleep. Quietly, he padded over to him just to make sure things were okay and nudged his shoulder slightly.

He jumped back when he realised Hawke was awake. He looked up at him and sniffled.

“Morning,” he said, voice a little croaky. Fenris’s eyes narrowed.

“Are you sick?” he asked.

“Nooooo,” Hawke replied.

Fenris wasn’t convinced, not in the slightest. He put his hand on Hawke’s forehead and found it burning. “You’ve got a fever.”

“Do I? That’s a surprise,” Hawke mumbled.

“You look terrible.”

“You do know how to charm a man, Fen.”

That made Fenris roll his eyes. “You sit up. I’ll bring you a glass of water and painkillers. Maybe something to eat?”

“I’m not hungry,” Hawke complained.

“Just a slice of toast. At least try to eat it,” Fenris said. Hawke groaned but nodded.

Fenris hurried back downstairs and into the kitchen. He poured out a glass of water and grabbed some painkillers from the cupboard. It was likely just a cold, but Fenris’s heart was leaping out of his chest, anxiety coursing through his veins. What if it was something more serious? What if Hawke was going to _die_? Should he be taking him to the hospital? He shoved a slice of bread in the toaster and set it off, pacing from corner to corner of the kitchen.

“Everything alright?” Sebastian asked him from the doorway.

“Hawke’s sick,” he told him. “I’m bringing him painkillers and breakfast. I think… it’s just a cold, but I don’t know.”

“Colds are common this time of year, I’m sure he’s fine. It’s sweet of you to take care of him,” Sebastian mused. Fenris’s cheeks darkened into a deep shade of red and Sebastian chuckled, waving him off as he left him.

It wasn’t long before the toast popped, making him flinch. That never ceased to freak him out a bit. He carried the toast he’d prepared alongside the water and painkillers upstairs to Hawke. Like he’d asked, Hawke had shuffled to sit upright in the bed. The covers were still drawn over his body, all the way up to his chest where he held them close. Fenris walked over and placed the items on the nightstand next to him.

“Here,” he said.

He watched Hawke carefully as he leaned over and washed down the pills with a swig of water. Hawke eyed the toast with disinterest, but Fenris was locked on him like a hawk. He supposed he could manage a bite just for him. It was worth it for the way Fenris smiled at him when he picked it up and began nibbling at it.

“You are definitely not going into work this afternoon you know. You’re staying right here where I can… look after you,” Fenris said.

“Yes sir,” Hawke grumbled, clearly not in the mood to argue.

Fenris idly reached out to push some of Hawke’s hair away from his sticky forehead. It was amazing how much he was sweating when he claimed to feel so cold. Perhaps some people would be grossed out by the notion, but Fenris loved Hawke far too much to care about such trivialities. Hawke looked up at him, eyes twinkling with affection. It made Fenris want to lean in and just…

“Don’t,” Hawke croaked. Fenris pulled back. “You’ll get sick too.”

Given the conditions he’d been in and the poor diet, Fenris had gotten sick more than a few times when he was with Danarius. It was something he’d had to struggle through alone, being sick didn’t give him a break. Maker knows, Danarius never had any plans of taking care of him particularly. It was a miracle that he was still alive. From it, he learnt that he never wanted anyone to suffer alone, even through a cold. He would be here for Hawke every step of the way.

His sentimental thoughts came to swift end when Hawke opened his mouth again.

“I gotta shit,” he mumbled. Fenris couldn’t contain his laughter. He covered his mouth with his hand and took the toast away from Hawke to put it back on the nightstand.

“Charming,” he said. Hawke flashed him a weak, but cheesy grin as he pushed himself out of bed so he could stumble to the bathroom.

Fenris spent most of the week taking care of Hawke, making sure he had everything he needed so he could get all the sleep and rest he needed. He had been forbidden from going into work and Fenris watched as he called in sick. It was a relief to have his mind off something other than Lukas. Getting Hawke to eat was the hardest part of looking after him, but he got in the odd bowl of soup or some crackers. Luckily, by the end of the week he seemed to be showing signs of getting better. He had been on his way back from washing some things in the kitchen to join Hawke on the couch when he sneezed abruptly.

“Fen?” Hawke called, looking up at him. Fenris grabbed a tissue from the box next to Hawke. “Oh, you’re getting sick too, aren’t you? I warned you!”

“I’m not sick. It was just a sneeze,” Fenris said, tutting.

Hawke looked doubtful but invited Fenris to join him on the couch. He sat beside him and they continued to watch the silly rom-com Hawke had chosen to watch. When Fenris began to shiver slightly, Hawke took the blanket wrapped around his shoulders and encased Fenris in it too. He was more than happy to snuggle up to him where it was warm. Even when he wasn’t sick, Hawke radiated heat like an oven. He supposed it had something to do with all the thick hair all over him.

The Maker sure did have a cruel sense of humour. By the end of the day, Fenris felt like crap and he was the one bed bound with a fever. Hawke had been right, he’d warned him that spending too much time around him would make him ill too. He didn’t listen and now he was writhing in the sheets. The delirium was getting to him.

No one. Alone. Who was going to look after him now? He’d been sick and alone before, he could handle it, surely. He tried to focus on the softness of the sheets, the covers wrapped around him. Still cold. He had so many layers on, but still cold. Better than being naked and on the cold stone floor, he supposed. Anything was better than that.

A hand brushing his hair out of his eyes snapped him out of his haze. He looked up to see Hawke, sat on the bed beside him, their position reversed from when Hawke had initially gotten sick. What a wonderful sight he was. Honey pot eyes looking down on him adoringly, a smile on his lips. From here, he could see the scattering of freckles over his face. It was easy to be distracted by them.

“You were freaking out for a second there,” he said softly.

Fenris grumbled. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise,” Hawke replied. He cupped his cheek. “I told your dad that you’d gotten sick looking after me. He smiled and said it was just like you. For all you put yourself down, you can be so selfless, you know? I really like that about you. It’s a sweet quality.”

Until just now, Fenris didn’t think his cheeks could get any hotter. Hawke always had a way of doing that.

“You took care of me, now it’s my turn to do it for you. Your dad will be here too, to look out for you. It’s just a little thing but… we’ll always be here for you, you know? You never have to do anything alone if you don’t want to,” Hawke told him.

Fenris closed his eyes and leaned into his hand. Of course. He was learning that more each day. Never again, would he suffer alone.

“Thank you,” he mumbled before sleep overcame him.


	11. Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke break new ground in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! it hasnt technically been a month since i posted the last one.  
> i wanted to get this one out a lot earlier but ive gone through a lot of shit the last few weeks, stuff that's been very upsetting and hindered my drive to write. 
> 
> but here we are, one chapter from the end. oof. it's almost over. the next one will be the last.  
> for now! enjoy some... borderline nsfw.

Life would never be normal. That was a fact that Fenris had accepted long ago. With everything he’d been through, it was a miracle that he was able to stand on his own two feet. Hawke and Sebastian had taken care of him through his cold (he refused to accept it as the flu) and things were returning to normal. Normal being regular visits to his therapist and the occasional peaceful night’s sleep without nightmares. It was manageable, and if he lived the rest of his life like this, he would get by.

Hawke and Sebastian had gone out together, leaving him alone in the house. A part of him was incredibly flattered that they trusted in that he would be fine on his own, something they wouldn’t have done a few months ago. The other part was suspicious. They had refused to tell him what they were going out for, other than a simple “need a few things from the store”. He wasn’t an idiot and he could tell when they were lying.

In the meantime, he had gotten a shower. He spent a little longer in there now he didn’t feel pressured to get out of the bathroom so other people could use it. After he dried off and wrapped a towel around his waist, he padded into the bedroom to retrieve his clothes. It was then he paused before the full-length mirror. Normally he avoided looking at himself. He never liked what he saw. However, given his growing relationship with Hawke, he figured that maybe he should try and come to terms with everything. Things had gotten heated that one time, and if he could, he figured he’d like to repeat it.

When he stared back into his reflection after dropping the towel, he was surprised to see how much had changed. He was no longer the skinny little mess he used to be, when he first arrived home. In fact, he looked a lot healthier than he thought. His ribs weren’t visible, his cheeks were full, he looked… functioning. There was a thin layer of muscle there too. Perhaps that was something to work on.

It was a shame about the arm though. His fingers traced over where his prosthetic was attached, feeling out the scarring there. He would never be allowed to forget what he went through. The nightmares were bad, but proof of his history was painted all over his body. From the prosthetic to the tattoos on his back to each tiny scar littered across his skin. Hawke had told him that he would love him no matter what and Fenris knew he should be counting his blessings for that, for he couldn’t imagine anyone else loving him like he did.

He walked over to the dresser to retrieve a fresh pair of boxer-briefs. By the time he slid them up over his hips, there was a knock on the door.

“Fenris?” Hawke called.

His heart pounded. How would Hawke react if he saw him like this? Ever since he’d come home, he’d shied away from revealing himself to him. He was his boyfriend, his lover, and yet he was afraid. Such trivialities probably wouldn’t matter to Hawke, but there was still a lingering doubt. In a mantra, he told himself that Hawke would never leave him. Hawke wouldn’t mind. But there was… only one way to truly find out.

“Come in”, he said after a deep breath.

The doorknob turned. Hawke stepped into the room and his eyes found Fenris, still stood clad only in the underwear he had retrieved. He stopped, drinking in the sight of him for mere seconds before putting his hands over his eyes and turning away.

“You should’ve told me you were—I’m so sorry,” he babbled.

_He didn’t want to see him._ Fenris’s insecurities were bubbling up in his eyes. It was so bad, he couldn’t even bear to look at him. He walked over to him quietly and reached up to peel Hawke’s hands away from his eyes. It was a risk, but he needed to know for sure. Hawke was reluctant to move but did with enough tugging.

“I asked you to come in,” Fenris said flatly. “I wanted you to… see me.”

“Oh,” Hawke breathed. Fenris couldn’t help but notice that he sounded a little…excited. What was he supposed to make of that? He took a small step back.

Hawke’s amber eyes were all over him, but he didn’t say anything. Fenris shifted on his heels, wondering what he was thinking. Did he meet his approval, his standards? Hawke closed the gap between them and took his cheeks in his hands. Fenris watched him carefully but realised he didn’t have to worry as Hawke leaned in to kiss him. He held onto his arms, giving way to the motions as the kiss deepened slightly. Once they parted, Fenris’s cheeks flushed. That was a bit headier than he anticipated. He looked up at Hawke, hoping that his expression would give away his secrets.

“You’re gorgeous,” Hawke said softly, rubbing his thumb over Fenris’s cheek. “Thank you. I understand this is probably hard for you and if you’re uncomfortable, you can put your clothes on but… you could walk around all day like this and I would have no complaints.”

He laughed a little and it made Fenris’s shoulders relax. So… he approved then. Hawke liked him, _desired_ him, even despite everything that was wrong. A part of him wished that he wasn’t such a good man who respected his every boundary, wished he would do more to take as he pleased so he didn’t have to dwell in his own insecurities.

“I am… happy to hear I meet your approval,” he said.

“I could stand here and tell you that you shouldn’t have to. That my approval doesn’t matter, but I’m sure you know that deep down,” Hawke replied, prodding at Fenris’s chest lightly. “I do think you’re very handsome though,” Fenris smiled. It was enough to be satisfied. Hawke soon continued speaking. “But I came up here to invite you downstairs. Your dad and I have set some things up for you. Get dressed and meet us down there, okay?”

Fenris nodded. Hawke pressed another quick kiss to his lips and waved at him as he walked out of the door. Fenris stared for a moment longer, thinking about the butterflies in his stomach. He wished he could take things to the next step with Hawke, but what step was that? They had time, but the stirring between his legs was telling him that he wanted more sooner rather than lately. He quickly shook the thought and grabbed some clothes to put on. They were waiting for him.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he could hear mumbling and hushed whispers coming from the living room. Not just male voices, there were definitely female voices too. Was that Isabela? She could never be too quiet. He walked inside and found everybody crowded around the coffee table, shielding whatever was on it with their bodies. In the living room stood Hawke, Sebastian, Isabela, and Merrill. He’d heard footsteps when they’d arrived, but he didn’t expect so many people.

“Hi Fenris!” Merrill chirped, grinning and waving. Fenris cocked an eyebrow, looking towards Hawke and Sebastian for answers.

“You know what day it is today?” Sebastian asked, taking note of Fenris’s clearly confused expression. Fenris pressed his lips tightly together in thought. Was there something special about today that he’d forgotten? It didn’t matter though, because Isabela was quick to tell him the answer.

“Your birthday sweet thing!” she said.

Fenris blinked owlishly at the group as they parted to reveal a cake sat upon the coffee table. It was a quaint cake, covered in chocolate icing and decorated with strawberries. Behind the cake was a selection of wrapped gifts and suddenly, Fenris understood why Sebastian and Hawke had insisted on going out without him. It was supposed to be a surprise. He appreciated the lack of loud noises, no one jumped out and yelled at him. It was a quiet party, one with just his close friends and family. Perfect.

“Oh,” he said. “So it is.”

There was laughter amongst the group. Sebastian picked up a knife and gestured for Fenris to come over. “I thought you might like to cut into your cake. The birthday boy gets the first slice after all.”

Fenris took the knife from him and everyone watched him as he cut the cake into equal slices for everybody, with one extra. Sebastian handed him a small paper plate that he could put his slice on. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten his own birthday. That made him what… 29 now? So close to 30 already. He hadn’t been able to celebrate his birthday in a long time. It certainly never happened while he was with Danarius. Was the last one really his 18th?

“I’m going to put some music on!” Isabela announced as she hurried to do.

It didn’t take long for the room to be filled with music and chatter. Everyone sat around together to talk amongst themselves and eat the cake that had been provided. Fenris had swooned at the way the chocolate cake melted in his mouth. He even allowed himself to be fed a strawberry from Hawke’s slice of cake. Hawke had clearly not been expecting him to take it from his fingers from the way he sputtered and blushed. Isabela and Merrill told Fenris about their day, about some of their recent anecdotes, and Isabela’s crude humour had everyone laughing.

As everyone finished up their cake, it was Hawke who was first to get up and walk back over towards the coffee table. He picked up one of the wrapped gifts from the small pile that had accumulated there and took it back over to Fenris. It was plainly wrapped, a large amount of tape sprawled across it. Fenris assumed that Hawke must’ve wrapped it himself, he never was too good at that.

“For you,” Hawke said. “Everyone got you something but I… figure that I’d start the train and give you your gift from me first. I don’t have anyone else’s gifts to live up to going first.”

He laughed a little nervously. Fenris smiled and took the gift from his hands. Eyes were on him while he pulled the wrapping apart. The red material that laid underneath soon started to peek out from the tears in the paper. Fenris’s fingers dug in to pull it out from the wrapping.

“A scarf?” he asked.

“Let me,” Hawke said. He pried the scarf gently from Fenris’s hands and wrapped it around the back of his neck before tying it. The material was soft against his skin and fit snugly around him. The brightness of the red was unlike most colours he wore, but it had come from Hawke. “I… bought you one similar once before, I don’t know you if you remember. But you lost it not too long after your 18th and I always told myself that I was going to buy you a new one. Then… everything happened, and I never got the chance. But here we are.”

It was a memory that Fenris could faintly recall. That scarf had meant a lot to him and he’d forgotten that it had been misplaced, but now it was all coming back to him. He brought the scarf up to his chin and took a deep inhale.

“I remember,” he said softly. Hawke smiled, the heat in his cheeks only rising at the sight of Fenris snuggled into the scarf. It was everything he’d hoped for.

He leaned in towards him and pressed a kiss to his lips, much to the cheering of Isabela and Merrill by their side. In the meantime, Sebastian got up to retrieve his gift. It was sweet to see how far Fenris and Hawke had gotten with their relationship, but he was still uninterested in the business of seeing them make out. They had parted by the time he returned with his present. It was smaller than Hawke’s and more rectangular in shape. Fenris cocked an eyebrow as he took it from him and pulled apart the paper.

Inside lay a leather-bound journal. It had a shimmering lining of gold and several floral patterns engraved into the brown cover. Fenris couldn’t help but note how beautiful it was. He carefully opened it and thumbed through the blank pages, feeling out the good quality of the paper.

“Since there are… things you cannot tell your therapist, I thought it might help if you wrote things down. Or you could use it as a dream journal. I know you have bad dreams, it might be a good idea to write them out. No one is going to see it unless you want them to. It’s… up to you. I just thought you might like it,” Sebastian explained. Fenris ran his fingers over the cover.

“I love it… but—” Before Fenris could finish his sentence, Sebastian placed another wrapped item in his lap. He hadn’t seen him collect more than one. Fenris silenced himself and tore open the new gift.

When he finally peeled away the wrapping, he found a black glasses case. Upon snapping it open, there lay a pair of black-rim glasses with purple-tinted lenses. Fenris smiled to himself when he saw them. He’d been diagnosed with Meares-Irlen Syndrome at a fairly young age and the addition of the glasses had made it easier for him to make his way through school even despite his reading difficulties. However, he hadn’t worn in a pair in a long time.

“Don’t worry, they’re your prescription,” Sebastian said.

“Put them on!” Merrill chirped.

Fenris slipped the glasses on, staring back at everyone through a purple-tinted world. Merrill, Isabela, and Hawke all seemed to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ at how well the glasses suited his face and what a good fit they were. Fenris could only smile and blush before taking the glasses back off.

“Thank you, dad,” he said.

Sebastian pulled Fenris into his arms, giving him a long, warm hug. After all the years he’d spent lighting candles for cakes to honour Fenris while he was gone, it was beyond wonderful to be able to hold his son for once. He would cherish every moment with him, never let him go. He was his son, his beautiful son, and even through everything, the Maker had found a way to give him back to him. No more birthdays had to be spent alone.

“You’re welcome,” he mumbled, slowly letting Fenris slip out of his arms.

“My turn then!” Isabela announced, breaking the sombre mood. She marched over to the coffee table and retrieved a box which she placed in Fenris’s lap like everybody else did. Fenris could tell that Merrill had wrapped it as it was finished off with a pretty bow. Isabela had never had the patience for such things.

After uncovering the box, Fenris fished out a book and a small bottle. Isabela’s smile rose into a grin as he retrieved his glasses and read what was written on the front of the book.

“The Book of Massage: The Complete Step‑by‑step Guide…” Hawke read aloud from Fenris’s side. “Isabela, what?”

She laughed a little at the confusion. “Oh sweetie, I’ve seen and heard the way you two have been looking at each other. But I understand there’s intimacy problems there, which is perfectly fine, but if you two are anything like you used to be, you’ll want to remedy that. I thought a massage might be a nice way to heat things up.”

It was almost like Isabela knew what happened in the bedroom earlier that day. Fenris huffed as his cheeks turned pink. Sure enough, the bottle in his other hand was a bottle of massage oil – citrus scented. She was more perceptive than most people acknowledged, always wanting to help, even if she got her own kicks out of the idea of him and Hawke being intimate. However, he couldn’t help but be interested by the idea. Hawke putting his hands all over him, over his skin… it was an arousing thought, if a bit scary. Could he handle that? What did Hawke think?

When he looked over at him, his face had turned red too and he was avoiding eye-contact. While he was clearly embarrassed, it was hard to tell much else. Maybe it was a silly idea after all.

“Thank you, Isabela,” Fenris said after clearing his throat. He set the book and oil down with the journal.

Merrill was next. She planted a neatly wrapped gift in Fenris’s lap. This would be the last one. He put the torn wrapping in the growing pile of trash and straightened out the items within. It was a collection of t-shirts of varying colours, although they were plain they were rather bright. The material was nice though, he hummed as he ran his fingers over the material.

“You always wear such drab colours, I thought you could do with something to spice things up a bit,” Merrill clarified with her ever-chipper tone. She beamed at him, wiggling a little on her seat.

“You’re lucky I was there. She almost picked out some with obnoxious patterns on it. While it would be hilarious, I knew you wouldn’t wear it unless it was a tad more plain,” Isabela said, putting her hand over Merrill’s to settle her.

Fenris folded the shirts carefully into a pile on his lap. It might not hurt to wear something that wasn’t monochrome. Besides, it was a gift and you didn’t want to insult the person, even if it was Merrill. “Thank you, Merrill. It’s a thoughtful gift.”

“I’m glad you like it!” she said.

The group cleaned up all the wrapping and settled back down into small talk. Isabela and Merrill stayed until the late evening, sticking around long enough to watch a movie with everyone. They both wished Fenris a happy birthday once again and gave him a hug before they left. This certainly hadn’t been how Fenris expected his day to go but he didn’t have any complaints. It was getting late, judging by the darkness outside, and he decided to call it a night once he’d said good night to his dad.

Hawke followed him upstairs, helping him carry his gifts up to the bedroom. “Good day?”

“Yeah,” Fenris said, kicking off his socks and sitting down on the bed.

“I’m glad,” Hawke replied, leaning over to press a kiss to Fenris’s cheek.

After what had happened that morning, Fenris didn’t see a reason they couldn’t get ready for bed in the same room this time. Hawke had already given him his approval. There was nothing to be ashamed of… right? He could feel Hawke’s gaze on him as he peeled the shirt from his body. Admiring, not judging. It fuelled him with confidence. He didn’t have to be bound by what he had been, what he used to be. And even more importantly, he had a man who loved him for what he was. Hawke took the cue to get changed too and the two of them settled into bed together.

“Goodnight Fenris,” Hawke mumbled, curling around Fenris’s back and pressing a kiss to his shoulder. Fenris reached to turn out the lamp.

“Goodnight,” he replied as everything went dark.

His eyes lingered on the massage book Isabela had bought him that rest on the nightstand table. Hawke still hadn’t said anything about it. Shouldn’t it be a step in the right direction? Maybe he’d wait a little, feel things out. It could be saved for another day.

Sleep caught up with him and he drifted off in Hawke’s arms.

 

“I had something to suggest to you,” Sebastian said as he prepared dinner a couple days later. Fenris stood beside him in the kitchen, cutting vegetables with ease. It was amazing how far he’d come with his prosthetic. They regularly sent updates back to the company they’d purchased it from, letting them know how he was getting on. He put down his knife and looked at Sebastian. “So, I was talking to some of the senior staff at the school and I thought it might be nice for you to come in with me one day this week. Maybe tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”

“Come in with you?” Fenris asked. Sebastian did fantastic work as a teacher, and he only handled the younger children. It was no wonder that he’d been the type to adopt his own.

“Yeah, like a TA. You wouldn’t have to do much, just hand out some worksheets, chat to the children a bit and make sure they’re getting on okay. I just thought… maybe you’d want some work experience. Plus, it’d get you out the house,” Sebastian continued.

Fenris hadn’t had much experience with children, not ever. However, the way Sebastian talked about it, it made it seem pretty easy. Plus, Sebastian would be there the whole time, it wasn’t like he was completely on his own. They were only young kids. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

“I… Yeah, I could… I could do that,” Fenris told him. Sebastian raised his eyebrows at him.

“That was quick, are you sure? I’m not forcing you,” he said.

Fenris laughed a little. “No, it’s for the best I agree now, before I have too much time to think about it.”

“If you say so,” Sebastian nodded and smiled, then resumed cooking.

True to his word, Fenris turned up at the school with Sebastian the very next day. Sebastian had suggested he wore a nice button-down shirt for the occasion, and he fiddled a little with the cuffs. Now he was here, his stomach was twisting in knots. It would be fine, he told himself, he would be fine.

When they walked into the classroom in the morning, Sebastian put a hand on Fenris’s shoulder and introduced him to the class as his son, and that he would be here to help out. Fenris did his best to smile and wave at the kids. They were all sat before him, little eyes twinkling and mummering amongst themselves. Of course, they would be little angels, they were Sebastian’s class after all. Even as Sebastian began his lesson, Fenris couldn’t help but notice that he was the centre of attention. Most of the children kept glancing his way, clearly brimming with curiosity.

Sebastian handed him a wad of paper, worksheets to hand out. He made his way around the class, setting them before each of the children. Once they got started, he was to assist anyone who might need it. A lot of children clamoured for his assistance, perhaps not because anything was wrong, but just interested in talking to him. Sebastian onlooked affectionately, happy to sit and mark some homework in the meantime. Fenris had this covered.

Despite being passed around from child to child, Fenris eventually found a place to sit beside a quieter boy who had been working diligently on his own, without a word to any of the other kids. He stood out to him, mostly because of the green-tinted glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose. Someone like him.

“I have a pair of those too,” Fenris said. He still hadn’t quite got the trick to talking to kids, but he seemed to be doing well so far. The boy looked up at him curiously. Fenris pulled out his own pair of glasses from his bag and slipped them on.

“Oh!” the boy said. “I’ve never…um…met someone who has the same. Yours are purple.”

Fenris smiled and nodded. “That’s right. I need them to read too.”

The boy beamed back at him, suddenly picking up in spirit. Fenris couldn’t help but wonder if he felt outcasted by the other students because of it. It was only a minor thing, but children could be so fickle. He remembered the way other students stole his glasses off him to try them on when he was growing up.

“My auntie bought me them. She says I… have to be careful ‘cause um… they cost a lot of money,” the boy said.

“Your auntie?” Fenris inquired.

“Mhmm! I live with my auntie. She’s really nice,” the boy answered, tapping his pencil on the desk.

Fenris held back the urge to ask about his parents, not wanting to pry too much. He liked this kid and didn’t want to scare him off by pushing boundaries. In a way, he reminded him a little of himself growing up. The boy’s eyes darted to his prosthetic, it always was what drew the children’s attention.

“Your arm is weird,” he said.

“It’s fake. I lost my arm, so I got a new one. I control it with my brain,” Fenris helpfully informed him, lifting his arm and showing him that he could move all of his fingers and his wrist. The boy gasped and reached out to touch it, but hesitated, looking to Fenris for approval. “You can touch it.”

The boy seemed over the moon as he reached to run his little fingers over the prosthetic, feeling all the bumps and cracks where things were connected. “That’s so cool! You’re like a… a robot man.”

Fenris laughed a little at that.

“I want to build robots when I grow up,” the boy hummed. He hesitantly let go of Fenris’s arm and put his hands back in his lap. “Maybe I could build… you another arm.”

“Well let’s hope I don’t need a second one,” Fenris joked lightly. The boy giggled hysterically. “What’s your name by the way?”

The boy’s eyes lit up. “Daniel.”

“It’s nice to meet you Daniel,” Fenris said, reaching his prosthetic hand out. Daniel only giggled more as he shook it.

For a moment, Fenris found himself thinking that maybe children weren’t as scary as he thought. He couldn’t imagine being a dad, there were far too many obstacles in the way before he could even consider the idea of raising a child. Who knew if Hawke even wanted to do that? He shook the thought away and concentrated on the matter at hand.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully. Fenris spent a lot of his time sitting up Daniel, working through problems with him and having a laugh. He still circulated the class and saw to other children, but Daniel had stood out as his favourite. Daniel had even waved bye-bye to him as he skipped out, backpack on his back, to meet his auntie who was waiting for him outside. Once all the children had cleared out, Sebastian came up by his side.

“Daniel’s taken a shine to you I see,” he said.

“He’s… a good kid,” was all Fenris could come up with. Sebastian chuckled and nodded, then gestured out the door so he could lead him to the car.

He stared out the window as they drove back to the house. So many of the children had thought his arm was pretty cool, not just Daniel. It was amazing was a boost that was to his confidence. Children didn’t think anything of it, of the way he looked. A part of him wanted to go back again, to see Daniel again.

“You can come another day if you want,” Sebastian said suddenly, as if reading his mind.

“I’d like that,” Fenris replied.

 

It became a regular occurrence. A few times a week, Fenris would go into school with Sebastian and help out around the classroom. He would chat to Daniel each day, much to his delight. When he was around these kids, all negative thoughts that usually swarmed him of being a bad person disappeared. These kids saw the best in him and his therapist thought that it was great.

The boost in confidence had him palming through the massage book Isabela had given him. He’d never even heard of most of the techniques listed in there and he wondered where Isabela had even purchased this book. The sound of the door opening made him jump, almost dropping the book in the process. When he turned, he could see Hawke stroll into the room.

“There you are,” he hummed.

“Hawke,” Fenris said. “I thought you weren’t going to be home for another few hours.”

Hawke shook his head and walked over, plonking himself down on the bed next to him. “I got off early. What are you reading—Oh the massage book.”

Fenris cleared his throat and slipped his glasses off, tucking them back into their case. They still hadn’t talked about the idea Isabela had suggested. The more he thought about it, the more the idea of Hawke putting his hands all over him covered in oil became more appealing. It would break new ground if they could go through with it.

“I risk making myself sound completely foolish, but I thought that maybe… Isabela’s idea wasn’t too bad,” he said. Hawke’s eyes bulged.

“You want me to give you a massage?” he asked.

Fenris licked his lips. “Yes.”

“I hadn’t expected you to be comfortable with something like that. Well, I guess you did let me walk in on you naked on your birthday but… are you sure? I certainly don’t have any complaints but…” Hawke was beginning to ramble and so Fenris shushed him.

“I want this,” he said, meeting his eyes. “Now.”

“Okay.”

Fenris put the massage book in Hawke’s hands so he could look through it himself. In the meantime, Fenris made short work of his clothes. His heart raced in his chest. They were really going to do this. He trusted Hawke with this, more than anyone or anything. If anyone could do this right, he could. He wasn’t sure if he should strip all the way, but he supposed he should just dive in the deep end. Now or never. He peeled his boxers off, slipping them down his hips and laying face down on the bed.

“Maker, you’re beautiful,” Hawke breathed from his side. He pushed a pillow Fenris’s way so he could rest his face against it.

Hawke took his own shirt off, abandoning it in the pile of clothes that Fenris had made. He’d picked out one of the massages from the book to try. There was no telling how good at this he would be, but it was worth a shot. Him putting his hands on Fenris was the most important part. He laid the book next to him and moved around to hover above the back of Fenris’s calves.

“Maybe you should pick a safe-word. Something you can say if you want me to stop,” Hawke suggested.

“Apples,” Fenris said after a moment of thought. That was Hawke alright, always thinking things through.

“Okay,” Hawke replied. He picked up the massage oil and untwisted the cap. The scent of citrus wafted into the room. He lathered his hands in it. “I’m going to start now.”

Fenris jolted when Hawke first pressed his hands against his shoulders. It was nowhere he hadn’t touched before, but this intimate scenario was putting him on edge. He wanted this, he really wanted this, and he made sure to practice every breathing technique he knew until his body realised there was no threat here.

The more he relaxed, the nicer the massage became. Hawke’s thumbs rubbed into all the knots in his back. His hands were so big, encompassed so much space in one go. He couldn’t help letting groans slip out from his lips, even if he trembled a little once Hawke’s hands reached his lower back. Hawke hesitated every time he shook, but Fenris didn’t utter his safe-word.

“I’m going to move to your legs now, okay?” he said.

“Okay,” Fenris mumbled.

Heat pooled in Fenris’s stomach as the oil skimmed over his ass. Hawke’s hands returned to digging in to his skin, massaging the backs of his thighs. His cheeks felt hot, like fire against the pillow. Was he aroused? Oh Maker, there was certainly something pressing against his stomach. How long had it been? He’d had doubts he’d even be able to get aroused again, but here he was, unduly sensitive under Hawke’s touch. How embarrassing. Hawke couldn’t know.

Hawke worked the backs of his legs before eventually moving back up to his shoulders. His whole back was now covered in oil. Hawke rested his hands on Fenris’s sides and leaned in to press a gentle kiss to the back of his neck. Fenris trembled, his legs feeling like jelly. Every touch was driving him crazy.

“Want me to stop?” Hawke asked, noting the shaking.

“No,” Fenris breathed, arousal heavy in his voice. If Hawke noticed, he didn’t say anything.

The heat between his legs was only getting worse as Hawke continued to work, his fingertips like ice on his burning body. All it took was another couple kisses on the back of his neck and an accidental shuffle against the covers, for him to come tumbling to an end. He muffled a short cry into the pillow, hips violently shaking.

Hawke slowly took his hands off him, clearly realising how what had happened. Fenris buried his face deeper into the pillow, tears threatening to bubble at the corners of his eyes with the shame of it all. How humiliating!

“Wow,” was all Hawke said breathily. That didn’t… sound disgusted. That sounded aroused. “That was… really hot.”

Of course, Hawke had no filter.

Fenris peeled his face away from the pillow and looked over his shoulder. Hawke’s eyes were glazed with lust, one hand trying to carefully adjust himself in his jeans. It was obvious how he felt about it all. He didn’t think it was gross? Shameful?

“Are you okay?” Hawke asked.

“I… Yes… I um… I enjoyed that,” Fenris said slowly.

“Okay… Okay good. I did too,” Hawke replied, feeling reassured. “I bet you want to shower huh? You should uh, go do that. Take as long as you want. I’ll need a minute here and then I’ll go… wash these sheets.”

Fenris nodded. It was obvious what Hawke was going to do and the thought shouldn’t have pleased him as much as it did. He pushed himself up, letting Hawke move to the side so he could stand up. There was no way he could look at the bed, look at the mess he’d made there.

He grabbed some fresh clothes and padded on into the bathroom. As he hopped in the shower, he was left to think on what had just happened. They’d really struck new ground, huh? The way Hawke had looked at him, the desire in his gaze. He wanted him. Only him. It filled him with a sense of pride. He was there now, thinking of him.

Maybe a healthy sex life wasn’t too far from his reach after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please consider heading over to my tumblr at the-tevinter-biscuit.tumblr.com and commissioning me or dropping me a ko-fi. i really need it right now! :)


	12. Sweetheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke pass the final obstacle of their relationship and see an old friend. Things come to a close as they finally settle down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its finally here!! this is the final chapter of rest easy, sweetheart. so im afraid its over now. more on that at the end of this though. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy this chapter! (also you probably noticed the rating changed. enjoy that ;p )

Fenris found himself unable to stop thinking about the massage over the next few days. Hawke would always shoot him a coy look whenever Sebastian wasn’t looking, and it lit his senses on fire. He remembered that same look from the days when they had just lost their virginity to each other as teenagers, excited and horny all mixed up in one. This newly-wed feeling wouldn’t last forever, but he would savour it for the time being. However, most of all, the experience left him desiring more.

The idea of Hawke touching him sexually was a scary one. He didn’t know if he would be able to cope with it. What if he freaked out? It could ruin everything. No, Hawke would never hold that against him. Hawke would never judge him.

Hawke. Beautifully handsome Hawke.

There he went again, the tingles of arousal fluttering between his legs. He was going to have to ask Hawke to go one step further with him because he knew Hawke would never try to push anything himself. Taking a deep breath, Fenris pushed himself out of bed. He had to get up and shower before he went downstairs. Today was another day he was spending at the school as a teaching assistant. Perhaps under the shower head, he could entertain a few more thoughts of Hawke to save any shame later.

 

“I’m going to bed,” Fenris said, meeting Hawke’s gaze. It had been a long day at the school, a few problems with misbehaviour cropping up here and there, but Fenris felt ready. He’d been thinking of this all day, thinking of Hawke and what he wanted from him. “Are you coming with me?”

Hawke pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at it, then Fenris. “It’s only 7.”

“I would… like you to come with me,” Fenris did not let up. He put his hand on Hawke’s bicep and squeezed lightly, hoping it would get his point across if the look in his eyes wasn’t doing the job. Hawke opened his mouth to reply but no words fell out. He shut it quickly, licking his lips a little and nodding meekly. Fenris’s hand slid down his arm to link their fingers together. Hawke was wrapped around his little finger and was eagerly dragged up the stairs by him and into the bedroom.

Now he was finally here, in this moment, anxiety coursed through Fenris’s veins. He straddled him on the bed, ignoring the pounding of his heart. Hawke was looking back at him, open and honest, anticipating his every move. Maybe it was best to take things easy. Fenris leaned in to kiss him, wrapping his arms around his neck and drawing him in. Hawke put his hands on Fenris’s waist and rubbed his thumbs against his sides.

“As much as I’m enjoying this,” Hawke mumbled when they pulled away. “I’d like to know what’s going on. Don’t want to get my hopes up and all that.”

He pinched Fenris’s side lightly, making Fenris exhale in a puff of laughter.

“The truth… Hawke, the truth is I have been thinking a lot about that massage you gave me. There is a part of me that rejects every desire I hold for you, tries to tell me it’s wrong and I should be ashamed of craving intimacy like that after everything that happened to me,” Fenris explained. “But I don’t want to be ashamed. I want to touch you, I want you to… touch me. You could give me something to enjoy about this, so I don’t have to be so ashamed. It’ll never be like we were, I’m not even sure whether I can… go there. But I’d like to try something at least.”

Hawke nodded along. “I understand. You remember the safe word we decided on last time? I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But if this is what you really want then I would be honoured as the luckiest man on the planet to touch you.”

Fenris smiled and nodded back. He kissed him again, to seal the deal. This was really happening. Hawke moved back on the bed, dragging Fenris with him. He pushed him back against the pillows and settled between his legs. Fenris leaned his head back, letting Hawke pepper kisses down his neck, fidgeting only slightly on the sheets. Hawke’s hands rubbed up and down on Fenris’s sides before tracing the hem of his shirt.

“May I?” Hawke asked, wrapping his fingers around the fabric. Fenris took a deep breath and nodded. Getting naked was going to be the easy part. Hawke lifted the shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. He kissed down his chest, beard tickling the skin.

As his fingers found the button to Fenris’s jeans, he looked up at Fenris questioningly.

“Before we… You first,” Fenris said. “Take everything off.”

“Yes sir,” Hawke replied, pulling his hands back and putting them to better use. He pulled his own shirt over his head and threw it alongside Fenris’s discarded one. As for the rest, it wouldn’t hurt to make a show of it. Fenris hadn’t seen him naked in a long time, but he didn’t think there was anything to be embarrassed of. He saw him naked plenty of times when they were growing up. Fenris’s eyes burned into his skin as he popped the button on his jeans and wiggled them off. He met Fenris’s gaze as he hooked his thumbs in his boxers and rolled them down his hipbones. Fenris’s gaze followed him as he slowly dragged the material down his body and off the ends of his feet. “Like what you see?”

Fenris couldn’t help licking his lips. He’d always thought Hawke was a handsome man, but seeing him like this again, especially in this context, just reignited that desire he felt. Almost all of that chubbiness he remembered had faded into muscle. Yet, he still looked soft to the touch. Hair covered his body, head to toe. He followed the path from his chest to the trail over his stomach and eventually to… Fenris swallowed roughly. His cock sat heavy between his thick thighs. He shouldn’t have been surprised to remember that Hawke was a big man, but actually seeing it again was something else entirely.

“Yes,” he finally answered Hawke’s question. He quickly drew his eyes back up to Hawke’s face, a little embarrassed to be caught staring. However, Hawke only chuckled and kissed him until their lips were sore.

“Can I undress you now?” Hawke asked, placing light kisses down Fenris’s jaw.

“Yeah,” Fenris breathed.

The playing ground was about to equal out. Hawke’s hands found his jeans again and this time, he allowed him to unzip them. He lifted his hips so Hawke could pull them off him, along with the boxer-briefs underneath. They were naked together. Fenris jolted a little when Hawke put his hand on his bare hip, breath quickening. He was… vulnerable. He was—He was—

“You okay? Do you want to stop?” Hawke said, suddenly concerned and retracting his hand as if he’d been scalded.

Fenris swallowed a deep breath and willed his body to calm down. No one was touching him now. He was fine. This was fine. Hawke. His eyes met Hawke’s concerned ones. Warm, beautiful Hawke.

“I’m okay,” he said. “Sorry I… I want to continue. Please. Can I touch you…?”

“I am at your disposal,” Hawke replied. He tucked his hands behind his back and let Fenris come towards him.

He was putting his hands on him because he wanted to. Fenris rested his palms on Hawke’s thighs, moving them up until he found the base of his cock. He wrapped his fingers around it, taking note of the way Hawke’s breath hitched when he did. Thick, heavy in his hand, pulsing. He was going to make him feel good because he wanted to.

It didn’t take long for Hawke to harden under his grasp. He wondered how long it’d been since someone else had touched him here. There was a pang of jealousy at the idea of someone other than him touching Hawke like this, even though they had been apart for 10 years. It didn’t matter, he shook the thought away. He was here now, touching him, making him groan as he moved his hand along his shaft. It was a little awkward. For as much as he had gotten used to using his right hand for things given the loss of his left, he hadn’t had much practice doing this sort of thing. Hawke wouldn’t have appreciated the cold touch of his prosthetic though, and he liked being able to feel Hawke properly in his warm hand.

“Fenris,” Hawke breathed, arousal heavy in his tone. He ground his hips upwards into his touch. “Can I… touch you as well? This’ll be… mm… over far too quickly otherwise.”

Hawke wanted to touch him. He was desirable. Fenris nodded and allowed Hawke to shift him back against the pillows.

“How about we… I’m going to try something. Say the word if you want to stop,” Hawke continued. Fenris shot him an inquisitive look but nodded again.

Now he had the go-ahead, Hawke pulled Fenris’s thighs loosely around his hips. He looked down to see that Fenris had hardened as well. Was he getting off on making him feel good? Maker, he didn’t deserve him. He could see the apprehension in his eyes at the position, but it faded away when he took hold of his cock. He could encompass him nicely in his hand. After a few steady strokes, he let go to push his own cock against his.

“Oh,” Fenris whispered.

The friction was breath-taking. Hawke wrapped his hand around both of their cocks, pushing them together as he rolled his hips. Fenris balanced himself by putting his hands on Hawke’s shoulders, whimpering and moving into the rhythm Hawke set up. The heat of Hawke’s palm only enhanced the sensation. As the two of them moaned, Fenris couldn’t be more grateful that Sebastian had a late-night sermon. He didn’t know he could feel this good again. It was driving him crazy, he whined and squeezed Hawke’s shoulders. At this rate, it wouldn’t take him long to cum.

“That’s it,” Hawke breathed, leaning down to kiss his neck. “You’re doing so good baby, you feel good.”

Fenris trembled under him, toes curling. “Fuck, Hawke.”

“Yeah,” Hawke replied, his hand pumping them faster.

Fenris came first. He cried Hawke’s name as he convulsed, spilling mostly into Hawke’s hand. It only took a few more rocks of Hawke’s hips afterwards for Hawke to cum too, making a further mess of his hand and of Fenris’s stomach. The two of them stayed still for a moment, catching their breath, before Hawke flopped onto the bed by Fenris’s side.

“You okay?” he asked, turning his head to look at Fenris.

“Better than ever,” Fenris replied.

That made Hawke smile. He would have been content if Fenris never wanted to take this step, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t thrilled to be here, even if things never went any further than this. Fenris had come so far and he was so proud. The two of them enjoyed the afterglow of their orgasm, the tingles all over their body slowly fading away as they lay together.

“I guess I should shower,” Hawke said, pushing himself up slowly. Fenris reached up and grabbed his arm.

“Let me come with you,” he said.

Before Fenris could say anything more, Hawke scooped him up in his arms and carried him to the bathroom. Getting over all the hurdles life through at them was so worth it. Their life couldn’t get more perfect now.

 

The following morning, Sebastian had been more than happy to get out of the door for work. He’d taken one look at the way Hawke and Fenris were behaving and said his goodbyes for the day. It was like he could smell the incidents of last night on them. It was embarrassing, but Fenris put those thoughts aside so he could focus on spreading butter on his toast. Hawke was watching him, his arms slung around his waist and his head on his shoulder. It would be hard to split them up now.

However, the knock on the door was an unexpected turn of events for their morning.

“I’ll get it,” Hawke said, kissing Fenris’s cheek and sauntering off into the hallway. The mail had already come, and they rarely had visitors. Who could possibly be knocking on their door? When he swung the door open, a smile grew quickly on his face.

“Hawke!” Varric’s voice was a pleasant one. Hawke quickly drew the short man into his arms for a bear hug. It had been a long time since he’d seen his friend.

“Varric! It’s so good to see you but what are you doing here?” he asked.

Varric smirked up at him. “Invite me in and we’ll chat.”

Hawke ushered Varric into the living room, grabbing him a drink from the kitchen and bringing it to him. He didn’t hesitate to notify Fenris what was going on in the process and urged him to join them. Fenris carried his breakfast in and sat down on a chair.

“Fenris,” Varric said when he saw him. “I’m glad to see you’re healthy and well. I wanted to visit earlier but you know, I’ve just been so busy with the books and everything. My manager won’t give me a break! It’s the first time I’ve been back in this country for a while.”

“Ah, yes. I think I heard about that on the TV,” Fenris said, taking a bite of his toast. It was nice to know that Varric had forgotten about him. He supposed he should’ve expected they all would have lives by now. 10 years could really change a person. Well, it was pretty much 11 now.

Varric laughed heartily. “I should hope so! Hard in Hightown has been on the Bestseller’s list for a while now. But enough about me, how are you getting on these days? You certainly look good, glowing like a pregnant woman.”

Both Hawke and Fenris’s faces faded into a light shade of pink. Could _everyone_ tell what had been going on between them? Hawke laughed nervously to cover up the embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck.

“Things are… much better than they were. I can’t say it was easy to get here but I am here and that’s what matters,” Fenris began.

They spent some time catching up. Varric had been travelling the world with his book which had been translated into over 10 different languages. Fenris knew he’d had it in him ever since they went to school together, but it was still nice to see his friend do so well. He informed Varric of the important things in his life too, his and Hawke’s relationship and his part time work as a teaching assistant included.

“So, I’m sure you’re all dying to know why I’m here. Beyond my wanting to see you both good and well of course,” Varric said. Fenris and Hawke exchanged a glance. “I have an offer to propose to you Fenris. You don’t have to tell me now. I’ll leave my contact info with you, so you can get in touch if you do come to a decision.”

“What is it?” Fenris asked cautiously.

“I’m storyteller, my books sell. I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to get your story out there. I completely understand if you don’t want to relive any of that, I’m sure you’ve had to do enough of it, but the offer is on the table. I’ll write you a biography, or we could put it in a work of fiction if you prefer. It’s really up to you,” Varric explained.

Fenris put his plate on the coffee table as he drank in this information. He buried his hands in his lap. Did he want that? Plenty of people who went through traumatic experiences went on to put out books about it. Someone was likely to write about his story one day regardless of whether he agreed to this or not. It might be better to have it in the hands of someone he trusted, like Varric. However, it would still involve going over the details of his past that haunted him.

“I’ll think about it,” Fenris said eventually. Varric beamed at him and set a card down on the coffee table, pushing it towards him.

“Great! Here’s my info. My personal number is on the back too of course, just for you. Please get in touch if you want to do this. You can also contact me for anything else you might need or want to talk about. I’m your friend,” he said.

Fenris nodded and swiped up the card in his hands, looking it over. He would have to collect his phone and put the details in. “Thank you.”

“No problem! Well, it was great seeing you both. Unfortunately, I’m a busy man, and this was a detour my manager will behead me for if she finds out. Cassandra is a cruel, cruel woman. I’ll be in touch,” Varric said.

Hawke stood up and guided him to the front door. The two of them exchanged another hug before Varric padded off towards his car. He waved as he drove off and then sighed. Once the door was shut, he re-entered the living room and found a place beside Fenris.

“Well that was unexpected,” he said. “What are you thinking?”

“It was nice to see Varric again. As for the book I… I’m not sure. Maybe it’d be a good thing but I… it’s a lot,” Fenris said, still staring down at the business card Varric had given him.

Hawke hummed pressed a kiss to the side of Fenris’s head. “You have plenty of time to think about it. I’m sure Varric won’t mind if you say no. Now come on, I want some breakfast too.”

 

“That’s the last of it.”

Sebastian admired the boxes stack up in the hallway with a melancholic fondness. He had feared the day his little boy would move out ever since the day he signed the adoption forms. Most children moved out before the age of 33 however, but he supposed it made up for the 10 years he’d had to spend without him. It had been 5 years since he’d come home, and he finally felt ready to move on. He and Hawke had a bought a place of their own. It took most of their money combined, as well as a little help from Sebastian.

The children had loved Fenris so much that he decided to take a permanent job as a teaching assistant, so not only would he see his dad every weekday, he made a decent wage too. It was always a little sad to see the children he’d spent a year with move onto the next grade, but the kids often still waved and said hello to him in the corridors. Some of those children were destined for great things, he was sure of it.

Part of the money had also come from Varric. Fenris had of course gotten a stipend of the book he published about him. A thrilling psychological horror about a young boy captured, until his eventual escape and the happy life he went on to live. Anyone who cared enough to look into it knew that it was a mostly factual account, with a few details embellished. Fenris thought it was for the best that it be this way and was glad to hear that hoards of people found his story moving.

It was a big step to move out of Sebastian’s house, but he was here now. He had a place of his own, a new life he was going to start alongside Hawke. There was not another person in the world he’d rather be with. Things had been going smoothly for them save for a few minor bumps. He smiled at the boxes in the hallway, knowing that his whole life was contained within them.

He was snapped out of his daze by a yip and the tugging of some small teeth on the leg of his jeans. Oh, and they got dog. Biscuit Jr was only a small German Shepherd pup presently, but he was bound to grow into a dog worthy of protecting their home. He had been named after Hawke’s childhood dog, as getting him was Hawke’s idea in the first place. All that dog washing in his job had ignited a desire to own a dog again, and there was no better time to do that then alongside the purchase of his brand-new house.

Fenris scooped Biscuit Jr into his arms, letting him affectionately lick his face. He turned to him, a smile still on his face. “You must be hungry. Garrett, could you get Biscuit’s things out?”

“On it,” Hawke said, grinning. He loved the way that Fenris and Biscuit Jr had bonded. There were things perhaps more important to get out of these boxes first, but Biscuit Jr came first. He pondered over the boxes, looking for the one with Biscuit’s name written on it.

“Here,” Sebastian said, nudging one of the boxes towards him. Hawke thanked him and rifled through the box to find what they needed. He set up Biscuit’s bowls in the kitchen and filled them with food and water. Fenris carried him in and set him down, letting him dig in happily to the food.

It didn’t take Sebastian long to join them in the kitchen and take a moment to enjoy the domesticity of the moment. Everything seemed to be going well for everyone. He turned to Fenris.

“I’ll stay to help you guys unpack,” he said. There was a lot of stuff in those boxes and they could probably do with an extra pair of hands. Most of it was Hawke’s, admittedly, but Fenris had his fair share of stuff too.

“Thank you,” Fenris replied.

The three of them spent the day unpacking all of their things. Luckily most of the furniture had been set up beforehand, so there was a place for them to sit and take breaks every now and again, and there would be a place for Fenris and Hawke to sleep once the day was over.

Fenris was putting things away in the bedroom when he reached in one of the boxes and felt a soft material. He pulled it out slowly, his eyes settling on the familiar sight of Penguin. The toy held some of the weight of the first Penguin and Fenris couldn’t help but smile. It was a dim reminder of his past, of how far he’d come since then. No one would truly understand what Penguin meant to him, but he was happy to give him a safe home now, a happy life. He placed Penguin on the bed, nestling him amongst the pillows.

“Hey, how are you getting on up here?” Hawke asked, from the doorway. Fenris hadn’t heard him come in, he jumped and turned around to look at him.

“Almost done,” he said, exhaling softly.

Hawke nodded. “Your dad and I have finished downstairs so we’ll be done as soon as you finish up. Your dad’s going to stay for a cup of tea before he goes back. Come down when you’re done, okay?”

“Okay.”

Fenris watched Hawke walk out the door and listened to him clamber down the stairs. He looked down at the box by his feet and set up the last few things that were buried in there. They’d gotten a lot done today, but they had worked hard. The sun was going down judging by the orange glow peeking out from behind the curtains. Fenris put away the last items and carried the empty box downstairs to put with the others.

Biscuit Jr was curled up by Hawke’s feet, taking a nap, when he entered the living room. All this moving had worn him out too, apparently. He took a seat on the sofa beside Sebastian, making small talk as he drank his tea. Eventually, it was pitch black outside and time for Sebastian to go home. They hadn’t moved far, only a few blocks away, but it was the sentiment of moving out that mattered. Sebastian hugged him and Hawke in the doorway.

“I love you boys so much. Please feel free to call if you need anything at all,” he said, rubbing their backs.

“Will do,” Hawke said.

“Love you too dad,” Fenris said.

They waved to Sebastian as he walked away, and Hawke shut the door once he was out of sight. He and Fenris decided they would call it a night now he was gone and headed to bed, taking Biscuit Jr with them. They had just gotten curled up in bed together then Hawke tilted his head to look at Fenris, then spoke.

“This is our home now huh,” he said. He rolled onto his side, wrapping an arm around Fenris’s waist.

“Yeah,” Fenris replied, leaning into the touch. He smiled when Hawke pressed a kiss on his cheek. “It’s been a long day, but we’re here.”

It was still a strange notion to take in. Fenris had moved out of the house he grew up in. He never thought it would take everything it did to get here, but all that mattered was that he _was_ here now. Happy, content, with the man he loved. He nuzzled against Hawke’s body.

Hawke smiled back at him. “We’re here. You can rest easy, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see, now i have to try and get through this without crying. thank you so much to everybody who's supported me and this series over the years, it's a huge feat for me to finish this fic (combined, its almost 100k!) 
> 
> i really hope this was a satisfying end. ive been working on this series for almost 2 years now, which is a long ass time. ive loved writing it and my life has changed so much since i started. ill admit that im slipping a bit from the DA fandom these days, but if i can keep with it then please do expect more from me in the future. it'll be a shame if i can't motivate myself to write the one AU ive always wanted to.
> 
> so once again THANK YOU. for being here with me through this venture and for reading. i hope to see you guys again on some of my other fics.
> 
> as a final note: if you never noticed, please take a look at the chapter index. theres a secret message in the chapter titles :)
> 
> thank you <3


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